I remember being a teenager and believing that the very first time I had sex, I would get pregnant. I'm sure my parents are very greatful that I innocently believed this and didn't make them grandparents while I was in high school.
I remember getting engaged and thinking about having babies with my amazing husband. At this time, I still believed that getting pregnant would be easy.
Now, after a year of trying, I am feeling hopeless. I also find myself wondering if I even want to have children. I mean, I have been reading many blogs written by women who have just had babies and some of it is down right depressing. Am I strong enough to handle the difficulties of motherhood! Perhaps I am looking at all of the negatives because I am scared. I am scared that my body is not capable of ovulating, conceiving and birthing a healthy baby. I see woman all around me, who It is so easy for and it hurts.
I feel angry.
I feel sad.
I feel completely ineffective and broken.
I feel out of control.
I feel defeated.
I feel old.
I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I feel hopeless.
I feel tired.
I feel depressed.
Now, this is how I want to feel....
I want to feel free.
I want to feel joy.
I want to feel excited about life.
I want to be happy.
I want to have energy again.
I want to feel whole and complete.
I want to feel content.
I want to feel alive.
So, I am going to focus on those things. I am going to focus on living this life. I am going to get excited about my upcoming vacation with my husband! I am going to reach out and try to make friend... I seriously have none! Of course I am going to continue ttc, but I don't want it to consume me any longer. So, today I am going to do the following things for me...
I am going to get in a workout.
I am going to take a long, hot shower.
I am going to do m hair and makeup.
I am going to book reservations for dinners out for our vacation.
I am going to read a magazine.
I am going to pray and read the bible.
I am going to bake.
I am going to curl up with my husband when he gets home and just enjoy him and our love!