Tuesday, September 18, 2012

More recovery thoughts

Well, once again, I've been spending a lot of time reading and thinking and I want to share some random thought that have come up over the past couple of days.

1. Eds and prolonged attempts at half attempted recovery are an investment in brokenness. They are a constant attempt to fix ourselves. If we believe that our constant job is to fix ourselves, we will keep finding more places to fix.

2. When we no longer believe that engaging in Ed behavior will save us from feeling exhausted or overwhelmed or out of control, or lonely, we will stop. When we believe in God, and in who God says we are as people, more than we believe in Ed, we will stop using Ed as if it were our only way not to fall apart. Now, I think it's important to realize here that, again, we can't simply sit back and wait to feel this way and expect Ed behaviors to just stop. Action comes first. We have to walk in faith of recovery while we learn to stop believing and relying on Ed.

3. To be given wings, we must believe we were put on this earth for more than our endless attempts to maintain a 'perfect body'. We must believe goodness and loveliness are possible.

4. When I have a desire to binge, at that moment I am believing the lie that, 'Food is the only true pleasure in life so I might as well eat.' obviously, this is not true! But, it is a lie I've told myself for years.

5. another lie I've told myself is, 'If I don't control what I eat and how much I workout, I will never be the best that I can be.'

6. Feelings don't destroy us. It's what we tell ourselves about the feelings. It's that we perceive a present-day feeling through historical eyes-eyes of a child.

7. When we have urges to engage in Ed behavior, it is beneficial for us to spend time checking in with ourselves, ask yourself what you are feeling, where is that feeling coming from, what belief do you associate with those feelings? I tried this and here is a belief that comes up A LOT... I believe that if I am pretty enough, thin enough, strong enough- I will be lovable and my husband will never want to look at or be with another woman. I believe that the reason men look at or want women ore than their wives/girlfriends is because they are not enough (yet are too must to handle all at the same time). I learned this as a child. My dad often talked about wanting a prettier woman than my mom... A thinner woman, who wasn't a 'bitch'. As a child, this made me feel scared, fearful of being abandoned, out of control. This is a belief that I carry around and fear daily. And no matter how hard I try to overcome it, I can't.

8. When we are given a meal plan or exercise plan to follow, we believe that if we are faithful to the plan, we will find peace from the relentless self hatred caused by Ed.

9. Engaging in Ed behavior shows that we believe that chaos is imminent and steps need to be taken (engaging in Ed), now to minimize the impact of chaos.

10. We believe that if we limit our body size, we can limit our suffering. If we limit our suffering, we can control our lives. We can make sure bad things don't happen. We can stop chaos.

11. We believe that if less of us shows up, less will get hurt. Upwelling believe that if we cut ourselves off at e knees, we won't have far to fall when someone else brings out a sword. Eating less/exercising more- being thin is equated with being safe.

12. We believe that in life, there is not enough of what we need to go around. We fear we won't get what we need. We react to this belief by depriving ourselves before we can be deprived or storing up before the love/attention runs out.

13. We often use childhood defenses, as adults, to protect ourselves from losses that already happened in our lives. We need to believe that, as adults, we have a plethora of choices and skills to keep us safe... We don't need Ed!

14. When we use defenses (Ed behaviors), that we developed years ago, we freeze ourselves in the past. We lose touch with reality, and we live a lie.

15. For those with Ed, wanting is scary.... To them, wanting means losing control.

16. We need to discover who we are taking ourselves to be. Is it a young child who believes she needs to manage her environment so that everyone will be happy and she will be safe? When we understand that we are taking ourselves to be a child, who no longer exists, we become aware of what does exist. We can start living.

17. Labels- such as anorexic, bulimic, over eater, orthopedic, etc. can become excuses for not taking action... For not recovering... For not truly living life you were destined to live. We start believing e lies... 'I am ridgid about what I eat because I am anorexic and like structure.' 'I binge because I am trying to fill a void.' while these may be true, we cannot let them become excuses for not living.

18. People utterly focused on food and weight never consider that they are ignoring the most obvious solution. We tell ourselves the answer is out there and our job is to keep looking (keep searching for how to be perfect, how to fully recover, how to do it all just right), to never give up until we find a solution. We use the hunt for answers to abdicate personal responsibility-and with it- any semblance of power for our relationship with food and weight.

19. Freedom from Ed does not only come from what you do, living recovery, but it also comes from knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you believe you can't have it.

We'll... Those are all my thoughts for now. What do you think? I would love to hear your insight!

*these thoughts came from 'women, food, and God'

1 comment:

  1. All of these things have been discussed on the forum, from women going through the same struggles as you, Karla. Thought processes and fears overcome by the help of others. I really think it would benefit you SO so soo much to become a part of the board and have such an amazing support group! They truly were the reason I went completely all in and gained what I needed to, in return, getting my cycles back naturally. You are right, your BMI may be 'healthy' but it may not be 'fertile' there is very much a difference there!!