Thursday, September 20, 2012

Ed is killing you every time you choose to follow him.

Good morning! It is freezing here in pa! Brrr! Hubby and I like to sleep with the ceiling fan on, because I love snuggling under blankets and hubby acts as a great little heater, but when he leaves for work... Brrrr! I'm not ready for cold weather. I am a total summer girl. I love sweltering heat! :)

So, I am still reading Women, Food, and God, and I am agreeing with so much of what the author is writing. Again, I want to share these thoughts. Then, either today or tomorrow, I want to write about more of my personal thoughts, where I am at, what happening in my life, etc. so, without further ado, here we go. *again, please excuse any and all misspellings. Typing this on the iPad and sometimes I type to fast for it to catch up and it misses letters/words, or it autocorrects and causes it to write what I didn't type. Thanks!

1. We all have a 'voice' inside of us. For those with disordered eating, that is what our voice tends to focus on. It focuses on all of the rules of eating, dieting, working out, etc. When we are still engaged in eating disorder behavior, we are very afraid of the disapproval of the voice a.k.a Ed. We punish ourselves for daring to believe that our lives could be different. We become risk aversive. We become scard to death of change. The voice a.k.a Ed steps in whenever we want to challenge the status quo. Can I get an amen? I find this with myself. When I was young, I was definitely a people pleaser. I wanted to please my parents and while I often thought some of their parenting techniques/ lifestyle choices were off, I was scared to question the status quo....even though I knew the way I was treated was wrong.  I'm not completely sure when or why it happened, but at some point in my life, I went from wanting to please my parents to wanting to please the voice inside of me. I wanted to do everything to please Ed. He gave me a list of rules and regulations and I did everything in my power to follow them. Years later, I am able to recogniz that Ed does not have my best interest in mind either. But, I find hat it is still hard and very scary to change. Whenever I try to take steps to change my life, fully recover, Ed is right there stepping in again. Now, I no longer do exactly what he tells me to do, but he is still there trying to win me back and manipulating my thoughts which at times can cause me to engage in behavior that appears in line with recovery, but is still following Ed. For example, during an appointment with my dietitian, she encouraged me to 'give it up once and for all'. She wants me to gain the remaining weight to get to a bmi that is optimal for conceiving. Immediately, Ed pointed out that I am at a healthy bmi and I eat all the calories I need to maintain my  weight. See, my dietitian was challenging my status quo (which is not allowing hubby and I to concieve despite bing at a 'healthy bmi') and Ed immediately stepped in telling me that I am healthy because a chart says so. Wrong-o Ed. I am not ovulating, despite what the weight chart says. Therefore, this is not a healthy weight for my body!!! Am I afraid of change, you bet I am. I wish I weren't, but I am. I have lived a life of also safety and security for years...years!!! Life has passed me by with me watching from the sidelines, to busy calculating, manipulating, focusing on Ed to live. I agree with the dietitian. It is time to totally let to. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be scared that my life will be worse off, Ed wants me to believe that, bu deep down, I don't believe that's true.

2. Ed's main warning is: don't cross the line, maintain the status quo. Ed usurps your strength, passion, and energy and turns them against you. Ed's intent is to keep you from being thrown out of whatever it perceives to be the circle of love and safety. Again, yes, yes, YES! How many times a day does Ed tell us not to cross the line. Not to follow doctors orders. Not to gain weight. Not to cut back on exercise. Not to challenge him. Not to change. We all have strength, passion, and energy. But, Ed takes all of that and forces us to use it to destroy ourselves and the lives we are meant o be living. I do agree that when we developed Ed, we did so to in some way protect ourselves (unconsciously). That is why Ed continues to try to keep us from being thrown from what we feel is safe. We believe our eds keep us safe from the bad inks in this world. But, it's a false sense of security. For me, my real security comes from God.

