Thursday, August 30, 2012

Crying over food?

Food is food. Food is fuel. Food is nourishment for our bodies. Food is simply food. It has no power. So.... Why do we give it so much power? Why do we let it control our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors?

Story time..... Yesterday I had a bone scan done on my left hip, leg, and foot. I've had throbbing pain for over a month and while it doesn't hurt when moving around it THROBS at rest. Weird! I know! Anyways, after the scan my sil (sister in-law) came over. She wanted to go for a walk, so we headed out. During the walk, I felt like my left leg was going to collapse and it hurt so bad. We ended the walk, came home, had dinner with hubby and my in-laws to visit.

Here's where it gets interesting... On the way home, I asked hubby if he wanted to stop for ice cream (I had determined hours earlier that I 'deserved' a large blizzard with extra pb cups!). He said no! What?!?! I became very upset. I was mad. I felt deprived. I was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to get that fix... And only a large pb cup blizzard would do! I couldn't figure out how I was going to do it. I conituned to drive home. I came into the house, laid on the bed, and hoped hubby would feel so bad he would go back out with me and get some. It didn't work. He came in our room, laid down, and turned on the game. Now, I became even more mad and it went from, I want the damn ice cream to... You don't even care that I am so sad..... (so sad about icecream?!?!?- I took note that it's not 'normal' to give food so much power to make me so upset.) after laying there a few minutes, I began to cry. I mean SOB. I couldn't control it. Hubby asked why I was crying. I told him because my leg hurt and because he wouldn't go get icecream with me. He pointed out that he said we could stop, but that he didn't want any. I cried harder. I told him that I didn't want to have it without him. Then, I told him i was leaving to go get it by myself (note it was 1030pm at this point). But, I didn't go. Instead I sobbed. I was still so mad. He didn't seem to care how much my leg hurt. He didn't care I wanted ice cream so badly. He didn't care. He was frustrated with the crying over ice cream, so he walked out of the room. This upset me even more. When people walk away, it tells me they don't care about me. I went outside to cry alone. Hubby came out... But not because he cared. He came out because he didn't want the neighbors to see me out there crying. Of course, this made me even more sad and cry even harder. I went in the house, had a snack and went to bed feeling very unloved and very mad. I was feeling like all hubby cared about was how he felt, how he looked (to the neighbors), and what he needed (sleep) because he was on call last night. I wanted him to care about me!!!

Now, I must take time to say that hubby calls me every day on his lunch break, he showers me with words of affirmation, and last night when I was walking with sol, he called and offered to pick up my favorite take out for dinner. So, he is a great man and I love him dearly!

I also was mad at Ed last night. I was mad because he has trained me to use and abuse food, he's trained me to have to have what I want to eat...exactly...and when I want it. He has made me inflexible when it comes to food. And, last night, I saw it play out very clearly. It was okay that I was hungry. It was okay that I wanted a snack. It was okay that I wanted icecream, it was not okay that I would have done pretty much anything to get it. This is something I want to change. I want to be more flexible with food and last night was actually a really great eye opener.

1 comment:

  1. Hi! I'm a newer reader, but have read all of your posts. I have been in a similar situation, and I think I can offer some advice.

    I always save dessert for the evening, and if I do have it, it's after convincing myself that I deserve it. And it must be exactly what I crave. You said that only a PB Cup Blizzard would do. Last night, only certain cereals and Peanut M&Ms would do.

    My boyfriend is a HUGE sports fan. It's truly an obsession. When there's a game on, he has a one-track mind. It's part of his personality, and therefore I love and accept it, because it makes me happy. He deals with so many of my quirks, and goes out of the way to praise me and do things for me (similar to how your husband is, it seems!) so I am totally fine with not bothering him and giving him his sports time. Do you think that perhaps he didn't want to stop for ice cream, or go back out later, because he had a game to watch? I'm not saying this was the case, but it is a possibility. We are leaving our mini vacation half a day early to get to a bar to watch the New England Patriots game next month. Crazy, but I think how thoughtful and generous my boyfriend was to even book this getaway for us, and pay for it entirely himself.

    I also know how you feel about having somebody to eat dessert with. I feel that if I eat it with my boyfriend, it's justified. Unforunately, he doesn't really enjoy snacks or sweet. BUT I have gone out of my way to tell him awhile ago that I need him to indulge with me sometimes, in order for me to conquer my fear foods and feel more comfortable eating something that is scary to me. Of course, he doesn't understand the feeling we get when facing unhealthy food, but he understands that I need the support. However, if I had not told him this point blank, he would definitely not have assumed it. He would likely decline dessert much more frequently. I know that he has dessert with me even though he doesn't really love it, just to make me feel comfortable. He says it makes him happy to see me be free and enjoy myself. Have you tried to explain your feelings about dessert to your husband? He sounds like a caring and understanding man who really loves you, so I'm sure he'd be more willing next time to stop for ice cream if you explained your feelings about treats!

    Hope this helps!