Well. After the binge, I didn't feel the way I use to. I didn't feel happy and content. I didn't feel on a high. In fact, I felt pretty 'normal'. It's hard to describe. Of course, soon after Ed was already chirping in my ear to plan another binge. He was saying....
Ed: hmmm... You didn't take enough time to really enjoy that binge. Plan just one more so you can REALLY enjoy it this time.
Me: Ed, you do this every time. You try to convince me that I need to binge one more time. It has never been, nor will it ever be enough for you.
Ed: well, you are the one who was too busy watching tv and thinking to enjoy all that amazing food. Just really take time to focus on the amazingness of the food this time and then you won't want to do it again. You just need one finally, really good hooray!
Me: Ed, you will always find a reason for me to binge. You are the one who likes to binge. You like it because it keeps you in charge of my life. I won't binge!
Ed: but hubby is working this Saturday, so it's the perfect time to do it again. In fact, you can do it many times this week and then you can go back to this recovery thing after. You'll crave recovery after you devote a week or so to all your past favorite binges.
Me: Ed, i know that in the past you've convinced me to seek opportunities to binge. I know I can binge a lot this week, but I won't! I am in recovery. I won't listen to you this time. I will make plans when hubby is working. I will make plans to take care of myself. You try to destroy me and I am finished listening to you.
While it sometimes feels weird to write it out, it helps to distinguish Ed from myself through dialogue. We must remember that Ed is not us. Ed is not our friend. In fact, ed is our greatest enemy. I truly believe Ed is Satan, working to keep us in the hell of disordered eating. I once heard a sermon in which he'll was defined and the definition was being completely alone. I don't know about you, but when I engage in Ed behaviors, I am completely alone... It's just me and Ed (Satan). Not because family, friends, my hubby, and of course God aren't there for me, but rather because when I engage in Ed behaviors, I shut them out. I focus only on myself and Ed. I am done living in hell. I recognize that I fell back into Ed's lies yesterday. I believed that liar. But, I was immediately able to recognize what happened and I am even more committed to recovery. I refuse to live a life in hell any longer. Today, right now, I am committing to living in recovery each day.I know a lot of people believe that recovery is full of slips and relapses, but to be honest, I believe that is yet another one of Ed's clever tactics he uses to get us to engage in Ed behavior. I mean, if we are all destined to slip/relapse because that is 'part of recovery' then wouldn't we all just give in/allow ourselves to engage in Ed behaivior when we are tempted to do so? Yesterday, I made the choice to binge. I made the choice to not live in recovery. I made the choice to believe Ed and follow his directives. His offer was so tempting and I wanted to do it. I need to remember his lies always lead to my 'death' . So, this makes it even more clear to me that every day, I must make the choice...l Ed or recovery. There really are only two choices and I really must decide throughout each and every day. So, what will I do when Ed tries to tempt me again....because he will.... I will.... refuse to live a life of slips and relapses. I am commiting to live a life of freedom and victory.... A life here present on earth, not hell.
So... Whenever Ed comes at me with temptation to engage in Ed behaviors I will live this truth....
All of you must keep awake (give strict attention, be cautious and active) and watch and pray, that you may not come into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Matthew 26: 41
For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin), [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.
1 Corinthians 10: 13
1 Corinthians 10: 13
But those who crave to be rich fall into temptation and a snare and into many foolish (useless, godless) and hurtful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction and miserable perishing. 1 Timothy 6: 9
And lead (bring) us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. Matthew 6: 13
And those upon the rock [are the people] who, when they hear [the Word], receive and welcome it with joy; but these have no root. They believe for a while, and in time of trial and temptation fall away (withdraw and stand aloof). Luke 8: 13
Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him. James 1: 12
Now if [all these things are true, then be sure] the Lord knows how to rescue the godly out of temptations and trials, and how to keep the ungodly under chastisement until the day of judgment and doom. 2 Peter 2: 9
Because you have guarded and kept My word of patient endurance [have held fast the lesson of My patience with the expectant endurance that I give you], I also will keep you [safe] from the hour of trial (testing) which is coming on the whole world to try those who dwell upon the earth.
Revelation 3: 10
Revelation 3: 10
That is the reason that, when I could bear [the suspense] no longer, I sent that I might learn [how you were standing the strain, and the endurance of] your faith, [for I was fearful] lest somehow the tempter had tempted you and our toil [among you should prove to] be fruitless and to no purpose.
1 Thessalonians 3: 5
1 Thessalonians 3: 5
And the tempter came and said to Him, If You are God's Son, command these stones to be made [loaves of] bread. Matthew 4: 3
Let no one say when he is tempted, I am tempted from God; for God is incapable of being tempted by [what is] evil and He Himself tempts no one. James 1: 13
[You should] be exceedingly glad on this account, though now for a little while you may be distressed by trials and suffer temptations. 1 Peter 1: 6
For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Hebrews 4: 15
But because of the temptation to impurity and to avoid immorality, let each [man] have his own wife and let each [woman] have her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7: 2
And when the devil had ended every [the complete cycle of] temptation, he [temporarily] left Him [that is, stood off from Him] until another more opportune and favorable time. Luke 4: 13
Woe to the world for such temptations to sin and influences to do wrong! It is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the person on whose account or by whom the temptation comes!Matthew 18: 7
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