Friday, March 7, 2014

Are 'healthy living' blogs healthy?

So, I was thinking about how long I have been reading these so called healthy living blogs. Years! I have wasted years of my life reading them...that's right...I said wasted! I started reading them when I was still in a phase of disordered eating and I just kind of got sucked into these blogger's lives. And without even realizing it, I started to truly believe that these people were the picture of health. I believed what they did was what we should all strive for. Thankfully, I have come to the realization that this is not true!

The truth is, most of these healthy living bloggers have suffered or are still suffering with eating disorders. While many bloggers profess health and well being, they take it to the extreme and their past/present disorders  deceive them and others into believing that their behaviors are healthy.

The truth is, it is not normal or healthy to restrict food intake or exercise daily to maintain a weight that is too low for YOUR body.

The truth is, women need to be at an optimal weight for THEIR body in order for it to function properly.

The truth is, you don't have to be a runner, cross fitter (?), body builder, professional yogi, etc. to be healthy.

I fell into this trap where I was believing these healthy living bloggers more than doctors! My doctors  were telling me that I was unhealthy. They were telling me that my body was too stressed and my bmi was too low (for me- even though it was in the normal range) to have normal menstrual cycles. But, I didn't believe them. I mean, bloggers x,y, and z all ate waaaaaaay less, exercised waaaaaay more and had waaaaaay lower bmis, and they are 'healthy'. I avoided following the doctor's advice for a long time, until one day it dawned on me...perhaps these 'healthy living' bloggers aren't really healthy. Sure, they may have low bmis, they may have muscle definition, they may run marathons, they may eat clean.... But they may be tormented with addictive/disordered thoughts and behaviors. Some of their bodies may appear healthy on the outside, but the things they 'must' do to look that way- that's what's unhealthy.

So, if anyone ever stumbles upon this while looking for a healthy living blog, I pray for you. I pray that your heart and eyes will be opened to the truth. The truth that we will all age. Our bodies will all deteriorate and we will all die. And when we do, it won't matter how thin we were, how many days we worked out, how many races we ran or how clean we ate. You are so much more than all of this. You were created to thrive! Stop looking at healthy living blogs to tell you who you are and what you should be doing. Start reading the truth!

Monday, November 25, 2013

Pictures don't tell the whole story

I just deleted a lot of pictures off of my phone. Over the past few days, I have noticed that when I would see some of the pictures, I would feel terrible that I was no longer as skinny as I was. I found myself beating myself up for gaining some weight and I realized that the pictures had to go. Why? Because those pictures don't tell the whole story. Those pictures show what my body looked like, but they do not show what my mind and heart were like. Those pictures don't display the turmoil I was in. They don't show how dizzy and lightheaded I was. They don't show how irritable I was with my husband. They don't show that behind those shallow eyes, all there was is a love of food and nothing else.

This is something that we all need to remember when we find ourselves looking at photos in magazines, on other people's blogs, or in the media. Those photos will never be able to tell you the whole story. So, rather than looking at those photos/images and perhaps longing to be like them/the old you, focus on what you want in life and live it.

Those pictures are now deleted and I feel a sense of relief. I no longer have those images taunting me to return to the life of deprivation. I am free to focus on the life that I want to live and that is a life that is full....not of food, working out, striving for a certain body type, or even a baby. Rather, it is a life that is full of love, freedom, joy, peace and above all God.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Always looking for the next binge

Okay so, here we go....

I am always looking for the next binge. It's true. During one binge and until I can binge again, I continuously think about binge eating over and over again. Ice cream, candy bars, muffins... I become obsessed with thoughts of all of the food I want to eat. That's the other thing to note. I don't just want a dish of ice cream, a regular size candy bar or a muffin. I want pints of ice cream with multiple king sized candy bats. I want packages of muffins with multiple candy bars. I understand that for people without eating disorders, the thought of this would make them sick. But, it excites me. Why? Why do I long for huge quantities of binge foods? What am I really longing for. Some tell me it's becaus ei may be hungry... That's not true because I wouldn't need such huge volumes to be satisfied if it were just that I was physically hungry. Like I said in a different post, I look forward to each binge. It brings me joy and excitement. Is that what I am looking for? If that's the case, the tri is, food- no matter how much I eat and eat and eat, will never bring me the joy and excitement that I long for. Sure, it will bring it to me for the few brief moments I am bingeing, but, when it's over, it's over. Perhaps that's why I am already looking for the next binge.

God's word tells me that He is the only thing that will fill my heart. I have never known this kind of love and fulfillment. I have seen people who love God and profess feeling completely fulfilled by God. To be honest, I long for it, but I have never experienced it. I want to. I wonder of I don't feel it because I am constantly putting food in the place where God wants to be. I really wish God would just email me or call me and let me know exactly what I need to do to be able to fall in love with Him and never again want to use food to get all of the things my heart longs for.

