Pictures don't tell the whole story

I just deleted a lot of pictures off of my phone. Over the past few days, I have noticed that when I would see some of the pictures, I would feel terrible that I was no longer as skinny as I was. I found myself beating myself up for gaining some weight and I realized that the pictures had to go. Why? Because those pictures don't tell the whole story. Those pictures show what my body looked like, but they do not show what my mind and heart were like. Those pictures don't display the turmoil I was in. They don't show how dizzy and lightheaded I was. They don't show how irritable I was with my husband. They don't show that behind those shallow eyes, all there was is a love of food and nothing else.

This is something that we all need to remember when we find ourselves looking at photos in magazines, on other people's blogs, or in the media. Those photos will never be able to tell you the whole story. So, rather than looking at those photos/images and perhaps longing to be like them/the old you, focus on what you want in life and live it.

Those pictures are now deleted and I feel a sense of relief. I no longer have those images taunting me to return to the life of deprivation. I am free to focus on the life that I want to live and that is a life that is full....not of food, working out, striving for a certain body type, or even a baby. Rather, it is a life that is full of love, freedom, joy, peace and above all God.

Always looking for the next binge

Okay so, here we go....

I am always looking for the next binge. It's true. During one binge and until I can binge again, I continuously think about binge eating over and over again. Ice cream, candy bars, muffins... I become obsessed with thoughts of all of the food I want to eat. That's the other thing to note. I don't just want a dish of ice cream, a regular size candy bar or a muffin. I want pints of ice cream with multiple king sized candy bats. I want packages of muffins with multiple candy bars. I understand that for people without eating disorders, the thought of this would make them sick. But, it excites me. Why? Why do I long for huge quantities of binge foods? What am I really longing for. Some tell me it's becaus ei may be hungry... That's not true because I wouldn't need such huge volumes to be satisfied if it were just that I was physically hungry. Like I said in a different post, I look forward to each binge. It brings me joy and excitement. Is that what I am looking for? If that's the case, the tri is, food- no matter how much I eat and eat and eat, will never bring me the joy and excitement that I long for. Sure, it will bring it to me for the few brief moments I am bingeing, but, when it's over, it's over. Perhaps that's why I am already looking for the next binge.

God's word tells me that He is the only thing that will fill my heart. I have never known this kind of love and fulfillment. I have seen people who love God and profess feeling completely fulfilled by God. To be honest, I long for it, but I have never experienced it. I want to. I wonder of I don't feel it because I am constantly putting food in the place where God wants to be. I really wish God would just email me or call me and let me know exactly what I need to do to be able to fall in love with Him and never again want to use food to get all of the things my heart longs for.

God, where are you? Please help me!

Let's ramble

I really don't know what I am going to write about, so I figure I will just ramble :)

Has anyone else spent an immense amount of time searching for answers to the question, 'how do I overcome disordered eating?' I seriously have searched high and low for the answer for years. You can find a lot of information, but here's the kicker.... Are you ready? You will never overcome disordered eating by answering that question. What?!?!? It's true! The only way we will ever be able to overcome disordered eating is by.... Kicking disordered eating out of our lives...once and for all!

You can read about how personality and past events lead to disordered eating, but unless you change negative thoughts, use your amazing personality traits for good and not evil, and accept the reality that you can't control what has happened to you, but you can control how you live your life now, you will never overcome the disorder.

You need ACTION! It's not enough to read about and think about all that you need to do. You need to DO it! I absolutely hate that so many people lead others to believe that if you just learn about why you do it, the urges will go away. If that were the case, I would have been free looooong ago. The truth is, we need to walk in the freedom that God has already died for is to have. We don't need to wait until we understand why we do it. We don't need to wait until we no longer have urges to act on urges. We need to walk by faith...believing what God has told us. Our old (disordered) selves have died with Christ and now we are a new (no disordered) creation! Did you hear that? We are free! Let's live it!

Why do you binge?

I have read so many reasons for why people binge.
People binge because...
They are trying to stuff down emotions.
They don't eat enough during the day.
They don't drink enough water during the day.
They are trying to be overweight so that they won't receive sexual attention.
they numb their feelings.