3. Ed renders you incapable of contacting your own authority. It treats you like a child in need of a moral compass, but its due north does not include any terrain that is fresh, new and alive. Have you ever felt that, even when Ed is screaming in your ear, you knew what YOU wanted and needed. Do to live a full life? I sure have. But, Ed does indeed tell me that I am incapable of making good decisions. He tells me that my ways are not good for me and will lead to misery. I can't help but think of other bloggers to need to gain weight, but Ed won't let them. They know what is good for them. They know  that full recovery is not possible without weight restoration, but Ed convinces them time and again that they need him to be their guide. Where has Ed lead us though? Has he led us to happiness and fulfillment? No! Ed never leads us to a new, full life, he keeps asking us on the same roads... Death, destruction, depression, loneliness, fear. It's time we become our own authority and use the compass that leads to a full life.

4. Freedom comes when we hear Ed ramble and posture and lecture and we don't believe a word of it. I love this. If we want to be truly free, we must stop believing and acting on what Ed says. So, I can hear Ed tell me, 'youre at a healthy bmi. You don't want to get to where the dietitian wants you to be. That's not the lowest you can be while still being healthy. You will be a failure at healthy living. Your husband surly won't find you attractive. You are so toned now, you don't want to lose all of that. Plus, do you really want a baby? You'll be a horrible mom. You are so messed up. You are selfish. You are a lunatic. You have no friends. You are so ugly. Your getting so old. If you cut back on exercise, you are going to be even more lazy than you already are. Bloggers who are pregnant work out ten times more than you do. You are lazy!' and on and on and on. So, freedom comes when I am able to hear all of this and disengage from Ed. I have access to myself and everything that Ed supposedly offers- clarity, intelligence, true discernment, strength, value, joy, compassion, curiosity, love. Nothing is wrong because there is no perfectly right to which to compare it. When I stop responding to the continual comments, from Ed, about my weight, value, existence... When I no longer believe that anyone, especially Ed, knows what's supposed to be happening, simple facts remain. When I release myself from Ed, I suddenly realize how long I've been mistaking Ed's death grip for my life.

5. Listening to and engaging in the antics of Ed keeps you outside of yourself. It keeps you bound, ashamed, anxious, panicked. No real or lasting change can ever occur as long as you are kneeling at the alter of Ed. How many times have you said that you wanted to change? How many times have you said that you want to recover? I have said these things for the past 14 years! And, yes, I have made significant changes. I am no longer in physical danger, and I haven't been for many, many years. But, I am still controlled by Ed. Is truth sparks to my heart.... I will NEVER be free. I will NEVER experience the real and lasting change a.k.a freedom from Ed UNTIL I stop kneeling at his alter. I will write more soon about how I am no longer kneeling at Ed's alter!

I would love to hear your thought and feelings about this or anything else that's on your mind in the comment section.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

More recovery thoughts

Well, once again, I've been spending a lot of time reading and thinking and I want to share some random thought that have come up over the past couple of days.

1. Eds and prolonged attempts at half attempted recovery are an investment in brokenness. They are a constant attempt to fix ourselves. If we believe that our constant job is to fix ourselves, we will keep finding more places to fix.

2. When we no longer believe that engaging in Ed behavior will save us from feeling exhausted or overwhelmed or out of control, or lonely, we will stop. When we believe in God, and in who God says we are as people, more than we believe in Ed, we will stop using Ed as if it were our only way not to fall apart. Now, I think it's important to realize here that, again, we can't simply sit back and wait to feel this way and expect Ed behaviors to just stop. Action comes first. We have to walk in faith of recovery while we learn to stop believing and relying on Ed.

3. To be given wings, we must believe we were put on this earth for more than our endless attempts to maintain a 'perfect body'. We must believe goodness and loveliness are possible.

4. When I have a desire to binge, at that moment I am believing the lie that, 'Food is the only true pleasure in life so I might as well eat.' obviously, this is not true! But, it is a lie I've told myself for years.

5. another lie I've told myself is, 'If I don't control what I eat and how much I workout, I will never be the best that I can be.'

6. Feelings don't destroy us. It's what we tell ourselves about the feelings. It's that we perceive a present-day feeling through historical eyes-eyes of a child.

