Don't want to die

I don't want to sound morbid....because really I'm not. But, today I started thinking... What of you found out you were dying? How would you feel? I started thinking about how I would feel.

I would feel like I didn't have enough time with loved ones.
I would feel sad because I wasted so many years living an eating disordered life.
I would feel mad at myself for not fully living when I had the chance to do so.
I would feel like I missed out on so much.
I would want more time to fully live life.

Here is the reality.... From the moment we are born, we are dying. We don't know how much time we will have here on earth before God calls us home. I don't want to feel, like I have described above, when God does call me home.

How many times have I missed out on spending time with loved ones because Ed convinced me it was best for me? Way too many!
How many years have I wasted living with Ed? Too many!

Recovery means giving up the comfort of Ed, but it means truly living the life we have all been given.

Sometimes we may feel that we don't want to live, but I challenge you to really think about when you have those feelings. I have had feelings that the world would be better without me. I have felt like life is just too hard for me to go on. I have felt depressed, anxious, terrified...but life is worth living. We are loved, we can handle life, we can overcome depression and find joy. god promises us that. It is time to claim that promise and live life fully.

Now is where I'm going to share some heavy things. Feel free to stop reading. This is simply something I've got to get out.

As I sit here, alone on our deck, trying to think of what to write, I can hardly see the keys to type. My eyes are full of tears. I know this is going to be jumbled, but that's okay as long as I get it out.

If you ask me what the worst day of my life was, you may expect me to say something related to Ed. True that everyday with Ed has been hell. But, the worst day of my life was September 25, 2009. That is the day I lost my brother. Nearly 3 years later, it feels like that day never happened, but at the same time, the memories...all the horrific memeries of that day came flashing back and they are so vivid that it feels like its happening all over again.

On September 25, 2009, my brother at the age of 24 decided to believe the lies of Satan. He believed Satan over God. He believed that life wasn't worth living. He believed life would never get any better. He believed he would never be happy again. He believed he was unlovable. He believed life was too much for him to handle. So, he made the choice to end his own life. On September 25, 2009, my brother took his own life.  And, despite my very best efforts, there was nothing I could do to stop him. I tried so hard. I knew the truth. I knew what an amazing man he was. I knew that his life could get better. I knew he would find love again. I knew he would meet someone who deserved to be with someone so loving, so hard working, so fun, so good with kids, so always willing to put everyone ahead of himself, so full of love. I knew Godloved my brother and wanted him to turn away from Satans lies that were tormenting him and turn to God. But, he didn't. He believed Satan and the devil killed him. Despite whatever others may believe, I believe that God knew my brothers heart. My brother was not a follower of God, but I believe he wanted to be. He knew who God was and believed in God, but he didn't know God as his ever-present friend. I believe that today, my brother is in God's presence. I believe that he's happier than he has ever been, but I also believe it was not Gods will for my brother to die that morning. I believe God wanted him here. I believe God wanted him to get to know him here, while enjoying a full life with loved ones. I believe he wanted him to be here the day I got engaged. I believe god wanted him standing on the alter with my hubby and I the day we got married. I believe God wanted him here for my dad, my other brother, my mom, my sister, and I. I believe God wanted him here to enjoy life with his adorable niece and nephew. I believe God had so many wonderful plans for my brother.

As I write this, I can't help but see the parallel between committing suicide and living with an eating disorder. They both kill you. Even living in half recovery and half Ed is still killing you, because you arent really living life fully. Just like God had more planned for my brothers life, he has more planned for mine. he has so much more than Ed behaviors and feelings of depression. He offers so much. It's time to do what I wish my brother would have done. It's time to turn from Ed, Satan, and turn to God!