Are you happy? Has anyone ever asked you this? Lately, my hubby has asked me this or said things like, 'I just want to see you happy' a few times. And, it bothers me. I think... I am so happy! Why is he asking me this? Then I start to wonder.... Maybe he's the one that's not happy. I mean how could he be? He's with me. I'm a wreck. I'm so messed up. Blah blah blah!
But, when I take a minute to really think about it, I realizes that when Ed is around... I very well do not appear happy. I am distracted by numbers. I am hungry. I am thinking about when I can eat next. I am thinking about how much I can eat. I am thinking about how I am going to get exactly what I want. I am focused on Ed and nothing else.
When Ed is around, I get defensive. I get angry at anyone who may get in the way of 'our' plan. I get cranky. I get anxious that I may not be able to listen and follow through with Ed's plan, which he at some point convinces me is my plan/desire.
When Ed is around... I love Ed more than anything and anyone else (on some level). I don't want to be intimate...I'm too busy with Ed and Ed totally makes me not be in the mood. I don't want to go out to eat and have a good time... Ed tells me what I can and can't have and often convinces me to listen to him. I want time to pass quickly so I can follow through with whatever it is that Ed's determined we should do.
No wonder my hubby asked me this. The reality is, with Ed... I do not appear happy. I appear distracted, controlled, tormented, standoffish, angry, miserable, cranky, worried, scared, ticked, etc. there have been times that I have just wanted to take a pill and feel better, but I believ (for me) the only way to feel truly happy and fulfilled is to get rid of Ed once And for all. Again, this mean living recovery...not simply thinking about it, reflecting upon it, etc. recovery = action!
As I said before, life will be full of things that make us sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc. We can't stop everything from happening, but we can stop allowing Ed to be present in our lives. We can get rid of Ed and allow more room for true living. Have you ever wondered what life would be like without Ed? I have.
I see life without Ed and I see things I've never seen before/haven't seen in my adult life (since before Ed showed up). I see...
Spontaneous dates with my husband.
An increased sex drive (sorry if this is too much information).
More energy.
Genuine laughter.
A sense of peace.
A closer relationship with God.
Ability to eat out... Whatever I am craving.
Ability to eat intuitively.
Ability to maintain a healthy weight (determined by God who made me... Not Ed).
Me being more confident and outgoing.
Ability to have babies.
Ability to put others before myself.
Feeling of being taken care of - not feeling like I need to be in control.
Self love and acceptance.
Ability to feel loved, rather than feeling like I'm messed up and unloveable.
There are so many other things. Now... How can we think of a life being recovered vs. life with Ed and not see that it's worth it-that we are worth it?
So, I ask you..,. Are you happy? Do you appear happy to others? What do you believe will make you happy? Do you think life will be happier if you recover? Why or why not?.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Crying over food?
Food is food. Food is fuel. Food is nourishment for our bodies. Food is simply food. It has no power. So.... Why do we give it so much power? Why do we let it control our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors?
Story time..... Yesterday I had a bone scan done on my left hip, leg, and foot. I've had throbbing pain for over a month and while it doesn't hurt when moving around it THROBS at rest. Weird! I know! Anyways, after the scan my sil (sister in-law) came over. She wanted to go for a walk, so we headed out. During the walk, I felt like my left leg was going to collapse and it hurt so bad. We ended the walk, came home, had dinner with hubby and headed.to my in-laws to visit.
Here's where it gets interesting... On the way home, I asked hubby if he wanted to stop for ice cream (I had determined hours earlier that I 'deserved' a large blizzard with extra pb cups!). He said no! What?!?! I became very upset. I was mad. I felt deprived. I was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to get that fix... And only a large pb cup blizzard would do! I couldn't figure out how I was going to do it. I conituned to drive home. I came into the house, laid on the bed, and hoped hubby would feel so bad he would go back out with me and get some. It didn't work. He came in our room, laid down, and turned on the game. Now, I became even more mad and it went from, I want the damn ice cream to... You don't even care that I am so sad..... (so sad about icecream?!?!?- I took note that it's not 'normal' to give food so much power to make me so upset.) after laying there a few minutes, I began to cry. I mean SOB. I couldn't control it. Hubby asked why I was crying. I told him because my leg hurt and because he wouldn't go get icecream with me. He pointed out that he said we could stop, but that he didn't want any. I cried harder. I told him that I didn't want to have it without him. Then, I told him i was leaving to go get it by myself (note it was 1030pm at this point). But, I didn't go. Instead I sobbed. I was still so mad. He didn't seem to care how much my leg hurt. He didn't care I wanted ice cream so badly. He didn't care. He was frustrated with the crying over ice cream, so he walked out of the room. This upset me even more. When people walk away, it tells me they don't care about me. I went outside to cry alone. Hubby came out... But not because he cared. He came out because he didn't want the neighbors to see me out there crying. Of course, this made me even more sad and cry even harder. I went in the house, had a snack and went to bed feeling very unloved and very mad. I was feeling like all hubby cared about was how he felt, how he looked (to the neighbors), and what he needed (sleep) because he was on call last night. I wanted him to care about me!!!