7. When we have urges to engage in Ed behavior, it is beneficial for us to spend time checking in with ourselves, ask yourself what you are feeling, where is that feeling coming from, what belief do you associate with those feelings? I tried this and here is a belief that comes up A LOT... I believe that if I am pretty enough, thin enough, strong enough- I will be lovable and my husband will never want to look at or be with another woman. I believe that the reason men look at or want women ore than their wives/girlfriends is because they are not enough (yet are too must to handle all at the same time). I learned this as a child. My dad often talked about wanting a prettier woman than my mom... A thinner woman, who wasn't a 'bitch'. As a child, this made me feel scared, fearful of being abandoned, out of control. This is a belief that I carry around and fear daily. And no matter how hard I try to overcome it, I can't.

8. When we are given a meal plan or exercise plan to follow, we believe that if we are faithful to the plan, we will find peace from the relentless self hatred caused by Ed.

9. Engaging in Ed behavior shows that we believe that chaos is imminent and steps need to be taken (engaging in Ed), now to minimize the impact of chaos.

10. We believe that if we limit our body size, we can limit our suffering. If we limit our suffering, we can control our lives. We can make sure bad things don't happen. We can stop chaos.

11. We believe that if less of us shows up, less will get hurt. Upwelling believe that if we cut ourselves off at e knees, we won't have far to fall when someone else brings out a sword. Eating less/exercising more- being thin is equated with being safe.

12. We believe that in life, there is not enough of what we need to go around. We fear we won't get what we need. We react to this belief by depriving ourselves before we can be deprived or storing up before the love/attention runs out.

13. We often use childhood defenses, as adults, to protect ourselves from losses that already happened in our lives. We need to believe that, as adults, we have a plethora of choices and skills to keep us safe... We don't need Ed!

14. When we use defenses (Ed behaviors), that we developed years ago, we freeze ourselves in the past. We lose touch with reality, and we live a lie.

15. For those with Ed, wanting is scary.... To them, wanting means losing control.

16. We need to discover who we are taking ourselves to be. Is it a young child who believes she needs to manage her environment so that everyone will be happy and she will be safe? When we understand that we are taking ourselves to be a child, who no longer exists, we become aware of what does exist. We can start living.

17. Labels- such as anorexic, bulimic, over eater, orthopedic, etc. can become excuses for not taking action... For not recovering... For not truly living life you were destined to live. We start believing e lies... 'I am ridgid about what I eat because I am anorexic and like structure.' 'I binge because I am trying to fill a void.' while these may be true, we cannot let them become excuses for not living.

18. People utterly focused on food and weight never consider that they are ignoring the most obvious solution. We tell ourselves the answer is out there and our job is to keep looking (keep searching for how to be perfect, how to fully recover, how to do it all just right), to never give up until we find a solution. We use the hunt for answers to abdicate personal responsibility-and with it- any semblance of power for our relationship with food and weight.

19. Freedom from Ed does not only come from what you do, living recovery, but it also comes from knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you believe you can't have it.

We'll... Those are all my thoughts for now. What do you think? I would love to hear your insight!

*these thoughts came from 'women, food, and God'

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Meal favorites

Call me a dork, if you want but I love doing thes. Haha

1. Favorite cereal as a child?
I loved Golden Grahams. Confession... I was never a fan of fruity cereals like trix or fruit loops and I didn't like things with marshmallows either like lucky charms. It was pretty much just golden grahams when I did eat cereal. But, does anyone remember the chocolate peanut butter carnation instant breakfast bars. Seriously, that all I wanted to eat for breakfast everyday as a kid.

2. Coffee or Tea? With milk or without?

I love the smell of coffee, but I can't stand the taste. I always have wanted to like it, along with beer, but gag! I do like hit tea thought. Just sugar no milk. 

