Thursday, August 2, 2012

Shut up Ed!

Wow! I realized that I have A LOT of ed thoughts that run through my head in a day. For example, since I posted yesterday, here are some thoughts that ed sent my way...
1. If you just count how many calories you've had so far, you will be able to make sure dinner has just the right amount so that you can still have a humungo "snack" (binge) tonight.
Counter: Vicki (my dietitian) gave me a general plan that allows flexibility while supplying my body with the fuel that it needs. I don't need to count calories. I don't want to count calories. Counting calories is bondage. I can still have a snack tonight and I don't need to binge. I binged when my body was deprived throughout the day of what I needed. Giving my body what it means will take away the physiological need to binge. (*Note, I didn't count the calories, I had a great dinner and a snack and I didn't binge! Whoop whoop!)
2. If you don't binge, you are going to be hungry tonight.
Counter: I use to think I was weak if I binged, but now I see that I binged because my body didn't trust me. My body thought that I would restrict again someday or that I would workout more than it needed to, or that I would not give it nutrients it needed (including fat!), so it triggered the must binge now feelings. If I care for my body, it will learn to trust me and I won't need to binge. If I am hungry, I will eat. I don't need to binge though.
3. You must workout X amount today.
Counter: You can listen to and trust your body. Somedays working out will feel good and somedays it will need to rest. There is no need to set certain amount you "must" do.
4. What if you are making a huge mistake by not going back to teaching. I mean, you are such a loser if you aren't making at least what you made teaching. Plus, you aren't qualified to do anything else. So many people want teaching jobs. You've got it. You're crazy to walk away.
Counter: I have taught for 7 years and I have hated it for 7 years. I choose the profession when I was at a low point in my eating disorder. I wasn't listening to what I wanted to do. In fact, I had no idea what I wanted to do. There are a lot of people who want teaching jobs and someone will be very happy to have mine. I don't need to make money to be happy. I am smart and I have a BS and MS degree. I may not be "qualified" to do things I want to do, but I can go back to school and pursue any career I want. By not going back to teaching, I will have time to reflect upon my passions and choose what I want to do, without ed!
5. You can't hang out with her, when will you workout?
Counter: I don't "have" to workout today. Hanging out with people is important. Ed is all about isolation, but living life means spending time with people. Relationships are important to me and I am choosing to foster them now.
6. You will gone during lunch time, so that means you can skip lunch and save those calories to binge!
Counter: I don't skip meals any more. So, I can either grab something while I am out, eat before I go, or eat when I get home. I don't binge anymore. If I am hungry tonight (when I use to binge), I will have a snack.... no biggie. I eat when I am hungry now! It's the way God made my body! Incredible!
(Now, I am going to go back and counter those thoughts, because they are LIES!!!)
YUCK! It's time to work on that. Now, some may find it pretty discouraging that so many ed thoughts run through their head, but I heard something yesterday that I found very powerful. I heard that all you need to do to recover is REFUSE TO ACT on the ed thoughts. Sure, they may be there (and they may even be there a lot), but make it NOT AN OPTION to act on them. Of course, this may seem like a "duhhhhh!" to others, but it really knocked me up side the head with a 2x4. Again, we must remember that any ed thought we have is really the devil and what does the devil want to do? That's right. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy. But, the good news is, we have an incredible God. A God that loves us and wants us to be happy and free! God gives us the choice to be free, we just need to make that choice. How are you going to choose to be free today?
  •  I am going to follow the "general guide" my dietitian gave me.
  •  I am going to REFUSE TO ACT on any cunning ed thoughts that pop into my 'lil head.
  •  I am going pray for God's protection and trust that He's protecting me.
  • I am going to pray for God's guidance and believe He will lead me.
  • I am going to follow my true values rather than eds commands. (more to come on true values vs. ed's commands soon!)


  1. Wow, this really speaks to me because I ended up choosing a Master's degree in Elementary Education during the lowest point in my ED as well! I have always been a political junkie but for some reason, I felt teaching would inspire me or motivate me more... but I quickly realized that although I have tremendous respect for teachers and am passionate about education, I myself am not teacher material and would be very unhappy in that profession. So I'm curious, what plans do you have with an MS in Education? I'm hoping to merge politics and education in maybe the policy field, but it's not as easy as I thought! Feel free to email me :)

  2. Hey! I will be sending you an email so be on the look out for that. But I wanted to let you know that it's tough living with decisions we made when Ed was in charge of our lives. BUT... The great news is, when we are in charge, we can make new choices! Thanks for the comment and I look forward to chatting with you via email!