Now, I must take time to say that hubby calls me every day on his lunch break, he showers me with words of affirmation, and last night when I was walking with sol, he called and offered to pick up my favorite take out for dinner. So, he is a great man and I love him dearly!
I also was mad at Ed last night. I was mad because he has trained me to use and abuse food, he's trained me to have to have what I want to eat...exactly...and when I want it. He has made me inflexible when it comes to food. And, last night, I saw it play out very clearly. It was okay that I was hungry. It was okay that I wanted a snack. It was okay that I wanted icecream, it was not okay that I would have done pretty much anything to get it. This is something I want to change. I want to be more flexible with food and last night was actually a really great eye opener.
Story time..... Yesterday I had a bone scan done on my left hip, leg, and foot. I've had throbbing pain for over a month and while it doesn't hurt when moving around it THROBS at rest. Weird! I know! Anyways, after the scan my sil (sister in-law) came over. She wanted to go for a walk, so we headed out. During the walk, I felt like my left leg was going to collapse and it hurt so bad. We ended the walk, came home, had dinner with hubby and headed.to my in-laws to visit.
Here's where it gets interesting... On the way home, I asked hubby if he wanted to stop for ice cream (I had determined hours earlier that I 'deserved' a large blizzard with extra pb cups!). He said no! What?!?! I became very upset. I was mad. I felt deprived. I was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to get that fix... And only a large pb cup blizzard would do! I couldn't figure out how I was going to do it. I conituned to drive home. I came into the house, laid on the bed, and hoped hubby would feel so bad he would go back out with me and get some. It didn't work. He came in our room, laid down, and turned on the game. Now, I became even more mad and it went from, I want the damn ice cream to... You don't even care that I am so sad..... (so sad about icecream?!?!?- I took note that it's not 'normal' to give food so much power to make me so upset.) after laying there a few minutes, I began to cry. I mean SOB. I couldn't control it. Hubby asked why I was crying. I told him because my leg hurt and because he wouldn't go get icecream with me. He pointed out that he said we could stop, but that he didn't want any. I cried harder. I told him that I didn't want to have it without him. Then, I told him i was leaving to go get it by myself (note it was 1030pm at this point). But, I didn't go. Instead I sobbed. I was still so mad. He didn't seem to care how much my leg hurt. He didn't care I wanted ice cream so badly. He didn't care. He was frustrated with the crying over ice cream, so he walked out of the room. This upset me even more. When people walk away, it tells me they don't care about me. I went outside to cry alone. Hubby came out... But not because he cared. He came out because he didn't want the neighbors to see me out there crying. Of course, this made me even more sad and cry even harder. I went in the house, had a snack and went to bed feeling very unloved and very mad. I was feeling like all hubby cared about was how he felt, how he looked (to the neighbors), and what he needed (sleep) because he was on call last night. I wanted him to care about me!!!
Now, I must take time to say that hubby calls me every day on his lunch break, he showers me with words of affirmation, and last night when I was walking with sol, he called and offered to pick up my favorite take out for dinner. So, he is a great man and I love him dearly!
I also was mad at Ed last night. I was mad because he has trained me to use and abuse food, he's trained me to have to have what I want to eat...exactly...and when I want it. He has made me inflexible when it comes to food. And, last night, I saw it play out very clearly. It was okay that I was hungry. It was okay that I wanted a snack. It was okay that I wanted icecream, it was not okay that I would have done pretty much anything to get it. This is something I want to change. I want to be more flexible with food and last night was actually a really great eye opener.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Why is it so hard to let go?