Why do I binge? I feel like I don't truly know the answer to this. I do know that no matter how much I eat during the day, I always want to binge. In fact, i am usually planning the next binge right after I finish bingeing (and am stuffed). I wake up thinking about how I am going to get the food and literally waiting all day untl it is time to binge. I anticipate it. I love it. I always hear people say they hate it, but I don't. I really love it. So, I guess the reason I binge is because it brings me an emmense amount of pleasure. It makes me feel incredible and gives me something that I love to look forward to everyday. why do you binge?

Same mountain

How many times will we circle the same mountain? It has been years, and while I have seen various sides of the mountain, I am still circling the same one. I spend countless hours, every day, seeking answers. I ask google how to find freedom from disordered eating. I read blog after blog, studying the blogger's lives, trying to figure out how to be free once and for all. But, here I am still wondering how to be free.

The reality is, God has already set me free. That is what the bible says, therefore it is the truth. This is the truth that I need to remind myself of daily. God bought my freedom when He died on the cross for me (and you). He offers us that freedom. It is our choice whether we live in it or not. I have not been living in Christ's freedom. I have continued to live in bondage and the truth is, I will never be free and healed if I don't make the choice to walk in God's freedom.

How can I do this? I need to renew my mind. Keep God first in my life. Study the word of God and meditate on it day and night. I need to live God's truth and reject the devil. I will be writing a lot and most of it won't make sense, but my hope is that by getting everything out, I will find healing and restoration and walk fully in God's freedom- the freedom my heart longs for.

Infertility

I remember being a teenager and believing that the very first time I had sex, I would get pregnant. I'm sure my parents are very greatful that I innocently believed this and didn't make them grandparents while I was in high school.

I remember getting engaged and thinking about having babies with my amazing husband. At this time, I still believed that getting pregnant would be easy.

Now, after a year of trying, I am feeling hopeless. I also find myself wondering if I even want to have children. I mean, I have been reading many blogs written by women who have just had babies and some of it is down right depressing. Am I strong enough to handle the difficulties of motherhood! Perhaps I am looking at all of the negatives because I am scared. I am scared that my body is not capable of ovulating, conceiving and birthing a healthy baby. I see woman all around me, who It is so easy for and it hurts.

Infertility hurts.
I feel angry.
I feel sad.
I feel completely ineffective and broken.
I feel out of control.
 I feel defeated.
I feel old.
I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I feel hopeless.
I feel tired.
I feel depressed.

Now, this is how I want to feel....
I want to feel free.
I want to feel joy.
I want to feel excited about life.
I want to be happy.
I want to have energy again.
I want to feel whole and complete.
I want to feel content.
I want to feel alive.

So, I am going to focus on those things. I am going to focus on living this life. I am going to get excited about my upcoming vacation with my husband! I am going to reach out and try to make friend... I seriously have none! Of course I am going to continue ttc, but I don't want it to consume me any longer. So, today I am going to do the following things for me...
I am going to get in a workout.
I am going to take a long, hot shower.
I am going to do m hair and makeup.
I am going to book reservations for dinners out for our vacation.
I am going to read a magazine.
I am going to pray and read the bible.
I am going to bake.
I am going to curl up with my husband when he gets home and just enjoy him and our love!

I just want to be healthy

I couldn't even begin to count how many time I said, 'I just want to be healthy.' I said it when I first started engaging in eating disorder (Ed) behaviors. I said it to doctors in treatment centers. I said it to my parents, boyfriends, therapists, friends, myself... everyone. I was thinking about this today. So many people with eating disorders make that statement, 'I just want to be healthy.'

But, let's be honest here....if that's what people with eating disorders truly want, then why are they restricting, binging, over exercising, purging, trying to maintain a too low body weight, etc.? I can't speak for anyone but myself. So, I will tell you why I did it. I engaged in these unhealthy and destructive behaviors, while professing that I just wanted to be healthy, because I, Karla, really did want to be healthy. I wanted to eat in moderating, enjoy all types of foods (including high fat and calorie foods), move my body, have energy, enjoy relationships, eat with others, have no fear of food, maintain a healthy weight, like and appreciate my body, ect. But......Ed was in charge and it would not allow those things to happen. Ed had convinced me that I needed to engage in unhealthy eating disorder behaviors in order to feel safe, secure, satisfied, fulfilled, in control, etc. 

