August 1, 2012.... it's time to finally let go. For YEARS, I have struggled with eating disorder(s)... yes more than one and today, it's time to finally let go of them. Now, I know people say that it takes years to overcome eating disorders/disordered eating, but 1. It's been years since I first developed an eating disorder. 2. For years, I have been to treatment centers, in therapy, to dietitians, read many books about recovery, etc. So, while it may sound simplistic, on one level, it's not. However, despite doing all of the above things.... I still allow myself to engage in eating disorder behavior every single day. And... today is the day that I am deciding to take action. Today is the day that I am going to let go of eating disorder behavior and start living the beautiful life that God has blessed me with. I have so much to say about this and I want to share it all here. While I do hope that someday someone will find these posts and they will be helped/inspired to let go and live their own beautiful life, I am doing this because I need to get all of these thoughts and feelings out of my mixed up mind :o)
I have been in what may would say is "recovery" for years. However, I am now realizing that while I have made progress, maintained a healthyish weight, ate regular meals, went to therapy, met the man of my dreams, got married, bought a house, etc.... I was still being strangled by the eating disorder. What I mean is, I was totally capable of living, what appeared to others to be, a normal life. However, I was still controlled by the eating disorder. Do you struggle with this too? Have you become so use to listening to the eating disorder voice that you no longer recognize it for what it really is. Can you separate the eating disorder voice from you? I challenge you to spend time today observing the thoughts that take place throughout the day. Are they your true self or are they the eating disorder? I will start with some thoughts I've had this morning....
1. "Today is the day I am going to stop calorie counting!"
2. "Today is the day I am going to start living free of the eating disorder(s)!"
3. "I can be healthy and happy."
4. "I know God is going to bless me with great things."
5. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"
Eating Disorder thoughts...
1. "I can't stop counting calories...I will overeat...I will gain more weight." COUNTER WITH TRUTH: We are designed to fuel our bodies with what they need, no more and no less. We know how to do this, we just need to trust. No one is the exception to this. Diets, eating disorder, the devil will tell us we can't but we can trust ourselves. God is the brilliant master of our design... my heart beats without me having to do a thing and like that... my body knows how much fuel it needs.
2. "Everyone else in the blog world counts calories, exercises WAY more than I do and eats way less than I do."'
COUNTER WITH TRUTH: Whether other bloggers count calories, exercise more and eat less than me or not does not matter. I do not need to be like other bloggers. I need to be the person God created me to be and I KNOW that He did not create me to be a slave to eating disorders. He created me to live an abundant life free from addiction, obsession, and bondage.
3. "I need to count calories to be in control of my body."
COUNTER WITH TRUTH: I am not in control of anything by counting calories. It's a false sense of control. The reality is, the devil is controlling my mind when I engage in eating disorder behavior and that just prevents me/distracts me from living the beautiful, abundant, full life God has for me. God designed my body and my mind to be healthy and function optimally.
4. "I will have too much anxiety if I don't count calories."
COUNTER WITH TRUTH: It is true that change causes anxiety. But, anxiety will not last forever. "If I always do what I've always done, I'll always get what I've always got." I want more, therefore, it's time to do things differently. With God, I am never alone and He is in control of everything in my life.
5. "If I let go of the eating disorder, I will have no identity. I will be weak."
COUNTER WITH TRUTH: It is the eating disorder that makes me weak. It takes GREAT strength to overcome an eating disorder and God gives all of us the strength to do it. My identity is not an eating disorder. I am a child of God and He's created me to be his disciple. I am just glad that I finally realized this. Now, I can stop wasting this precious life living according to lies and start living the life I am meant to live!
Now, the next step is to counter those eating disorder thoughts because as you can see.... THEY ARE LIES!!! (I will counter these lies with truth in a different color font)
I believe that all eating disorder thoughts come from the devil. And, as the bible tells us, "The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10. Did you hear that, the devil comes to STEAL, KILL, and DESTROY.... isn't that exactly what eating disorders do? I know that in my life, eating disorder(s) have stolen, killed, and destroyed (or almost destroyed) my joy, happiness, contentment, friends, ambition, relationships, ability to eat normal, satisfaction with my body, spirit, my physical body, my desires, and so much more.
Now, for the good news, the last part of that verse says that God comes to give us life and to give it to us abundantly! I don't know about you, but that's what I want. I want an abundant life. I have been seeking an abundant life, but I have been seeking it in all of the wrong places. For years, I believed being in control of food, being in control of my weight, having the "perfect" body, being the "perfect" size, being the "perfect" weight would give me an abundant life. WRONG! I also believed allowing myself to indulge in a lot of junk food would fulfill me... WRONG! God, has given me the answer, HE came to give me an abundant life. It's a free gift and today, I am accepting that gift. I am letting go of the life I have been living for the past 14 years and I am finally accepting the beautiful life God has given to me. Won't you join me?