Have you ever asked yourself why it is hard to let go of something that you know isn't good for you and that you know has prevented you from living fully? Today, I am asking myself that question. Last night, I was thinking about how for 14years, I have lived in the hell of eating disorders. I lost all of my 20s to the stupid Ed. That's so sad to me. I was thinking about how I don't want to lose all of my 30s. Heck, I don't want to lose even one more day to Ed. So, if I want to live fully, if I want to be Ed free... Then why is it so hard to let go of the behaviors?
For me, change is scary- at least most change. When something changes, I feel anxiety. I play the famous what if game. When stopping Ed behaviors, when changing my life, I am making a commitment to leave what I have known and done for years and years. I am making the choice to leave the known for the unknown and that is terrifying! Ed offers so much comfort.... Despite the hell, there is comfort. It's predictable. I know what I'm doing or not doing every single day. While its a living hell, Ed is more comfortable than recovery. Recovery makes me fear losing what little control Ed offers me. I feel it's impossible to control the unknown, hence why it's so hard to let go. So what's the answer?
I must surrender my fears. To do this, even though it's not easy to let go of Ed behaviors and thoughts, it is what I need to do. It is necessary to let go in order to achieve change.... And change is necessary to achieve recovery. I cannot recover without changing. It's like the saying goes... 'if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!' if I continue to engage in Ed thoughts/behaviors, I will continue to have an Ed. In surrendering my fears, I must be willing to let go of the comfort of Ed, let go of the behaviors I engage in, so that I can create the life God intends for me to have.... A life that is full of life, peace, joy, and true, genuine happiness!
How do we get out? We must remember that the only way out of it is to go through it. I must go through my fear. I must live recovery inspire of my fears. It is okay to have fear. It is okay to recognize my fears for what they are, but then..... I must live recovery despite my fears! As Eleanor Roosevelt said, 'You must do the thing you think you cannot do.' and, each time we do things that are inline with recovery, we make it easier to do it the next time. As I've said before, we can't wait until we feel like doing them, it is by doing the right thing over and over again that we will begin to want to do them. We must live recovery before the Ed thoughts, desires, and behaviors will go away!
Today, I challenge you to do the things you think you cannot do.... Live recovery! What are some things you think you cannot do? Here is a list that may help you....
Follow your meal plan.
Keep your meals down.
Treat your body with love.
Nourish you body and mind.
Take a rest day.
Eat intuitively.
Avoid calorie counting.
Avoid binge eating.
Use positive affirmations.
Ask God for help. He loves you and will help you!
Get adequate sleep.
Stay hydrated.
Throw away diet pills/laxatives.
Ask for help.
Commit to recovery.
Adress to go into treatment.
Tell someone you trust about your Ed.
Email a friend... Or me...I'm always willing to listen!
Be your own best friend.
Go out with friends.
Take a risk.
For me, change is scary- at least most change. When something changes, I feel anxiety. I play the famous what if game. When stopping Ed behaviors, when changing my life, I am making a commitment to leave what I have known and done for years and years. I am making the choice to leave the known for the unknown and that is terrifying! Ed offers so much comfort.... Despite the hell, there is comfort. It's predictable. I know what I'm doing or not doing every single day. While its a living hell, Ed is more comfortable than recovery. Recovery makes me fear losing what little control Ed offers me. I feel it's impossible to control the unknown, hence why it's so hard to let go. So what's the answer?
I must surrender my fears. To do this, even though it's not easy to let go of Ed behaviors and thoughts, it is what I need to do. It is necessary to let go in order to achieve change.... And change is necessary to achieve recovery. I cannot recover without changing. It's like the saying goes... 'if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!' if I continue to engage in Ed thoughts/behaviors, I will continue to have an Ed. In surrendering my fears, I must be willing to let go of the comfort of Ed, let go of the behaviors I engage in, so that I can create the life God intends for me to have.... A life that is full of life, peace, joy, and true, genuine happiness!
How do we get out? We must remember that the only way out of it is to go through it. I must go through my fear. I must live recovery inspire of my fears. It is okay to have fear. It is okay to recognize my fears for what they are, but then..... I must live recovery despite my fears! As Eleanor Roosevelt said, 'You must do the thing you think you cannot do.' and, each time we do things that are inline with recovery, we make it easier to do it the next time. As I've said before, we can't wait until we feel like doing them, it is by doing the right thing over and over again that we will begin to want to do them. We must live recovery before the Ed thoughts, desires, and behaviors will go away!
Today, I challenge you to do the things you think you cannot do.... Live recovery! What are some things you think you cannot do? Here is a list that may help you....