God, where are you? Please help me!

Let's ramble

I really don't know what I am going to write about, so I figure I will just ramble :)

Has anyone else spent an immense amount of time searching for answers to the question, 'how do I overcome disordered eating?' I seriously have searched high and low for the answer for years. You can find a lot of information, but here's the kicker.... Are you ready? You will never overcome disordered eating by answering that question. What?!?!? It's true! The only way we will ever be able to overcome disordered eating is by.... Kicking disordered eating out of our lives...once and for all!

You can read about how personality and past events lead to disordered eating, but unless you change negative thoughts, use your amazing personality traits for good and not evil, and accept the reality that you can't control what has happened to you, but you can control how you live your life now, you will never overcome the disorder.

You need ACTION! It's not enough to read about and think about all that you need to do. You need to DO it! I absolutely hate that so many people lead others to believe that if you just learn about why you do it, the urges will go away. If that were the case, I would have been free looooong ago. The truth is, we need to walk in the freedom that God has already died for is to have. We don't need to wait until we understand why we do it. We don't need to wait until we no longer have urges to act on urges. We need to walk by faith...believing what God has told us. Our old (disordered) selves have died with Christ and now we are a new (no disordered) creation! Did you hear that? We are free! Let's live it!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Why do you binge?

I have read so many reasons for why people binge.
People binge because...
They are trying to stuff down emotions.
They don't eat enough during the day.
They don't drink enough water during the day.
They are trying to be overweight so that they won't receive sexual attention.
they numb their feelings.

Why do I binge? I feel like I don't truly know the answer to this. I do know that no matter how much I eat during the day, I always want to binge. In fact, i am usually planning the next binge right after I finish bingeing (and am stuffed). I wake up thinking about how I am going to get the food and literally waiting all day untl it is time to binge. I anticipate it. I love it. I always hear people say they hate it, but I don't. I really love it. So, I guess the reason I binge is because it brings me an emmense amount of pleasure. It makes me feel incredible and gives me something that I love to look forward to everyday. why do you binge?

Same mountain

How many times will we circle the same mountain? It has been years, and while I have seen various sides of the mountain, I am still circling the same one. I spend countless hours, every day, seeking answers. I ask google how to find freedom from disordered eating. I read blog after blog, studying the blogger's lives, trying to figure out how to be free once and for all. But, here I am still wondering how to be free.

The reality is, God has already set me free. That is what the bible says, therefore it is the truth. This is the truth that I need to remind myself of daily. God bought my freedom when He died on the cross for me (and you). He offers us that freedom. It is our choice whether we live in it or not. I have not been living in Christ's freedom. I have continued to live in bondage and the truth is, I will never be free and healed if I don't make the choice to walk in God's freedom.

How can I do this? I need to renew my mind. Keep God first in my life. Study the word of God and meditate on it day and night. I need to live God's truth and reject the devil. I will be writing a lot and most of it won't make sense, but my hope is that by getting everything out, I will find healing and restoration and walk fully in God's freedom- the freedom my heart longs for.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


I remember being a teenager and believing that the very first time I had sex, I would get pregnant. I'm sure my parents are very greatful that I innocently believed this and didn't make them grandparents while I was in high school.

I remember getting engaged and thinking about having babies with my amazing husband. At this time, I still believed that getting pregnant would be easy.

Now, after a year of trying, I am feeling hopeless. I also find myself wondering if I even want to have children. I mean, I have been reading many blogs written by women who have just had babies and some of it is down right depressing. Am I strong enough to handle the difficulties of motherhood! Perhaps I am looking at all of the negatives because I am scared. I am scared that my body is not capable of ovulating, conceiving and birthing a healthy baby. I see woman all around me, who It is so easy for and it hurts.

Infertility hurts.
I feel angry.
I feel sad.
I feel completely ineffective and broken.
I feel out of control.
 I feel defeated.
I feel old.
I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I feel hopeless.
I feel tired.
I feel depressed.

Now, this is how I want to feel....
I want to feel free.
I want to feel joy.
I want to feel excited about life.
I want to be happy.
I want to have energy again.
I want to feel whole and complete.
I want to feel content.
I want to feel alive.

So, I am going to focus on those things. I am going to focus on living this life. I am going to get excited about my upcoming vacation with my husband! I am going to reach out and try to make friend... I seriously have none! Of course I am going to continue ttc, but I don't want it to consume me any longer. So, today I am going to do the following things for me...
I am going to get in a workout.
I am going to take a long, hot shower.
I am going to do m hair and makeup.
I am going to book reservations for dinners out for our vacation.
I am going to read a magazine.
I am going to pray and read the bible.
I am going to bake.
I am going to curl up with my husband when he gets home and just enjoy him and our love!