Eating disorders are faithful in that when all else in the world seems to be scary and out of control, they are right there...the familiar behaviors that bring a sense of calm and order. But, the truth is, eating disorders are strongholds. They entrap their hosts with their lies and deceit. They get the person to believe that they need the eating dosorder in order to feel safe, secure, satisfied, fulfilled, and in control. These are all LIES! We do not need to have an eating disorder to be in control, safe, secure, fulfilled, or amusing else. In fact, the eating disorder will actually ensure that you don't have any of those things.

If you truly want to be healthy here is the first step.... Commit to recovery and start getting Ed out of your life! 

The only thing that will work to stop binging

It saddens me to think about how many people are suffering from addictions, disease, depression, eating disorders, loneliness, hopelessness, ect.

Today, I want to share what's been on my mind lately. This is in response to a Reader who commented on one of my posts, I can tell from her comment that she has a beautiful spirit and in writing to her, I found myself realizing what is working to help me overcome the eating disorder that I've battled for years.

It truly amazes me how strong and often the desire to binge arises. It's scary how it can control life. I tried for years to maintain a weight that was too low for me. Those stupid bmi charts try to fit everyone in to a mold that some bodies just don't function well at. And don't even get me started on how low many of those stupid calorie recommendations are! I have been working with a dietitian for a couple of months now and I'll be honest...it didn't take away the urges to binge. I have found for me that no diet plan will take away those urges. For me...i seek food for emotional reasons...not purely physical...(but note that urges to binge also do arise if I eat too little during the day!) 

Lately, I have discovered that I binge because I was still obsessed with trying to control my body and my food intake. While I wasn't restricting my intake at all, I was still obsessed with counting calories and obsessed about the most enjoyable ways to get them in. I feared missing out. I tried to control my intake and body because I feared losing control. I would get nervous, anxious, irritable and depressed if I couldn't binge. I chose binging over everything. I was seeking pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment from binging. I realized that I felt in love with and addicted to food. I thought about food all day, everyday. I was looking forward to every opportunity to eat more than anything else. For me, food had become my idol. I worshipped it. 

It was important of me to really think about why I loved to binge so much. Like I said, I wanted pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment. It was also important to recognize that I was still obsessed with trying to control my body by micromanaging my food intake and still trying to maintain a too low weight for my body to function (as evidenced by my anovulatory cycles...even though I was menstrating!) I had to recognize that I did this because I wanted to feel secure, loved, accepted, special, and in control. 

Now, it is not bad at all to desire these things....pleasure, satisfaction, fulfillment, security, love, acceptance, control.... But, I was seeking them in ways that were harming me. And, since diets and binging/reactive eating patterns only give me these things temporarily...I was constantly longing and needing to do them more intensely and more often. I had to recognize that dieting and binging/reactive eating will never give me the things I long for...at least not permanently. I think that's why before, during, or right after a binge we can declare that it was our last binge...because we believe that this will be it..l we will finally feel totally satisfied and content. 

So, where does this leave me??? It certainly does not leave me seeking yet another diet plan to try...been there...done that...doesn't work for me. For me, the answer is filling those desires that I have longed to have filled for years! I have tried before... Relax, take bubble baths, call a friend, etc. and I'm going to be honest...after I did those things... I still wanted to binge. I remember telling therapists many times that I tried all those 'tricks', but for me nothing felt as good as binging. But, I now realize that for me...there is only one that can fill those desires...and it is God. Like I said, I feel like I have tried everything and at some points I thought I even tried Turing to God..and I guess I did on some level. But, at the same time, I still wanted to do things my way. I wanted God to take away my desires to binge, but I still wanted to control all my intake and my body and if the desire to binge arose, I wanted to do it one more time. I am now seeing that the only way I am ever going to get the desires of my heart is by turning to God and believing sniped trusting that He is going to bless me far beyond those desires. The truth is, (God) created my inmost being, (he) knit me together in my mother's womb. (So), I will praise (Him) because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.' I am choosing to no longer listen to what society tells me I should be or look like. I am solely relying on God for that now. I listened to society and 'unhealthy' living blogs for years and where did that get me? It helped the devil accomplish his mission. It kept me stuck in self distraction. I was made for so much more. Now, I am relying on God to lead me where I am destined to go. I know God has big plans for me and all I have to do is stop following the world and turn to Him. 