3. The one food you eat most often at breakfast?
I almost always have a banana and cottage cheese with strawberry jelly mixed into it along with my other breakfast items.
1. Sandwiches are generally considered a “lunch food.” If you had to choose between a grilled cheese and a peanut butter and jelly, which would you pick?
Hmmm... That's a hard choice to make. I really like both...grilled cheese with ketchup and pb and j with strawberry jelly. 
2. You can only put four ingredients in your salad (not including greens); what do you throw in the mix? Additionally, which greens and dressing do you pick?
Taco seasoned meat, crushed up Doritos, cheese, and creamy Italian = taco salad!
3. One food you can’t live without at lunch?
I tend to really mix up my food for lunch, but one thing I need is some h2o to wash down my delicious eats.
1. It’s the end of the day. You’re tired, hungry, and your fridge is empty. If a fast food (from a chain) is your only option, where do you go and what do you order?
Chipotle all the way! I always get a chicken burrito with mild salsa and lettuce and yes I eat the whole humongous burrito every-single-time.
2. TV/computer on or off while you’re eating?
For breakfast and lunch, i am always doning solo, so I always have my iPad on. But, for dinner it's nothing. I just like to enjoy eating with hubby!
3. The one food you eat most often at dinner?
Broccoli and cheese as a side dish. Mmm. Can't get enough of that stuff lately.
1. Choose between these two American desserts: cheesecake or apple pie?
I am a huge fan of both, but if my life depended on choosing only one, I would go with cheesecake.
2. Choose between these two foreign desserts: tiramisu (Italy) or flan (Spain)?
Neither! I don't like coffee and flan just looks nasty to me.
3. Ice cream: cone or cup?
I get a cup because my ice cream is almost alway a blizzard from dq or a pint of Ben and Jerry's!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Recovery thoughts

For the past few days, I've spent a lot of time really thinking about Ed and Ed recovery and what it is, exactly, that I want out of life. So many random thoughts are spinning in my head and I need to get them out so, here they are.

1. I am realizing that there are more changes I need to make if I want to have a baby. I make sure that I eat more than enough every day to meet my body's needs and I am proud of that. But, I am realizing, after talking to Mallory! Who has an AMAZING blog
that I may want to try making some more changes to icrease my chances.

2. I still struggle with the desire to binge sometimes. I read this and it was how I've felt, 'The sight of the Hostess Sno Ball turned the world into a riot of colors.' I can remember telling my therapist that binging, for me, was like having my own little party. The same author also said, 'I turned to food for the same reasons that people turn to God: it was my sigh of ecstasy, my transport to heaven, my concrete proof that relief from everyday life was possible.' I feel this is the way it is for many with any kind of Ed. Ed gives us relief from life and we turn to Ed behaviors to experience relief, pleasure, etc.

3. Ed behaviors are used in an attempt to control the world. We believe that because we are x, y, and z, bad thing have happens, are happening, or are going to happen. So, we use Ed to try to stop, prevent, or numb ourselves from those things.

4. When we make the choice to stop engaging in Ed behavior (or just dieting behavior for those who don't suffer from a diagnosed Ed, but who have dieted or over exercise, etc.) it often feels like we are breaking some sacred promise that goes against everything we believe is right. It's like breaking a promise that we feel we are never supposed to break. But, the reality is that we made those promises when we were sick. Ed made those promises! Breaking them is the right thing to do!

5. I believe that in a way, recovery happens when we stop trying to fix ourselves. Now, I don't mean that we shouldn't get professional help, follow advice of doctors and dietitians, or work on therapy. What I mean is, we need to stop fighting with our true selves. I remember in the throws of Ed, I knew I didn't really want to do half the things I as doing. Recovery happens when we stop fighting with that inner part of us, that although it may buried, it is there. We must stop fighting with ourselves, stop blaming ourselves, and start listening to our true selves.

6. As long as we are living in that I between stage of recovery (where we are only doing it half way... Maybe therapy work without weight restoration, maybe diagnosed but still engaging in behaviors...etc.) we have something to strive for, to push towards (recovery). We know we have a purpose. We are someone who is working hard. We don't have to feel lost or hopeless because we have a goal. But, at what cost? It is a false sense of purpose we have created. Again, we are not really living but nearly existing. It's time to fully recover and really live life!

7. In attempting to recover, sometimes we become so obsessed with getting rid of Ed that we lose the pieces of ourselves that can be discovered.what I mean is, we focus so much on researching the best ways to recover, how others recovered, what are the perfect foods to eat while recovering, etc. that we don't take time to listen to our true selves. We become to busy listening to everyone lose. Again, don't let Ed twist what I am saying. Do not confuse listening to your true self for listening to Ed.

