Monday, November 19, 2012

Rewire my brain

The brain is so complex. I was just thinking today.... Does anyone else find it interesting that people with disordered eating tend to think the same thought? Talk to anyone with disordered eating and you will find that they easily connect with others with disordered eating and often comment on having the 'same brain'. I am no scientist, but I wonder if the reason disordered eaters have the same thoughts is because they have established many of the same behaviors. Now, I do believe that thoughts cause us to act, but I also believe that our actions also bring about out oughts. So, for me, when I repeat the same actions...I have the same the same thoughts trigger more of the same actions. Example....I binge eat, while I am bingeing I think, 'oh this is soooo good! Bingeing makes me feel so good.' now, the next time I want to feel good, and who doesn't want to feel good every day? What am I going to remember? Oh yes... My thought... Bingeing feels so good. Same goes with restricting. Example.... I restricted food intake...thought... 'I am in control. I am strong, I am unique.' Now, who doesn't want to feel these things everyday? I know I do! So, the next time I ant to feel these this... Guess what..there's that behavior again....and the ought will follow. It's a vicious cycle.

So, how can we stop this cycle? I believe that we need to rewire our brains. Our brains are made of millions (totally guessing on the number...but it's a lot) of neuro pathways. Neuro pathways are made stronger ach time a thought or behavior is repeated and soon it becomes automatic. Yep...that's how we can find ourselves bingeing with one little thought. And, that's how we can find ourselves restricting or over exercising without even thinking about it. For me, disordered eating has been happening for years, so imagine how strong those neuro pathways are! Yikes! But, they can be rewired! How? By creating new thought and new behaviors. Again, these will take time to develop and the only way to develop them is through repetition of thoughts and behaviors. So, every day I must make the choices to form those new pathways. Here's how I am going to do it today...

New thoughts:
* food is nourishing for my body. It gives me energy and regenerates healthy cells throughout each day. Food makes my body function the way God designed it to function.

* spending time with family and friends nourishes my soul. It makes me feel connected and loved.

*  being healthy, not a certain weight or size, is what is beautiful. When I am healthy I look and feel my best. My skin glows, my hair shines, and I feel alive.

* bingeing, restricting, and over exercising are destructive habits that kill body, mind and spirit.

New actions:
* when I feel the urge to binge, I will read Gods word because it nourishes my soul.
* when I feel the urge to hoard calories, I will follow the advice of my dietitian because food nourishes my body and I need it consistently throuout the day.

* when I feel stressed, I will meditate (free on iTunes!) because it brings me to the present and helps me relax.

* when I feel scared, I will pray for God is the one who is in control of everything and He loves me and will take care of me and protect me.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Purging thoughts

This is going to be so random, but it's something I feel I need right now. So, here it is...a purging of thoughts.

I am scared to stop all Ed behaviors, yet I want recovery and a full life more than anything.
Gaining weight is scary for me. I feel like I am doing something very wrong. The whole world seems to value emaciated looks, but do people realize how unhealthy eds are???

I hate being scared and sad. I want to live a life of courage, hope, and authenticity.

I miss my brother. I hate thinking about the fact that he his choice. I hate that there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I often try to avoid thinking about it because there's not a damn thing I can do about it. And that kills me.

I hate that my body is still not ovulating, despite eating tons and not working out at all. Is this all for nothing?

I hate that I am still hungry eating over 2000 calories a day. Again, I feel like my body is messed up. I know a lot of women eat way more and can skip meals and say they are never hungry. I hate that my stomach is growling and I am still so hungry eating all of this.

I hate feeling like I am not really myself. I see myself, who I want to be....happy, in lov, a mom who is in love with life and her kids, a woman who is beautiful and full of energy...and I feel like I am walking around dead.

I binged on Monday night. I ate a whole 1/2 gallon of ice cream. After it, I never wanted to binge again. Yesterday, I ate well, but I wanted so badly to binge. For me, I always want to do it one more time. But, there never seems to be a last time. I always want to do it again. Why? Bingeing makes me feel in control and happy. It gives me intense pleasure and excitement. I love the sugar rush...but it doesn't solve my problems and it doesn't get me where I want to be in life. So... Maybe I need to start doing things that give me pleasure and excitement and are aligned with my goals... But what? I hate to admit this, but to me nothing feels as good as bingeing.

