Sunday, December 30, 2012

I wanted to kill myself

When I first started writing here, I wanted to give people hope.l. And I still do... But right now,I don't have hope. In fact, I had feelings of wanting to end my life. I am so sick of being fucked up. I am so sick of not being loved and taken care of. I feel l Ike I can't deal with life and I feel like all I do is cause my husband I want to disappear. I want to disappear so that he can have everything he wants and deserves. This is not a poor's simply how I am feeling right now. For years I have tried to use food to numb me and make me feel good...well, even that's not working anymore. I keep binging more and more tring to feel good. If I give that up, how will I ever feel good? Right now, I don't see a way out and all I want to do is die.

Saturday, December 29, 2012


I remember hearing that sometimes its good to just write...even if you have no idea what to write. So, here I am....and I plan to come write often. So, here's what's going on in my mind....

I have gained a lot of weight over the past few weeks. My dietician and husband are thrilled... I am not. I feel very out of control with it and it scares me. I know it's good for me and is going to help me start ovulating again, but I just feel l Ike I'm out of control now. I always heard eating disorders are about gaining a false sense of control...guess that's true.

I have been hoarding calories during the day so that I can binge at the end of each day. I wish this wasnt true, but it is. I just can't get rid of my love of bingeing, no matter how hard I try. I don't know what to do.

I have this overwhelming fear of not being completely full and satisfied. Has anyone ever had this? Has anyone overcome this? Anyone have any ideas for me?

When did I start bingeing? I was anorexic for years.,l in and out of treatment centers.... I remember hearing a calorie is a calorie. I learned that if I ate wxyz number of calories of veggies or wxyz calories of junk would have the same effect on,y weight. So, I started to let myself have everything I wanted....I wanted icecream pizza, candy, junk flood! I was able to maintain my weight because I was eating the right amount of calories, but it was mostly junk food. I would also restrict during the day so that I could eat large volumes of food at night...alone. I would have lighter meals and then when my parents went to bed, I would eat 5-6 yogurts with a bag of pretzels mixed in. The next night, I would have 3 yogurts and a bag of bagels... Yes,  a whole bag. I loved the way my stomach felt... Stuffed... Full... No more hunger. I was finally satisfied.

Like I said, know really fear not binge eating. I don't want to feel deprived. I feel so lost and like I'll never be healthy. I feel defeated and depressed.