8. The relentless attempts we make to become or stay thin or toned or whatever perfection we are trying to obtain, are taking us further and further away from what could actually once and for all end our suffering!

9. Our obsessions with controlling our food and weight are attempts to avoid the absence of love, comfort, knowing what do do, etc.

10. Ending our obsession with food and weight is about the capacity to stay in the present moment.
We must start staying where we are with our feelings or what we are seeing or sensing. When we don't use our obsession to shut ourselves down, to leave our bodies, we will feel alive!

11.Our obsessions with food and weight is a refusal to be fully alive. It's our way of giving up on life without having to say so. We start to believe that it is not possible to live any other way.

12. When we be one obsessed with food and weight, it looks to us and others around us, that our obsession is our only real problem and if we fix that, life will be everything we want it to be. But, this is not our only problem. It's the lies we tell ourselves and believe about ourselves and the world we live in. It's time to speak the truth about who we are and the blessings God wants to give us.

Those are my random thought for now. I will be back soon with more. god has been blessing me with such insight and truth and I am enjoying living that truth! I pray that God is blessing you!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Walk the walk

Do you ever feel like you just want/need to talk, but you really have no idea where to start or if you really have anything to say? I've heard that when you feel this way, it's best to just randomly talk/write and more than likely, things of importance will come out. So, here I go...

Hubby and I really want to have a baby. It's proving much more difficult than we want. It's frustrating because I feel I am doing everything right, yet it's not happening. Ugh! Thankfully, I just found an ad in the newspaper revealing where my gyn moved to and I called this morning and got an appointment for Wednesday. Score! She's amazing and I am hoping she has some insight.

Sometimes, okay a lot of the time...maybe even all of the time... I get so tired of thinking about Ed/recovery. It totally feels like a double edged sword. I want to totally let go of all Ed behaviors, but at the same time, I feel scared to death about the whole thing.....while typing that a scripture verse came to mind. James 1:8 says 'a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.' can I get an amen? Isn't that the truth? When I am double minded, I am unstable. This causes me to stay where I am at, frozen in fear... Not yet at Gods best for my life. So, what am I to do?

James 4:8 tells me to 'draw near to God, and He will draw near to (me). Cleanse (my) hands, and purify (my) heart.

And, James 1:22-25 tells me to, 'be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving (myself). For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in the mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But, the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty (God's word), being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

Wow! Another blessing, speaking right to my heart! Thank God! It's written right here, I need to again be a doer of the word, not just a hearer of the word. I can go to church, I can read scripture, I can pray, I can proclaim God as my savior, but if I do not do what I hear/learn, I will not be changed. I will not be blessed. I will remain a woman with a double mind. (side note- how many times have you heard that there is the real you and the Ed voice....this is what the bible is referring to... A double mind. It's evil and God wants us to be healed!)

Again, Satan wants to badly for us to only hear the word, but not do what God is calling us to do. We must cling to Gods word and be people of faith. Even though I am scared, I must be a doer of Gods word. God promises that He will never give us more than we can take. We cannot wait to act until we are no longer afraid to act, that is not faith. Faith is trusting Gods word and believing him, despite what you see around you or feel/think inside of you. How will you act in faith today? How will you be a doer or the word and not just a hearer?

*** I will not fear recovery, for God says do not fear, I am with you.
*** I will not count calories, for God says do not worry about what you eat or what you drink or what you wear.
*** I will listen to and honor my body, for my body is God's temple.
*** I will live recovery because God says, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Let God spit on you!

That's right. I just told you (and me), to let God spit on you (us)! Yesterday, I heard a homily during mass that spoke right to my heart and I want to share it with you. The priest shared the story from Mark 7. It is about a man who is deaf and could barely talk. People took the man to Jesus and asked  Jesus to heal him. Jesus took the man away from the crowd, so Jesus could be alone with him. Jesus put his fingers in the mans ears and spit on the mans tongue. Jesus said, 'ephphatha,, which means be opened. And, the man was healed. He was fully restored and could hear and talk and see. Our priest pointed out two main points.

