Friday, January 18, 2013

How the eating disorder messed with my fertility

I remember when I was in and out of treatment centers, one thing doctors and my parents warned me about was that eating disorders can decrease your chances of having children.

I am going to be completely honest, at that time, I had no interest in having children. Heck... I hadn't had a boyfriend in years and questioned if I would ever get married. Plus, I was very sick(mentally and physically), and I cared much more about staying thin. Just writing that truth makes me sad for the woman I use to be.

Fast forward to July 9, 2011. I married the most incredible man in the world and from that day started dreaming of having babies. I had to have laparoscopic surgery  2 weeks before the wedding to clean up some adhesions from endometriosis, but my gyn was hopeful that we would have no problem conceiving because the endo was not on my ovaries or tubes. Just a few months after being married, my gyn put me into chemically endured menopause to stop the endo from growing for 6 month as she felt right after would be a great time for us to conceive...and 6 month into marriage sounded great to us too! I will say that I pray to God chemically endured menopause is worse Han real menopause, because I was a disaster. My husband was a saint and loved me and held me and took care of me when my hormones raged and I became seriously depressed and even suicidal.

After the 6 months, hubby and I were really excited about the prospect of getting pregnant. We knew it may take awhile, but we were very optimistic. It has now been almost a year since we started trying and nothing! I have worked with my gyn. She's determined that I have plenty of eggs, but I am just not ovulating. Even with clomid, a fertlity medication, my body is not ovulating.

A few weeks ago, I faced the fact that the reason I am not ovulating is more than likely due to residual Ed behaviors. At the time, I was still trying to maintain a weight that may be too low for my body (even though it's in the 'normal' bmi range. I faced the fact that my body may need more weight and more energy (ie. calories) to function properly- ovulate! So.... I increased my energy intake. I have been eating at least 2500 calories daily, because based on research, that's what bodies need to repair damage after periods of restriction...even though I wasn't starving myself... I was still eating less than my body needed, as evidenced by it shutting down ovulation. I have gained 10 pounds so far and the funny thing is, I feared it for years, but now I am embracing it!

I would like to note that I never stopped menstrating. It is a myth that as long as you keep getting your period you are at a healthy weight for your body. Sometimes woman bleed without ovulating....this is a sign that your body is not functioning at its optimal level. Your body has shut down part of its functioning and the only way to get it working again is to get it back to homeostasis.

Well, I've been doing great for about a month and while I still did not ovulate... I believe my body is healing and I pray that soon it will be fully functioning again and God will bless us with a baby. Last month my progesterone on day 21 was 0.3. This month it was 8.0.... And the gyn said +10 indicates ovulation occurred.

I have been disappointed for so many months. I have cried many tears and found myself jealous of women who can get pregnant easily. Sometimes I fear it will never happen for us. Years ago I wanted nothing more than to stay thin. And, in pursuit of that I forced my body to maintain a 'too low for me' weight. In response, my body stopped functioning the way God designed it to function.

Today, I than God for revealing His truth to me. I believe that God designed my body to bring life into this world. I believe God will bless us with a baby, but I know that I need to continue to do my part. Not just today, not just until I get pregnant or have babies, but for the rest of my life. I want to take care of the body God has given to me. So, for anyone out there struggling with infertility that may be caused by an eating disorder. I do believe Fod will restore your body to health and functioning. But, we must stop abusing our bodies.

Here's to hoping that one day soon I will be here writing that my body is restored and I am ovulating...and I pray one day I get to give birth to a beautiful, healthy creation of love!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Do what scares will free you!'s a word that I longed to become a reality in my life. I wanted freedom from perfectionism, freedom from anorexia, freedom from binging, freedom from negative thoughts, freedom from judgement, freedom from all the heavy chains that weighed me down for years. And you know what.... Today, more than ever I am experiencing that freedom!

For years, literally, I sought the advice of others suffering from eating disorders, therapists, dietitians, friends, family members, pastors, bloggers and of course good ol google. I wanted desperately to know how to find the freedom I longed for. Today, I realize that each and every person was telling me what I needed to do...and they were right...but I was too scared to do any of the things they suggested. Sure, sometimes I would implement a thing or two, but I never fully commit and I usually tweaked their advice.

