I don't know about anyone else, but I have often wished there was something or someone that would make me take the steps I needed to take to recover. As sick as this may sound, there were times I fantasized about getting an illness that would force me to need to take better care of myself or force others to have to take care of me. There were times I wanted someone to put me into a treatment center, where staff would make me do what I needed to do to recover. Even today, I want doctors to tell me that I have to do x,y, and z. But, the truth is nothing and no one, including God, will make me recover.... I MUST CHOOSE RECOVERY! And, I am not sure why... But that's very hard for me. It's hard for me to make that choice. I would must rather be forced to do it. I am sure there is a deep rooted reason behind this. Perhaps I don't want to take responsibility for my actions, perhaps I feel guilty for taking care of myself, perhaps I fear that by choosing recovery I appear weak to others, I fear loosing my identity, etc. etc.
I have spent a great deal of time...years...waiting to recover, hoping something or someone would make me. I waited to just wake up each and everyday wanting nothing but recovery. But, as I have said before, that's just not realistic. Sure, there are many moments and even full days that I just want recovery, but I find that most of the time, I still want someone to make me do it. Not going to happen!
Even now, when I have a doctor telling me that more than likely, hubby and I are not having luck conceiving because of lingering Ed issues, I am finding it difficult to fully throw myself into doing what the doctors are telling me to do. I want there to be no other option than doing what I know is right. That's not how the work works. I have heard people say before that if God truly loves us, if God didn't want us to have Ed's, if God wanted us to do or not do x, y, z, then doesn't He have the power to make us or stop us? The answer is simple...yes, He does have the power, but.... He gives us free will. Much like human relationships, we don't want someone to date us or marry us because we somehow manipulate the situations/relationship. No, we want someone to have a relationship with us/marry us because they want to. god doesnt want us to do what is right because He forces us to. Instead, He wants us to make the choice to do what is right, despite everything else pulling at us to so what's wrong.
So, I see that yes, I do wish something or someone would force me to live recovery, but that is never going to happen. I have the choice. I need to either choose to live recovery or stay stagnant where I am in this middle area somewhere between Ed and full recovery. While, of course, logically, it is a very easy choice, there is much more than logic involved. There are fears and emotions. However, this is a time where, as I learned in therapy, I must acknowledge those fears and emotions, but not let them lead the way. Instead, I must follow logic on this one. So, I choose to do what I know it right. I take responsibility. I stop wishing someone would make me do what is right and I act as the adult woman I am.
Have you ever wished for someone or something to make you recovery? Have you tried putting that responsibility on someone like a spouse, parent, child? If you have, I encourage you to think about what I have said. Meditate on the truth that God loves you. God does NOT want you to have an Ed. he wants you to choose life, but He gives you free will. While recovery is difficult, the life you gain from recovery is better than imaginable and the other option...living a life with Ed, or that in between recovery and Ed state, is or will become what I call living death. Choose life!
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