Follow your meal plan.
Keep your meals down.
Treat your body with love.
Nourish you body and mind.
Take a rest day.
Eat intuitively.
Avoid calorie counting.
Avoid binge eating.
Use positive affirmations.
Ask God for help. He loves you and will help you!
Get adequate sleep.
Stay hydrated.
Throw away diet pills/laxatives.
Ask for help.
Commit to recovery.
Adress to go into treatment.
Tell someone you trust about your Ed.
Email a friend... Or me...I'm always willing to listen!
Be your own best friend.
Go out with friends.
Take a risk.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Don't want to die
I don't want to sound morbid....because really I'm not. But, today I started thinking... What of you found out you were dying? How would you feel? I started thinking about how I would feel.
I would feel like I didn't have enough time with loved ones.
I would feel sad because I wasted so many years living an eating disordered life.
I would feel mad at myself for not fully living when I had the chance to do so.
I would feel like I missed out on so much.
I would want more time to fully live life.
Here is the reality.... From the moment we are born, we are dying. We don't know how much time we will have here on earth before God calls us home. I don't want to feel, like I have described above, when God does call me home.
How many times have I missed out on spending time with loved ones because Ed convinced me it was best for me? Way too many!
How many years have I wasted living with Ed? Too many!
Recovery means giving up the comfort of Ed, but it means truly living the life we have all been given.
Sometimes we may feel that we don't want to live, but I challenge you to really think about when you have those feelings. I have had feelings that the world would be better without me. I have felt like life is just too hard for me to go on. I have felt depressed, anxious, terrified...but life is worth living. We are loved, we can handle life, we can overcome depression and find joy. god promises us that. It is time to claim that promise and live life fully.
Now is where I'm going to share some heavy things. Feel free to stop reading. This is simply something I've got to get out.
As I sit here, alone on our deck, trying to think of what to write, I can hardly see the keys to type. My eyes are full of tears. I know this is going to be jumbled, but that's okay as long as I get it out.
If you ask me what the worst day of my life was, you may expect me to say something related to Ed. True that everyday with Ed has been hell. But, the worst day of my life was September 25, 2009. That is the day I lost my brother. Nearly 3 years later, it feels like that day never happened, but at the same time, the memories...all the horrific memeries of that day came flashing back and they are so vivid that it feels like its happening all over again.
On September 25, 2009, my brother at the age of 24 decided to believe the lies of Satan. He believed Satan over God. He believed that life wasn't worth living. He believed life would never get any better. He believed he would never be happy again. He believed he was unlovable. He believed life was too much for him to handle. So, he made the choice to end his own life. On September 25, 2009, my brother took his own life. And, despite my very best efforts, there was nothing I could do to stop him. I tried so hard. I knew the truth. I knew what an amazing man he was. I knew that his life could get better. I knew he would find love again. I knew he would meet someone who deserved to be with someone so loving, so hard working, so fun, so good with kids, so always willing to put everyone ahead of himself, so full of love. I knew Godloved my brother and wanted him to turn away from Satans lies that were tormenting him and turn to God. But, he didn't. He believed Satan and the devil killed him. Despite whatever others may believe, I believe that God knew my brothers heart. My brother was not a follower of God, but I believe he wanted to be. He knew who God was and believed in God, but he didn't know God as his ever-present friend. I believe that today, my brother is in God's presence. I believe that he's happier than he has ever been, but I also believe it was not Gods will for my brother to die that morning. I believe God wanted him here. I believe God wanted him to get to know him here, while enjoying a full life with loved ones. I believe he wanted him to be here the day I got engaged. I believe god wanted him standing on the alter with my hubby and I the day we got married. I believe God wanted him here for my dad, my other brother, my mom, my sister, and I. I believe God wanted him here to enjoy life with his adorable niece and nephew. I believe God had so many wonderful plans for my brother.
As I write this, I can't help but see the parallel between committing suicide and living with an eating disorder. They both kill you. Even living in half recovery and half Ed is still killing you, because you arent really living life fully. Just like God had more planned for my brothers life, he has more planned for mine. he has so much more than Ed behaviors and feelings of depression. He offers so much. It's time to do what I wish my brother would have done. It's time to turn from Ed, Satan, and turn to God!
I would feel like I didn't have enough time with loved ones.
I would feel sad because I wasted so many years living an eating disordered life.