I still get desires to count calories, obsess about by body, binge...but rather than listen to and give in to those desires I run to God. I focus on truth. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made...and I make the choice to follow God. 

I share this because it is working for me and I truly believe it is the only thing that can work to overcome this horrible stronghold. 

How the eating disorder messed with my fertility

I remember when I was in and out of treatment centers, one thing doctors and my parents warned me about was that eating disorders can decrease your chances of having children.

I am going to be completely honest, at that time, I had no interest in having children. Heck... I hadn't had a boyfriend in years and questioned if I would ever get married. Plus, I was very sick(mentally and physically), and I cared much more about staying thin. Just writing that truth makes me sad for the woman I use to be.

Fast forward to July 9, 2011. I married the most incredible man in the world and from that day started dreaming of having babies. I had to have laparoscopic surgery  2 weeks before the wedding to clean up some adhesions from endometriosis, but my gyn was hopeful that we would have no problem conceiving because the endo was not on my ovaries or tubes. Just a few months after being married, my gyn put me into chemically endured menopause to stop the endo from growing for 6 month as she felt right after would be a great time for us to conceive...and 6 month into marriage sounded great to us too! I will say that I pray to God chemically endured menopause is worse Han real menopause, because I was a disaster. My husband was a saint and loved me and held me and took care of me when my hormones raged and I became seriously depressed and even suicidal.

After the 6 months, hubby and I were really excited about the prospect of getting pregnant. We knew it may take awhile, but we were very optimistic. It has now been almost a year since we started trying and nothing! I have worked with my gyn. She's determined that I have plenty of eggs, but I am just not ovulating. Even with clomid, a fertlity medication, my body is not ovulating.

A few weeks ago, I faced the fact that the reason I am not ovulating is more than likely due to residual Ed behaviors. At the time, I was still trying to maintain a weight that may be too low for my body (even though it's in the 'normal' bmi range. I faced the fact that my body may need more weight and more energy (ie. calories) to function properly- ovulate! So.... I increased my energy intake. I have been eating at least 2500 calories daily, because based on research, that's what bodies need to repair damage after periods of restriction...even though I wasn't starving myself... I was still eating less than my body needed, as evidenced by it shutting down ovulation. I have gained 10 pounds so far and the funny thing is, I feared it for years, but now I am embracing it!

I would like to note that I never stopped menstrating. It is a myth that as long as you keep getting your period you are at a healthy weight for your body. Sometimes woman bleed without ovulating....this is a sign that your body is not functioning at its optimal level. Your body has shut down part of its functioning and the only way to get it working again is to get it back to homeostasis.

Well, I've been doing great for about a month and while I still did not ovulate... I believe my body is healing and I pray that soon it will be fully functioning again and God will bless us with a baby. Last month my progesterone on day 21 was 0.3. This month it was 8.0.... And the gyn said +10 indicates ovulation occurred.

I have been disappointed for so many months. I have cried many tears and found myself jealous of women who can get pregnant easily. Sometimes I fear it will never happen for us. Years ago I wanted nothing more than to stay thin. And, in pursuit of that I forced my body to maintain a 'too low for me' weight. In response, my body stopped functioning the way God designed it to function.

Today, I than God for revealing His truth to me. I believe that God designed my body to bring life into this world. I believe God will bless us with a baby, but I know that I need to continue to do my part. Not just today, not just until I get pregnant or have babies, but for the rest of my life. I want to take care of the body God has given to me. So, for anyone out there struggling with infertility that may be caused by an eating disorder. I do believe Fod will restore your body to health and functioning. But, we must stop abusing our bodies.

Here's to hoping that one day soon I will be here writing that my body is restored and I am ovulating...and I pray one day I get to give birth to a beautiful, healthy creation of love!

Do what scares you..it will free you!

Freedom....it's a word that I longed to become a reality in my life. I wanted freedom from perfectionism, freedom from anorexia, freedom from binging, freedom from negative thoughts, freedom from judgement, freedom from all the heavy chains that weighed me down for years. And you know what.... Today, more than ever I am experiencing that freedom!

For years, literally, I sought the advice of others suffering from eating disorders, therapists, dietitians, friends, family members, pastors, bloggers and of course good ol google. I wanted desperately to know how to find the freedom I longed for. Today, I realize that each and every person was telling me what I needed to do...and they were right...but I was too scared to do any of the things they suggested. Sure, sometimes I would implement a thing or two, but I never fully commit and I usually tweaked their advice.

