Are you happy? Has anyone ever asked you this? Lately, my hubby has asked me this or said things like, 'I just want to see you happy' a few times. And, it bothers me. I think... I am so happy! Why is he asking me this? Then I start to wonder.... Maybe he's the one that's not happy. I mean how could he be? He's with me. I'm a wreck. I'm so messed up. Blah blah blah!
But, when I take a minute to really think about it, I realizes that when Ed is around... I very well do not appear happy. I am distracted by numbers. I am hungry. I am thinking about when I can eat next. I am thinking about how much I can eat. I am thinking about how I am going to get exactly what I want. I am focused on Ed and nothing else.
When Ed is around, I get defensive. I get angry at anyone who may get in the way of 'our' plan. I get cranky. I get anxious that I may not be able to listen and follow through with Ed's plan, which he at some point convinces me is my plan/desire.
When Ed is around... I love Ed more than anything and anyone else (on some level). I don't want to be intimate...I'm too busy with Ed and Ed totally makes me not be in the mood. I don't want to go out to eat and have a good time... Ed tells me what I can and can't have and often convinces me to listen to him. I want time to pass quickly so I can follow through with whatever it is that Ed's determined we should do.
No wonder my hubby asked me this. The reality is, with Ed... I do not appear happy. I appear distracted, controlled, tormented, standoffish, angry, miserable, cranky, worried, scared, ticked, etc. there have been times that I have just wanted to take a pill and feel better, but I believ (for me) the only way to feel truly happy and fulfilled is to get rid of Ed once And for all. Again, this mean living recovery...not simply thinking about it, reflecting upon it, etc. recovery = action!
As I said before, life will be full of things that make us sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc. We can't stop everything from happening, but we can stop allowing Ed to be present in our lives. We can get rid of Ed and allow more room for true living. Have you ever wondered what life would be like without Ed? I have.
I see life without Ed and I see things I've never seen before/haven't seen in my adult life (since before Ed showed up). I see...
Spontaneous dates with my husband.
An increased sex drive (sorry if this is too much information).
A sense of peace.
A closer relationship with God.
Ability to eat out... Whatever I am craving.
Ability to eat intuitively.
Ability to maintain a healthy weight (determined by God who made me... Not Ed).
Me being more confident and outgoing.
Ability to have babies.
Ability to put others before myself.
Feeling of being taken care of - not feeling like I need to be in control.
Self love and acceptance.
Ability to feel loved, rather than feeling like I'm messed up and unloveable.
There are so many other things. Now... How can we think of a life being recovered vs. life with Ed and not see that it's worth it-that we are worth it?
So, I ask you..,. Are you happy? Do you appear happy to others? What do you believe will make you happy? Do you think life will be happier if you recover? Why or why not?.