Friday, September 14, 2012

Recovery thoughts

For the past few days, I've spent a lot of time really thinking about Ed and Ed recovery and what it is, exactly, that I want out of life. So many random thoughts are spinning in my head and I need to get them out so, here they are.

1. I am realizing that there are more changes I need to make if I want to have a baby. I make sure that I eat more than enough every day to meet my body's needs and I am proud of that. But, I am realizing, after talking to Mallory! Who has an AMAZING blog
that I may want to try making some more changes to icrease my chances.

2. I still struggle with the desire to binge sometimes. I read this and it was how I've felt, 'The sight of the Hostess Sno Ball turned the world into a riot of colors.' I can remember telling my therapist that binging, for me, was like having my own little party. The same author also said, 'I turned to food for the same reasons that people turn to God: it was my sigh of ecstasy, my transport to heaven, my concrete proof that relief from everyday life was possible.' I feel this is the way it is for many with any kind of Ed. Ed gives us relief from life and we turn to Ed behaviors to experience relief, pleasure, etc.

3. Ed behaviors are used in an attempt to control the world. We believe that because we are x, y, and z, bad thing have happens, are happening, or are going to happen. So, we use Ed to try to stop, prevent, or numb ourselves from those things.

4. When we make the choice to stop engaging in Ed behavior (or just dieting behavior for those who don't suffer from a diagnosed Ed, but who have dieted or over exercise, etc.) it often feels like we are breaking some sacred promise that goes against everything we believe is right. It's like breaking a promise that we feel we are never supposed to break. But, the reality is that we made those promises when we were sick. Ed made those promises! Breaking them is the right thing to do!

5. I believe that in a way, recovery happens when we stop trying to fix ourselves. Now, I don't mean that we shouldn't get professional help, follow advice of doctors and dietitians, or work on therapy. What I mean is, we need to stop fighting with our true selves. I remember in the throws of Ed, I knew I didn't really want to do half the things I as doing. Recovery happens when we stop fighting with that inner part of us, that although it may buried, it is there. We must stop fighting with ourselves, stop blaming ourselves, and start listening to our true selves.

6. As long as we are living in that I between stage of recovery (where we are only doing it half way... Maybe therapy work without weight restoration, maybe diagnosed but still engaging in behaviors...etc.) we have something to strive for, to push towards (recovery). We know we have a purpose. We are someone who is working hard. We don't have to feel lost or hopeless because we have a goal. But, at what cost? It is a false sense of purpose we have created. Again, we are not really living but nearly existing. It's time to fully recover and really live life!

7. In attempting to recover, sometimes we become so obsessed with getting rid of Ed that we lose the pieces of ourselves that can be discovered.what I mean is, we focus so much on researching the best ways to recover, how others recovered, what are the perfect foods to eat while recovering, etc. that we don't take time to listen to our true selves. We become to busy listening to everyone lose. Again, don't let Ed twist what I am saying. Do not confuse listening to your true self for listening to Ed.

8. The relentless attempts we make to become or stay thin or toned or whatever perfection we are trying to obtain, are taking us further and further away from what could actually once and for all end our suffering!

9. Our obsessions with controlling our food and weight are attempts to avoid the absence of love, comfort, knowing what do do, etc.

10. Ending our obsession with food and weight is about the capacity to stay in the present moment.
We must start staying where we are with our feelings or what we are seeing or sensing. When we don't use our obsession to shut ourselves down, to leave our bodies, we will feel alive!

11.Our obsessions with food and weight is a refusal to be fully alive. It's our way of giving up on life without having to say so. We start to believe that it is not possible to live any other way.

12. When we be one obsessed with food and weight, it looks to us and others around us, that our obsession is our only real problem and if we fix that, life will be everything we want it to be. But, this is not our only problem. It's the lies we tell ourselves and believe about ourselves and the world we live in. It's time to speak the truth about who we are and the blessings God wants to give us.

Those are my random thought for now. I will be back soon with more. god has been blessing me with such insight and truth and I am enjoying living that truth! I pray that God is blessing you!

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