Thursday, September 20, 2012

Ed is killing you every time you choose to follow him.

Good morning! It is freezing here in pa! Brrr! Hubby and I like to sleep with the ceiling fan on, because I love snuggling under blankets and hubby acts as a great little heater, but when he leaves for work... Brrrr! I'm not ready for cold weather. I am a total summer girl. I love sweltering heat! :)

So, I am still reading Women, Food, and God, and I am agreeing with so much of what the author is writing. Again, I want to share these thoughts. Then, either today or tomorrow, I want to write about more of my personal thoughts, where I am at, what happening in my life, etc. so, without further ado, here we go. *again, please excuse any and all misspellings. Typing this on the iPad and sometimes I type to fast for it to catch up and it misses letters/words, or it autocorrects and causes it to write what I didn't type. Thanks!

1. We all have a 'voice' inside of us. For those with disordered eating, that is what our voice tends to focus on. It focuses on all of the rules of eating, dieting, working out, etc. When we are still engaged in eating disorder behavior, we are very afraid of the disapproval of the voice a.k.a Ed. We punish ourselves for daring to believe that our lives could be different. We become risk aversive. We become scard to death of change. The voice a.k.a Ed steps in whenever we want to challenge the status quo. Can I get an amen? I find this with myself. When I was young, I was definitely a people pleaser. I wanted to please my parents and while I often thought some of their parenting techniques/ lifestyle choices were off, I was scared to question the status quo....even though I knew the way I was treated was wrong.  I'm not completely sure when or why it happened, but at some point in my life, I went from wanting to please my parents to wanting to please the voice inside of me. I wanted to do everything to please Ed. He gave me a list of rules and regulations and I did everything in my power to follow them. Years later, I am able to recogniz that Ed does not have my best interest in mind either. But, I find hat it is still hard and very scary to change. Whenever I try to take steps to change my life, fully recover, Ed is right there stepping in again. Now, I no longer do exactly what he tells me to do, but he is still there trying to win me back and manipulating my thoughts which at times can cause me to engage in behavior that appears in line with recovery, but is still following Ed. For example, during an appointment with my dietitian, she encouraged me to 'give it up once and for all'. She wants me to gain the remaining weight to get to a bmi that is optimal for conceiving. Immediately, Ed pointed out that I am at a healthy bmi and I eat all the calories I need to maintain my  weight. See, my dietitian was challenging my status quo (which is not allowing hubby and I to concieve despite bing at a 'healthy bmi') and Ed immediately stepped in telling me that I am healthy because a chart says so. Wrong-o Ed. I am not ovulating, despite what the weight chart says. Therefore, this is not a healthy weight for my body!!! Am I afraid of change, you bet I am. I wish I weren't, but I am. I have lived a life of also safety and security for years...years!!! Life has passed me by with me watching from the sidelines, to busy calculating, manipulating, focusing on Ed to live. I agree with the dietitian. It is time to totally let to. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be scared that my life will be worse off, Ed wants me to believe that, bu deep down, I don't believe that's true.

2. Ed's main warning is: don't cross the line, maintain the status quo. Ed usurps your strength, passion, and energy and turns them against you. Ed's intent is to keep you from being thrown out of whatever it perceives to be the circle of love and safety. Again, yes, yes, YES! How many times a day does Ed tell us not to cross the line. Not to follow doctors orders. Not to gain weight. Not to cut back on exercise. Not to challenge him. Not to change. We all have strength, passion, and energy. But, Ed takes all of that and forces us to use it to destroy ourselves and the lives we are meant o be living. I do agree that when we developed Ed, we did so to in some way protect ourselves (unconsciously). That is why Ed continues to try to keep us from being thrown from what we feel is safe. We believe our eds keep us safe from the bad inks in this world. But, it's a false sense of security. For me, my real security comes from God.

3. Ed renders you incapable of contacting your own authority. It treats you like a child in need of a moral compass, but its due north does not include any terrain that is fresh, new and alive. Have you ever felt that, even when Ed is screaming in your ear, you knew what YOU wanted and needed. Do to live a full life? I sure have. But, Ed does indeed tell me that I am incapable of making good decisions. He tells me that my ways are not good for me and will lead to misery. I can't help but think of other bloggers to need to gain weight, but Ed won't let them. They know what is good for them. They know  that full recovery is not possible without weight restoration, but Ed convinces them time and again that they need him to be their guide. Where has Ed lead us though? Has he led us to happiness and fulfillment? No! Ed never leads us to a new, full life, he keeps asking us on the same roads... Death, destruction, depression, loneliness, fear. It's time we become our own authority and use the compass that leads to a full life.

4. Freedom comes when we hear Ed ramble and posture and lecture and we don't believe a word of it. I love this. If we want to be truly free, we must stop believing and acting on what Ed says. So, I can hear Ed tell me, 'youre at a healthy bmi. You don't want to get to where the dietitian wants you to be. That's not the lowest you can be while still being healthy. You will be a failure at healthy living. Your husband surly won't find you attractive. You are so toned now, you don't want to lose all of that. Plus, do you really want a baby? You'll be a horrible mom. You are so messed up. You are selfish. You are a lunatic. You have no friends. You are so ugly. Your getting so old. If you cut back on exercise, you are going to be even more lazy than you already are. Bloggers who are pregnant work out ten times more than you do. You are lazy!' and on and on and on. So, freedom comes when I am able to hear all of this and disengage from Ed. I have access to myself and everything that Ed supposedly offers- clarity, intelligence, true discernment, strength, value, joy, compassion, curiosity, love. Nothing is wrong because there is no perfectly right to which to compare it. When I stop responding to the continual comments, from Ed, about my weight, value, existence... When I no longer believe that anyone, especially Ed, knows what's supposed to be happening, simple facts remain. When I release myself from Ed, I suddenly realize how long I've been mistaking Ed's death grip for my life.

5. Listening to and engaging in the antics of Ed keeps you outside of yourself. It keeps you bound, ashamed, anxious, panicked. No real or lasting change can ever occur as long as you are kneeling at the alter of Ed. How many times have you said that you wanted to change? How many times have you said that you want to recover? I have said these things for the past 14 years! And, yes, I have made significant changes. I am no longer in physical danger, and I haven't been for many, many years. But, I am still controlled by Ed. Is truth sparks to my heart.... I will NEVER be free. I will NEVER experience the real and lasting change a.k.a freedom from Ed UNTIL I stop kneeling at his alter. I will write more soon about how I am no longer kneeling at Ed's alter!

I would love to hear your thought and feelings about this or anything else that's on your mind in the comment section.

1 comment:

  1. Karla,

    Your post was echoing my thoughts and fears from earlier this year. You can beat 'Ed' and you will! You will feel free atlas!