1. Jesus took the man away from the crowd so that he could be alone with him. Why did he do this? He wanted to get him away from all the negativity, all of the neighsayers. God wanted him away from the unbelievers and distractions. Jesus wanted him to be solely focused on God and His power.

2. Jesus spit on the man's tongue. Jesus spit on the very problem.,.the man's tongue. Jesus spit on the very thing that was holding the man back. The man was living with this problem, wanted healing, and Jesus spit right on the problem and the man was healed.

So how does this apply to you and me? Well.... I believe that in order to live truly free of all eating disorders, we must rely on God. We must turn from the neighsayers, anyone or anything telling us that we can't recover or that it's too hard to recover. Instead we must turn to God. We must allow God to surround us with his love and with the love and support of other believers. We must choose to go with God. For me, this means I must turn to God rather than other unhealthy blogs. I must turn to God and not look to the media to tell me how to live life. I also need to open up those parts of my life that are holding me back. For the man, it was his tongue.., his inability to speak. For me, it's Ed. My inability to relinquish control and feeling like I always need to control food/my body. I open that area of my life fully to God and I know that he is going to spit on it. He is going to heal me fully. I will be open, for the first time in years. I will be open to living, to life, to God and I know he will transform my life for the better. Som I challenge you to allow God to spit on your problems. What is holding you back?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Nothing and no one....including God will ever make you recover.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have often wished there was something or someone that would make me take the steps I needed to take to recover. As sick as this may sound, there were times I fantasized about getting an illness that would force me to need to take better care of myself or force others to have to take care of me. There were times I wanted someone to put me into a treatment center, where staff would make me do what I needed to do to recover. Even today, I want doctors to tell me that I have to do x,y, and z. But, the truth is nothing and no one, including God, will make me recover.... I MUST CHOOSE RECOVERY! And, I am not sure why... But that's very hard for me. It's hard for me to make that choice. I would must rather be forced to do it. I am sure there is a deep rooted reason behind this. Perhaps I don't want to take responsibility for my actions, perhaps I feel guilty for taking care of myself, perhaps I fear that by choosing recovery I appear weak to others, I fear loosing my identity, etc. etc.

I have spent a great deal of time...years...waiting to recover, hoping something or someone would make me. I waited to just wake up each and everyday wanting nothing but recovery. But, as I have said before, that's just not realistic. Sure, there are many moments and even full days that I just want recovery, but I find that most of the time, I still want someone to make me do it. Not going to happen!

Even now, when I have a doctor telling me that more than likely, hubby and I are not having luck conceiving because of lingering Ed issues, I am finding it difficult to fully throw myself into doing what the doctors are telling me to do. I want there to be no other option than doing what I know is right. That's not how the work works. I have heard people say before that if God truly loves us, if God didn't want us to have Ed's, if God wanted us to do or not do x, y, z, then doesn't He have the power to make us or stop us? The answer is simple...yes, He does have the power, but.... He gives us free will. Much like human relationships, we don't want someone to date us or marry us because we somehow manipulate the situations/relationship. No, we want someone to have a relationship with us/marry us because they want to. god doesnt want us to do what is right because He forces us to. Instead, He wants us to make the choice to do what is right, despite everything else pulling at us to so what's wrong.

So, I see that yes, I do wish something or someone would force me to live recovery, but that is never going to happen. I have the choice. I need to either choose to live recovery or stay stagnant where I am in this middle area somewhere between Ed and full recovery. While, of course, logically, it is a very easy choice, there is much more than logic involved. There are fears and emotions. However, this is a time where, as I learned in therapy, I must acknowledge those fears and emotions, but not let them lead the way. Instead, I must follow logic on this one. So, I choose to do what I know it right. I take responsibility. I stop wishing someone would make me do what is right and I act as the adult woman I am.

Have you ever wished for someone or something to make you recovery? Have you tried putting that responsibility on someone like a spouse, parent, child? If you have, I encourage you to think about what I have said. Meditate on the truth that God loves you. God does NOT want you to have an Ed. he wants you to choose life, but He gives you free will. While recovery is difficult, the life you gain from recovery is better than imaginable and the other a life with Ed, or that in between recovery and Ed state, is or will become what I call living death. Choose life!