Recently, I committed to following the advice I've been collecting for years...inspire of fear and this is what is leading me to true freedom. I have been following my dietitians advice. I've been getting rid of 'stinking thinking', I've been praying and reading the bible, I've been working out in moderation- approved by my dietitian, I've been being my own best friend. I am no longer a perfectionist...because no one is...even those who strive to be. Perfection is an endless goal that no one will ever be capable of achieving. Sure, I can be super thin, but I won't be healthy...that's not perfection. I can be really good at math, but I may suck at writing...that's not perfection and that's okay!

So, for anyone out ere that may be speaking answers to how to finally have freedom, here it is... Start following the advice and inner wisdom you already have! That will lead you to true freedom and it's the most beautiful thing you will ever experience!

God bless your,

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

God can take away ANY and EVERY pain you feel.

I read this quote today in Beth Moore's, 'Scripture and quotations from Breaking Free'. It said, 'Only God can put the pieces of our heart back together again, close up all the wounds, and bind them with a porpous bandage that protects from infection, yet keeps the heart free to inhale and exhale love.' 

I remember the day my brother, Eric, died so vividly. In fact, sometimes the whole day plays in my mind in 30 seconds and while it's been almost 2 and 1/2 years, in those moments it feels like I am living it all over again.

I remember crying for days...and feeling like my heart had been ripped apart. I remember asking God why he didn't save Eric. I knew that God could have and I asked Him why He didn't. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to go a single day without feeling the pain that pierced my heart deeper than anything ever had before.

As I said, there are days where I relive that pain and in fact, they still come fairly regularly. To be honest, they came while I was writing this and in an instant I was sobbing and my heart ached. But, as Beth Moore said, God can put the pieces of our hearts together again. While I miss Eric and my heart breaks over losing him, God has comforted me and brought me peace. He has healed my shattered heart and brings joyful memories of Eric to my mind regularly. 

No matter what you are going through or have been through, no matter how shattered your heart is, God can put your shattered heart back together. He desperately wants to do that for you. He wantes to bless you and protect you. All you have to do is allow Him to.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

There is another way....

Last time I wrote, I had fallen back under the attack of negative thoughts and feelings. Since then, I have come back to the place of recovery. Over the past few weeks, I have truly been living life differently. I have been allowing myself to stretch beyond the limitations I placed in my life years ago. And you know what? I am happier! I am more at peace...even with my body. For years I struggled with overcoming eating disorder behaviors and that struggle was built upon fear. I feared letting go of the false security the eating disorder gave me. I feared letting go of the control I had over my body. I feared that I would be miserable if I gained weight, let go of dietary restrictions. I don't know about anyone else, but when I experience fear I usually run back to comforting things...rather than face it. But... I have been facing it. I have been doing what works...I have been living life differently and I have learned that it truly is possible to live without eating disorder behaviors and be happy... truly happy! Now, I want to make it a priority to share what I have learned with everyone I can. I remember for years I wanted to meet someone that was truly recovered... Not just said they were recovered, but lived a life of excessive exercise or restriction still. So, I will be here sharing my journey of true recovery. If you every have any questions or want to talk, please contact me! God bless you, Karla

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Is there an end? All I want to do is binge!

Sunday was a really bad day. I literally wanted to end my life. I sobbed for hours uncontrollably. I talked to my hubby for hours and finally I felt better. Monday,I had new resolve. I again wanted to stop eating in disordered ways. But, Today, I was back to saving calories so that I could eat all the junk food I wanted. So, for breakfast I had a bagel, cream cheese, cottage cheese and a banana. Then, at noon I had a wherthers (saving calories). Then, at 6pm... I was able to binge. I ate 1/2 gallon of ice cream, 4 cookies and 2 Reese's trees. And you know what, the whole time I was trying to figure out how I could do it again tomorrow...and how the next day I could save to eat a whole bag of m&ms. So, my question is, does this ever end??? People say that the desire to binge comes from restricting. But, I do get enough calories at night. And, if I spread them out, i feel like I'm missing out. I just don't know what to do. Do I just need to accept that I Willa,ways be like this?