Tuesday, October 30, 2012

There's so much more to life than striving for a 'perfect' body

For years, I as so caught up in trying to achieve a 'perfect' body. I counted every calorie. I weighed every morsel of food. I worked out like many disordered 'healthy living' bloggers and my head was consumed with fears of gaining weight, eating out of control, etc.

Today, I sit here SO thankful that my mindset is changing. There is so much more to life than trying to have a perfect body, eating healthy, working out.

There is life! There is ... cooking dinner without caring how many calories is in it, following a recipe without substitutions because it tastes great and enjoying that meal with someone you love. There is ...not feeling guilty for not running and instead realizing that you are an active person just by going about your daily activities and enjoying a few nice walks a week. There is ...buying new clothes and instead of Feeling like you are letting yourself go, you realize and celebrate that your actually freeing yourself. You are freeing yourself to live a full life. You are freeing yourself to truly be healthy.

Today, I am so happy that I no longer beat myself up (physically or emotionally). Over the past wek, i realized that i was looking to healthy living bloggers (many who i believe have disordered eating/unhealthy relationships with workingout/their bodies) to tell me what
 Was best for my body. I am so happy for this realization because it is NOT how i am going to live my life. I have dreams, goals, and a beautiful life that i want to fully participate in. So, If you want me to tell you that it's great to workout to the point that your menstral cycles are irregular, or that you are fatigued all the time, or if you want me to tell you that you should eat clean all the time...I won't. Those are lies! The truth is, we are women. We are suppose to look like women..l.not starved, overstrained women but real women! Today, celebrate who you are, define who you are becoming and live life!

Friday, October 26, 2012

We can stop restricting, bingeing, purging, calorie counting, etc!

It's been a while since I wrote here, but I have been journalist and talking with people a ton.do you ever feel like you spend too much time trying to figure out why you binge, restrict, purge, calorie count, etc? I have felt like this in the past. I spen a lot of time really trying to figure out why I did it. Now, I realize that was one way of staying in the disorder. For me, when I was busy trying to figure it all out, I wasn't active in stopping the behaviors and for me stopping behaviors HAD to happen in order to start really recovering. When we still engage in behaviors, we allow ourselves to continue the disorder.

Now, I do believe I know many of the reasons why I engaged in Ed behaviors. I wanted to feel in control. I wanted to give myself pleasure and make myself feel good. I wanted to feel special and unique. I wanted to feel the comfort it gave to me. Basically, I wanted to feel really great feelings. Heck, I still do! Doesn't everyone? But, we must remember that the feelings the Ed behaviors give us are fleeting and ey come with real, severe consequences. Sure, some may think... Big deal, I calculate very morsel of food I put in my mouth. It controls my weight and I look and feel great. But, I dare o ask what this is doing to your social and emotional health.

Over the past few weeks, I have learned that there will be times when I want to binge, restrict, calorie count, etc. but, I must choose not to engage in those behaviors. Because, each time we engage in behaviors, it strengthens that habit. So, if I want to live a life free of bingeing, restricting, calorie counting...then, I need to continually be binge, restricting and calorie counting free.

There were a couple times this week when I wanted to save calories to binge, but I literally had to tell myself NO! (loudly) and make the choice to do the right thing.

I do believe that everyone can recover from disordered eating. I believe that the people who don't recover are the ones who truly don't want to fully live without it. I know that was true for me for many years. Yes, I said I wanted to recover, but I wanted half-assed recovery. I wanted to feel good, be normal, have positive thoughts, etc. but I still wanted to control my food and my body. Thank God I am now living with a much different mindset. I want to remain Ed free forever and I know that means choosing recovery. I believe the more we choose it, the more it will just become life and no longer be recovery.

So, for anyone wondering if people can stop engaging in Ed thoughts and behaviors....YES!!!!!!!

I am greatful for my amazing husband. I adore him!
I am greatful for the time I spent with my niece and nephew yesterday.
I am greatful for God!
I am greatful for the gorgeous day yesterday.
I am greatful for peace.

I pray for those who don't know God and have a relationship with Him to come to know Him.
I pray that God blesses hubby and I with a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful, healthy baby. (soon..he he )
I pray for God to guide us in choosing a president that will show God glory.
I pray for all children who are being mistreate, physically and emotionally. I pray that they see God in others and know His love for them.
I pray for the sick that they will be healed.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Sometimes all I want to do is binge

Ahhhhh! For the past few days...ummm maybe years....all I have wanted to do is binge. I don't know why. I wish I did. But I don't. I eat plenty throuout the day but it doesn't seem to matter. I still want to stuff myself with food. I feel like no one understands. I feel so alone in all of this and I wonder if I'll ever overcome it.

I did hear something yesterday on a Joyce meyers podcast that I liked. She said that we often want to get from where we are to where we want to be without having to go through what we need to go through to get there. I did wonder of that's how I'm feeling about binge eating/being healthy. I have been allowing myself to binge for years. Now, I want to stop bingeing and live without any eating dosoder (note... I don't want to be what many consider 'healthy'... Meaning I don't want to restrict, eat a diet meal plan, eat paleo, eat only superfoods, etc.). I want to eat when I'm hungy, stop when I am full, eat foods I like to eat... Including cupcakes, ice cream, butter, bread, etc. but...I am having a REALLY hard time with the inbetween. I mean, I am having trouble with still having the STRONG urges to binge, but not giving into them. I'll be honest, I have been giving into them a lot. I find that I just can't stop myself from doing it. I constantly think about when I can binge and even if I'm planning not to binge, the minute I see an opportunity to do it, like when hubby is going to be away for the night, I immediately seize the opportunity and binge. I search endlessly for a way to stop, but I can't find the answer. Nothing seems to work. I am so frustrated!