I don't know about you, but the numerous times I've decided I wanted to live a life of recovery, it was kind of easy for the first few days. It was like I was on a little recovery high. I felt good, I had more energy, I was excited about all the new possibilities recovery would bring. It was great. That happened this time too.
But, now I sit here and I feel like I am at a crossroad. Part of me wants to say screw it. This is too hard. This is too time consuming. I have less energy now than I did before. I feel bummed...I though recovery would make me feel great. I am not seeing benefits of recovery. Yadda yadda yadda!
Writing that out... Getting those thought out of my head helps. I can see that those thoughts are more than likely coming from Ed...who does not want me living in recovery at all. It is true that's how I am feeling rig now, but I know that I must persevere. I must choose to continue to live in recovery.
I went to an appointment with my dietitian yesterday. I started seeing her about 3 months ago because my hubby and I were about to start trying to concieve and I wanted to have a professionals advice (not Ed's) on what I would need to a healthy pregnancy. Well, we are still trying to concieve, but I found out from my gyno that even though I get a normal period every month, I am not ovulating. (side note.... Don't let Ed convince you that if you get a period you are at a healthy weight. Sure your bmi may be 'okay' but you still may not be at a healthy weight for ovulation to occur!) sooo.. Once I discovered this, my dietitian reccommended that I gain some more weight (despite being at a healthy bmi according to the charts).
I am going to be honest, I am scared! I like the way my body looks now and I am scared to gain the weight. At the same time, deep down, I really believe the lack of ovulation is do to maintains this weight, that is too low for me. This frustrates me because others work out way more than me, eat less than me, weigh way less than me and have lots of babies. Iso, I feel like I have a choice to make... Stay the way I am and risk fertility or change and possibly increase my fertility. Most would think this is an easy choice, but for someone with an Ed, it's a hard choice. Like I said, I like my body the way it is. I feel I've worked hard to get this body and gaining more weight, decreasing exercise even more makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.
I am so frustrated I could cry! I know it is Ed that is making me want to hang on to what I imagine to be my idealistic body and weight. He wants me to stay the way I am. He views listening to the doctors as failure Nd of course, he never thinks about future consequences. But, how am I going to feel in 10 years when I am past the point of being able to have kids (I am 32 now) and I think about how Ed could have been the one who prevented that from happening.
I just had a realization....Ed always makes me feel like I can recover later. Ed makes me believe that there will always be time later in life and that right now the only thing I need to do is listen to him and obey him. As I wrote my age, It hit me hard that I have lived obeying Ed for the past 14 years! But, it feels like I was just diagnosed with an Ed yesterday. Sure, I am a loooooooong way from where I was when I was diagnosed. I am sooooo much healthier physically and mentally. But, I am still letting Ed dictate my life. I am still letting him control my life and prevent me from being fully alive.
I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him show me all of the things he had planned for my life that I missed out on. More importantly, I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him tell me that I do not know him. When I choose to obey Ed, I am choosing the devil over Jesus. It is a great sin. I need Gods strength to overcome Ed. I know he offers it to me. I need to grab ahold of it.
Have you ought about you fertility?
Does Ed tell you that there will be time to recover later?
Have you ever felt you had to choose between being healthy and being the size/weight you felt you wanted to be?
Any advice for me or others struggling?