I would feel mad at myself for not fully living when I had the chance to do so.
I would feel like I missed out on so much.
I would want more time to fully live life.
Here is the reality.... From the moment we are born, we are dying. We don't know how much time we will have here on earth before God calls us home. I don't want to feel, like I have described above, when God does call me home.
How many times have I missed out on spending time with loved ones because Ed convinced me it was best for me? Way too many!
How many years have I wasted living with Ed? Too many!
Recovery means giving up the comfort of Ed, but it means truly living the life we have all been given.
Sometimes we may feel that we don't want to live, but I challenge you to really think about when you have those feelings. I have had feelings that the world would be better without me. I have felt like life is just too hard for me to go on. I have felt depressed, anxious, terrified...but life is worth living. We are loved, we can handle life, we can overcome depression and find joy. god promises us that. It is time to claim that promise and live life fully.
Now is where I'm going to share some heavy things. Feel free to stop reading. This is simply something I've got to get out.
As I sit here, alone on our deck, trying to think of what to write, I can hardly see the keys to type. My eyes are full of tears. I know this is going to be jumbled, but that's okay as long as I get it out.
If you ask me what the worst day of my life was, you may expect me to say something related to Ed. True that everyday with Ed has been hell. But, the worst day of my life was September 25, 2009. That is the day I lost my brother. Nearly 3 years later, it feels like that day never happened, but at the same time, the memories...all the horrific memeries of that day came flashing back and they are so vivid that it feels like its happening all over again.
On September 25, 2009, my brother at the age of 24 decided to believe the lies of Satan. He believed Satan over God. He believed that life wasn't worth living. He believed life would never get any better. He believed he would never be happy again. He believed he was unlovable. He believed life was too much for him to handle. So, he made the choice to end his own life. On September 25, 2009, my brother took his own life. And, despite my very best efforts, there was nothing I could do to stop him. I tried so hard. I knew the truth. I knew what an amazing man he was. I knew that his life could get better. I knew he would find love again. I knew he would meet someone who deserved to be with someone so loving, so hard working, so fun, so good with kids, so always willing to put everyone ahead of himself, so full of love. I knew Godloved my brother and wanted him to turn away from Satans lies that were tormenting him and turn to God. But, he didn't. He believed Satan and the devil killed him. Despite whatever others may believe, I believe that God knew my brothers heart. My brother was not a follower of God, but I believe he wanted to be. He knew who God was and believed in God, but he didn't know God as his ever-present friend. I believe that today, my brother is in God's presence. I believe that he's happier than he has ever been, but I also believe it was not Gods will for my brother to die that morning. I believe God wanted him here. I believe God wanted him to get to know him here, while enjoying a full life with loved ones. I believe he wanted him to be here the day I got engaged. I believe god wanted him standing on the alter with my hubby and I the day we got married. I believe God wanted him here for my dad, my other brother, my mom, my sister, and I. I believe God wanted him here to enjoy life with his adorable niece and nephew. I believe God had so many wonderful plans for my brother.
As I write this, I can't help but see the parallel between committing suicide and living with an eating disorder. They both kill you. Even living in half recovery and half Ed is still killing you, because you arent really living life fully. Just like God had more planned for my brothers life, he has more planned for mine. he has so much more than Ed behaviors and feelings of depression. He offers so much. It's time to do what I wish my brother would have done. It's time to turn from Ed, Satan, and turn to God!
Friday, August 17, 2012
The hard part of recovery
I don't know about you, but the numerous times I've decided I wanted to live a life of recovery, it was kind of easy for the first few days. It was like I was on a little recovery high. I felt good, I had more energy, I was excited about all the new possibilities recovery would bring. It was great. That happened this time too.
But, now I sit here and I feel like I am at a crossroad. Part of me wants to say screw it. This is too hard. This is too time consuming. I have less energy now than I did before. I feel bummed...I though recovery would make me feel great. I am not seeing benefits of recovery. Yadda yadda yadda!
Writing that out... Getting those thought out of my head helps. I can see that those thoughts are more than likely coming from Ed...who does not want me living in recovery at all. It is true that's how I am feeling rig now, but I know that I must persevere. I must choose to continue to live in recovery.