Recently, I committed to following the advice I've been collecting for years...inspire of fear and this is what is leading me to true freedom. I have been following my dietitians advice. I've been getting rid of 'stinking thinking', I've been praying and reading the bible, I've been working out in moderation- approved by my dietitian, I've been being my own best friend. I am no longer a perfectionist...because no one is...even those who strive to be. Perfection is an endless goal that no one will ever be capable of achieving. Sure, I can be super thin, but I won't be healthy...that's not perfection. I can be really good at math, but I may suck at writing...that's not perfection and that's okay!

So, for anyone out ere that may be speaking answers to how to finally have freedom, here it is... Start following the advice and inner wisdom you already have! That will lead you to true freedom and it's the most beautiful thing you will ever experience!

God bless your,
Karla

God can take away ANY and EVERY pain you feel.

I read this quote today in Beth Moore's, 'Scripture and quotations from Breaking Free'. It said, 'Only God can put the pieces of our heart back together again, close up all the wounds, and bind them with a porpous bandage that protects from infection, yet keeps the heart free to inhale and exhale love.' 

I remember the day my brother, Eric, died so vividly. In fact, sometimes the whole day plays in my mind in 30 seconds and while it's been almost 2 and 1/2 years, in those moments it feels like I am living it all over again.

I remember crying for days...and feeling like my heart had been ripped apart. I remember asking God why he didn't save Eric. I knew that God could have and I asked Him why He didn't. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to go a single day without feeling the pain that pierced my heart deeper than anything ever had before.

As I said, there are days where I relive that pain and in fact, they still come fairly regularly. To be honest, they came while I was writing this and in an instant I was sobbing and my heart ached. But, as Beth Moore said, God can put the pieces of our hearts together again. While I miss Eric and my heart breaks over losing him, God has comforted me and brought me peace. He has healed my shattered heart and brings joyful memories of Eric to my mind regularly. 

No matter what you are going through or have been through, no matter how shattered your heart is, God can put your shattered heart back together. He desperately wants to do that for you. He wantes to bless you and protect you. All you have to do is allow Him to.

There is another way....

Last time I wrote, I had fallen back under the attack of negative thoughts and feelings. Since then, I have come back to the place of recovery. Over the past few weeks, I have truly been living life differently. I have been allowing myself to stretch beyond the limitations I placed in my life years ago. And you know what? I am happier! I am more at peace...even with my body. For years I struggled with overcoming eating disorder behaviors and that struggle was built upon fear. I feared letting go of the false security the eating disorder gave me. I feared letting go of the control I had over my body. I feared that I would be miserable if I gained weight, let go of dietary restrictions. I don't know about anyone else, but when I experience fear I usually run back to comforting things...rather than face it. But... I have been facing it. I have been doing what works...I have been living life differently and I have learned that it truly is possible to live without eating disorder behaviors and be happy... truly happy! Now, I want to make it a priority to share what I have learned with everyone I can. I remember for years I wanted to meet someone that was truly recovered... Not just said they were recovered, but lived a life of excessive exercise or restriction still. So, I will be here sharing my journey of true recovery. If you every have any questions or want to talk, please contact me! God bless you, Karla

Is there an end? All I want to do is binge!

Sunday was a really bad day. I literally wanted to end my life. I sobbed for hours uncontrollably. I talked to my hubby for hours and finally I felt better. Monday,I had new resolve. I again wanted to stop eating in disordered ways. But, Today, I was back to saving calories so that I could eat all the junk food I wanted. So, for breakfast I had a bagel, cream cheese, cottage cheese and a banana. Then, at noon I had a wherthers (saving calories). Then, at 6pm... I was able to binge. I ate 1/2 gallon of ice cream, 4 cookies and 2 Reese's trees. And you know what, the whole time I was trying to figure out how I could do it again tomorrow...and how the next day I could save to eat a whole bag of m&ms. So, my question is, does this ever end??? People say that the desire to binge comes from restricting. But, I do get enough calories at night. And, if I spread them out, i feel like I'm missing out. I just don't know what to do. Do I just need to accept that I Willa,ways be like this?