I feel guilty for not working out, but at the same time I love it. I have never loved this break is actually what I want and enjoy, but I feel guilty because in my mind I am a fat, lazy, slob for not working out.

I wish I knew how to fully recover. Part of me just wants to go way to inpatient treatment. I've been through programs before. I guess I want to go away because it's my escape from life. In treatment, recovery is happening. I am well taken care of. People coddle me and help me. In treatment, I am safe and I am forced to take care of myself. I have to follow a healthy meal plan. I am not allowed to workout. I have to gain to a healthier bmi (even though mines not really low now). I get therapy and support 24-7. I am surrounds by inspiring women who become true friends and who are genuine. In treatment, I feel like I am becoming the woman I want to be. Basically, in treatment I feel forced to do recovery...which is really what I want, and I don't have to own it...they make me do it. So, I don't have the guilt of choosing recovery. I don't have the guilt of eating, not exercising, gaining to a weight bigger than society thinks women should be. I am able to live the life I want without guilt when I am inpatient. The reality is, I go to therapy now. I go to a dietitian and have a meal plan...but I feel guilt for living recovery. Plus, there's no bubble of support and protection like inpatient.

God, I need you! I need you to change my heart. God, I need you to be my support and protection. God, I want to live a life that is fearless. I want to live a healthy happy life and stop living this life of half assed recovery. God, I want to feel alive and stop trying to life how the work tells me I should live. God, I beg you to help me!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Don't take our eyes off God

This is the message I received last nigh... Don take your eyes off God. To be honest, I've hear that a time or two before, but last night, I got it. I cannot take my eyes off of God. For when I do, I feel scared, tempted, depressed, and hopeless.

This week, my husband is away at hunting camp with his dad. I knew this was coming because it's a yearly occurrence. Well, last week, I had the thought, 'I can binge all week while hubby is say!' I got excitebegan immediately began planning my binges. Last night, when I was going to bed, I realized what I was doing. I was falling into disordered eating again. I was giving myself permission to sin. I was telling myself it was okay to sin, 'one more time.' but... It's not okay. Sin is sin. There is no difference, in Gods eyes whether we engage in disordered eating (make food/ exercise our idol) or murder someone. Would we ever say, 'it's okay that he/she murdered someone...they just had to do it one last time and now they stopped? Of course not! Well, my planning to binge was no different.

I spent ime reading the bible last night and found this...
'BLESSED is ANYONE who ENDURES temptation.' James1:12
     Who doesn't want to be blessed? What blessings have you been asking for? When I read this, I thought, 'I want to be blessed!' God is the ultimate truth... His word is His promise to us. If I endure temptation, I will be blessed!

I continued to read James 1:13-16...
'no one when tempted should say I am being tempted by God: for God cannot be tempted by evil and He himself tempts no one. But, ONE is TEMPTED BY ONES OWN DESIRE, BEING LURED AND ENTICED BY IT; THEN, WHEN THAT DESIRE HAD CONCEIVED IT GIVES BIRTH TO SIN, AND THAT SIN, WHEN IT IS FULLY GOWN, GIVES BIRTH TO DEATH. DO NOT BE DECEIVED MY BELOVED.'
     What was causing my desire to binge? My own desires. I wanted to feel full. I wanted to give myself a lot of pleasurable food. My desires for fulfillment and pleasure are not sinful.... They are from God. But, when I take my eyes off of God, when I turn to my own desires alone, they breed sin.

James 1:21
'Therefore, rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls. But, be doers of the word and not merely hearers who deceive themselves.'
     We must rid ourslves of our sins and welcome God's word into our lives. We must live his word and not just listen to it and read it. I have listened for years without action and yes, it makes you feel good, but it doesn't change your life. Change takes action!

I must keep my eyes on God. So, I made a plan for the week. I made a plan for what I need to get at the grocery store. I made a plan to give myself pleasure in Godly ways (listening to music, pinterest projects!, going to the bookstore, yoga, hot tub, time with friends, prayer).

Our desires are not evil, but if we focus only on them, the devil has a way of running wild with them and causing us to sin. But, when we keep our eyes on God, we can see those desires more clearly, we can appreciate them and meet them in Godly ways. And, when we do this inspire of temptation to sin, we will be blessed! God promises us that we will be blessed!