I went to an appointment with my dietitian yesterday. I started seeing her about 3 months ago because my hubby and I were about to start trying to concieve and I wanted to have a professionals advice (not Ed's) on what I would need to a healthy pregnancy. Well, we are still trying to concieve, but I found out from my gyno that even though I get a normal period every month, I am not ovulating. (side note.... Don't let Ed convince you that if you get a period you are at a healthy weight. Sure your bmi may be 'okay' but you still may not be at a healthy weight for ovulation to occur!) sooo.. Once I discovered this, my dietitian reccommended that I gain some more weight (despite being at a healthy bmi according to the charts).
I am going to be honest, I am scared! I like the way my body looks now and I am scared to gain the weight. At the same time, deep down, I really believe the lack of ovulation is do to maintains this weight, that is too low for me. This frustrates me because others work out way more than me, eat less than me, weigh way less than me and have lots of babies. Iso, I feel like I have a choice to make... Stay the way I am and risk fertility or change and possibly increase my fertility. Most would think this is an easy choice, but for someone with an Ed, it's a hard choice. Like I said, I like my body the way it is. I feel I've worked hard to get this body and gaining more weight, decreasing exercise even more makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.
I am so frustrated I could cry! I know it is Ed that is making me want to hang on to what I imagine to be my idealistic body and weight. He wants me to stay the way I am. He views listening to the doctors as failure Nd of course, he never thinks about future consequences. But, how am I going to feel in 10 years when I am past the point of being able to have kids (I am 32 now) and I think about how Ed could have been the one who prevented that from happening.
I just had a realization....Ed always makes me feel like I can recover later. Ed makes me believe that there will always be time later in life and that right now the only thing I need to do is listen to him and obey him. As I wrote my age, It hit me hard that I have lived obeying Ed for the past 14 years! But, it feels like I was just diagnosed with an Ed yesterday. Sure, I am a loooooooong way from where I was when I was diagnosed. I am sooooo much healthier physically and mentally. But, I am still letting Ed dictate my life. I am still letting him control my life and prevent me from being fully alive.
I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him show me all of the things he had planned for my life that I missed out on. More importantly, I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him tell me that I do not know him. When I choose to obey Ed, I am choosing the devil over Jesus. It is a great sin. I need Gods strength to overcome Ed. I know he offers it to me. I need to grab ahold of it.
Have you ought about you fertility?
Does Ed tell you that there will be time to recover later?
Have you ever felt you had to choose between being healthy and being the size/weight you felt you wanted to be?
Any advice for me or others struggling?
But, now I sit here and I feel like I am at a crossroad. Part of me wants to say screw it. This is too hard. This is too time consuming. I have less energy now than I did before. I feel bummed...I though recovery would make me feel great. I am not seeing benefits of recovery. Yadda yadda yadda!
Writing that out... Getting those thought out of my head helps. I can see that those thoughts are more than likely coming from Ed...who does not want me living in recovery at all. It is true that's how I am feeling rig now, but I know that I must persevere. I must choose to continue to live in recovery.
I went to an appointment with my dietitian yesterday. I started seeing her about 3 months ago because my hubby and I were about to start trying to concieve and I wanted to have a professionals advice (not Ed's) on what I would need to a healthy pregnancy. Well, we are still trying to concieve, but I found out from my gyno that even though I get a normal period every month, I am not ovulating. (side note.... Don't let Ed convince you that if you get a period you are at a healthy weight. Sure your bmi may be 'okay' but you still may not be at a healthy weight for ovulation to occur!) sooo.. Once I discovered this, my dietitian reccommended that I gain some more weight (despite being at a healthy bmi according to the charts).
I am going to be honest, I am scared! I like the way my body looks now and I am scared to gain the weight. At the same time, deep down, I really believe the lack of ovulation is do to maintains this weight, that is too low for me. This frustrates me because others work out way more than me, eat less than me, weigh way less than me and have lots of babies. Iso, I feel like I have a choice to make... Stay the way I am and risk fertility or change and possibly increase my fertility. Most would think this is an easy choice, but for someone with an Ed, it's a hard choice. Like I said, I like my body the way it is. I feel I've worked hard to get this body and gaining more weight, decreasing exercise even more makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.
I am so frustrated I could cry! I know it is Ed that is making me want to hang on to what I imagine to be my idealistic body and weight. He wants me to stay the way I am. He views listening to the doctors as failure Nd of course, he never thinks about future consequences. But, how am I going to feel in 10 years when I am past the point of being able to have kids (I am 32 now) and I think about how Ed could have been the one who prevented that from happening.
