So yesterday I talked about defining recovery. Now I want to talk about how to live in recovery. For me, living in recovery means that I am actively living the very things I described yesterday. To do this, I must disobey Ed, who will try very diligently to get me to listen to him and obey all the crazy things he's telling me to do. This post comes at a good time for me because to be honest eds been screaming in my ear all morning. So, how am I going to live in recovery, when Ed won't leave me alone? I am going to 1. Acknowledge the crap as being Ed and 2. Use the 'magic word',- wont!
Here are some things eds been chirping in my head all last night and this morning.
Ed: You idiot! Why did you send you resignation letter? You should teach just one more year or until you finally get pregnant. You idiot!
Me: I haven't liked teaching for the past 7 years! I am going to peruse my interests now! Teaching is something I chose when I was letting you run my life, but now I am in charge and get to choose.
Ed: well you made a huge mistake. You probably would have liked it this year. Plus, you already know how to teach. If you go back to school you'll have to take out loans, you will have to work hard, and you'll make far less money as an ma! You are so dumb. Plus.....you hate change! It's uncomfortable, unpredictable, scary, and change leaves you out of control.
Me: No Ed! You are the one that hates change. You are the one who always wants me to just keep doing what I've always done. You are the one who fears change. You are the one who wants me to remain miserable just because it's comfortable. You believe staying the same keeps me in control, but it really just allows you to be in control.
Ed: Fine! Whatever! You already sent the letter despite me telling you not to, so it's over. You resigned and there is nothing we can do about that. But, now you are stressed about it. You worry you made the wrong choice. You are scared to go back to school and start over. There is just too much change going on now. You need to binge. Just count up all the calories you've eaten so far today, maybe skip lunch since no one will know, and save those calories to binge on all those foods you love and that make you feel so good. And do it again tomorrow. Heck just keep doing it. It's the only thing that makes you feel so good. You can recover when you get the rest of your life under control. Now is not the time.
Me: I know that is what you want me to do Ed. You always tell me that binging or holding on to the eating disorder, trying to be healthier, etc. will put me in control and make me feel better. While I do feel out of control and scared right now, I know you are wrong. I've put off recovery for so many years and I've let you be in control for too long and you never make me happy like you promise. So... I WON'T! I hear you but I WON'T do what you are telling me to do.
Ed: But you can! You can save calories from lunch and skimp a few on dinner and then go to the store and buy all of you favorite foods and binge and feel great. Hubby will never know that you skipped lunch. You can do it this one last time!!!!
Me: I know that I can..... But I WON'T!!!!
So, there you have it. Instead of saying I can't binge, I can't skip meals, I can't harm my body.... I say I won't. If you say I can't, Ed will keep telling you all the ways that you can. Take back your power from Ed. Sometimes, we will know that we can engage in Ed behavior, but we must make the choice that we won't. To me, that is living recovery!