I just had a realization....Ed always makes me feel like I can recover later. Ed makes me believe that there will always be time later in life and that right now the only thing I need to do is listen to him and obey him. As I wrote my age, It hit me hard that I have lived obeying Ed for the past 14 years! But, it feels like I was just diagnosed with an Ed yesterday. Sure, I am a loooooooong way from where I was when I was diagnosed. I am sooooo much healthier physically and mentally. But, I am still letting Ed dictate my life. I am still letting him control my life and prevent me from being fully alive.
I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him show me all of the things he had planned for my life that I missed out on. More importantly, I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him tell me that I do not know him. When I choose to obey Ed, I am choosing the devil over Jesus. It is a great sin. I need Gods strength to overcome Ed. I know he offers it to me. I need to grab ahold of it.
Have you ought about you fertility?
Does Ed tell you that there will be time to recover later?
Have you ever felt you had to choose between being healthy and being the size/weight you felt you wanted to be?
Any advice for me or others struggling?
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Therapy homework
Two weeks ago, my therapist gave me a homework assignment. I was to write down all the 'secondary gains' I get from Ed. Then, on another piece of paper, I was to write down the negative consequences of Ed. This week, my therapist gave me the assignment of disproving the secondary gains. She wants me to take time to look at each gain. Then, I am to write about thoughts/situations that disprove the gain. Soooo... Here I go....
Secondary gain #1: Ed makes me feel like I am in control.
DISPROVED: earlier this summer, when I went to my in-law's house for dinner, Ed would not allow me to fully participate in the celebration. He was busy making sure that I saved enough calories to binge later that night. So, I restricted and as a result my husband was very upset. It turned into an argument and I was left feeling lonely, sad, and very angry that once again Ed ruined what was suppose to be a fun night with my husband.
DISPROVED: Again earlier this summer, my husband and I had a fun day together. During the day, Ed had convinced me to restrict to save calories for a binge. He was convincing and nothing sounded better than a binge, so I agreed with him and made the choice that I was going to obey him. It was time to cook dinner, my hubby was going to grill. When I got out what I was having for dinner, he asked if I was going to have anything else. I immediately became defensive, because he was challenging me (well really he was challenging Ed, but I felt like he was treating me like I couldn't make a decision). I angerly said, nope this is it. He got mad and went out to grill. I went upstairs and sobbed and sobbed. He came in to comfort me and I told him I was trying to be well (but really, I wasn't. In my mind I wanted to Newell, but I wasn't putting any action/effort into recovery. I was still doing what Ed told me to do). Hubby grilled, and I ate the restricted meal. Then, I let myself binge later... Like I had planned. Of course, I vowed it would be the last time because I hated how I once again felt lonely, sad, angry, and sick of Ed.
DISPROVED: despite knowing what I need to do to stay in recovery, I made the choice to listen to and follow Ed again this past Sunday. I restrcited while the husband golfed and allowed myself to binge.
*****ed does NOT make me feel like I am in control. In fact, Ed is the only one who is in control when I engage in eating disorder behaviors. When I engage in eating disorder behaviors, I put Ed and what Ed wants above everything and everyone in my life, including myself. Sure, I make the choice to binge, but is it really what I want to do. To be honest, sometimes it feels like it is. But, its got to be Ed that really wants to do it. I want to be free!
Secondary gain #2: Ed gives me a body that I love.
DISPROVED: In 2 weeks, I am going back to the gyno to talk about the next step in my infertility problems. This is not healthy, and I believe deep down that Ed is responsible for my infertility issues. Ed tries to convince me that he has nothing to do with it, because I am at a healthy weight and I get my period every month. But, to be honest, deep down, I believe that Ed is the reason that I am not ovulating/ovulating so late in my cycle/have Luteal phase defect.
DISPROVED: My mind and my spirit are part of my body. I feel depressed a lot of the time because of Ed. I don't feel like I experience joy and happiness, during some of these very happy times in my life because Ed takes away my emotions...including joy and happiness. He also takes away my happy spirit and dulls my relationship with God. When I let Ed be in control, he makes me focus solely on him and food and I miss out on the good things in my life.
*****ed tries to convince me that I have the body that many people long for, but that is not true....at least it's not entirely true. Sure, there are some people that would look at me and wish they had certain parts of my body, but would they want to go through the torture of Ed to have it? Never! They wouldn't. The wouldn't want to be controlled by Ed...forced to restrict...binge....exercise...criticize themselves...count calories...be tormented with Ed thoughts throughout the day. The truth is, I want to be happy with my mind, body, soul, and spirit and that is impossible with Ed. With recovery, my body will change (and I am having trouble accepting that right now) but more importantly, with recovery my mind, spirit and soul will change. I truly believe I will be happier and more fulfilled that I have ever been in my life.
Secondary gain #3: Ed gives me safety and sucurity.
DISPROVED: I remember one day while I was restricting so that I could binge, I was so light headed and dizzy. I was scared. I started to panic. I felt so sick. I became sweaty and shaky. Of course, Ed told me that nothing bad would happen because i was at a healthy weight and in no danger. But I was scared.
DISPROVED: I have feared losing my husband. I have feared that he would get sick and tired of having a wife who was not fully there, participating in life and would realize he deserves/wants a life partner to live life with, who is not simply existing while he lives.
*****i am not safe when I obey Ed. In fact, Ed jeopardizes my safety. He risks my health, happiness, and well-being. God is the only one who can protect me. God is the only one who can fully be in control and provide me with the safety and security I long for. And, yes, bad things will happen, but when they do, I know (from past experiences) that God will never leave nor forsake me. He will comfort me and provide me with other people in my life to show me his love as well.
Secondary gain #4: Ed gives me something to focus on, something I am interested in, something I am passionate about.
DISPROVED: sometimes whe my husband is talking to me, I can't focus on what he is saying. I am too busy listening to Ed, thinking about when/what I am going to eat next, planning my next binge, etc. when I engage in Ed behavior, I have trouble focusing on anything except Ed related things.
DISPROVED: I have spent so many years listening to and obeying Ed, that I no longer know what I am interested in/passionate about. Ed placed all my time and focus on food and I have missed out on so many wonderful things life has to offer.
*****the reason I don't feel that I have interests, focus, and passion are because so much time has been devoted to Ed. When I am in recovery, I am able to peruse and discover my focus, passion, interests. Like a baby discovering life, I will take time to learn my likes and dislikes. I will take time explore, try new things. Over time, I will discover what I enjoy, what I am passionate about, and I will have a better focus. In recovery, I am also about to focus on other people....not just myself and Ed. I am able to participate in conversations with my husband which strengthens our marriage!
Secondary gain #5: Ed makes me special/unique.
DISPROVED: millions...maybe billions of people suffer from eating disorders.
DISPROVED: when people list qualities they admire in someone 'special' in their lives, no one lists characteristics of someone who engages in Ed behaviors... A liar, someone who is deceitful. Someone who is self-centered, someone obsessed with his/her body, someone who refuses to take care of themselves, a binger, a purger, a restricter, an over exerciser, etc.
*****yes, I am the only one in my family and friends with an Ed. But, I am not the only person in the work. When I engage in Ed behaviors, I do not exhibit the characteristic of someone who is 'special'. I exhibit horrible characteristics. I possess Ed characteristics. I lie, am deceitful, I act as though I care on,y about myself, I don't take care of my health, etc. to me, being a special means not being like the work, but being more and more like Jesus. Valuing the things of God. That is what I truly want.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Temptation
I feel like this is such a taboo topic to write about.... Bingeing. Ahhh.... I cringe just writing that, but I cringe for reasons most people don't. I've googled binge eating more times than I can count, searching to see if someone... Anyone.... Felt the same way I did about binge eating. I found that most people loath bingeing. They despise it. Sure, they do it... But they hate doing it. That is not how I felt. Rather, I greatly enjoyed binge eating. I loved how it made me feel. It was like my own little party every night. I relished in all my favorite foods and I longed for that overly full feeling. Now, there was a part of me that wanted to stop, but not because I didn't like to binge, but because I knew it wasn't right. I knew it wasn't healthy for me to do it. I have spent years waiting for the urges to go away, so that I wouldn't want to binge anymore.... But they haven't fully left me alone. In fact, at the very end of last week, my hubby was invited to golf with my dad and brother. I knew I'd be alone all morning and into the afternoon. Immediately, Ed reminded me that this would be a prefect day to binge....and I listened to him. I planned a binge days in advance. I planned what I would have, where I would get it and when I would do it. And.... I did it. Yesterday I listened to Ed and I binged. Why? Because Ed convinced me that I wanted to, that I would still like it, and like always he convinced me that I needed to do it just one more time. Isn't that one of Ed's most famous lines, 'just one more time!'
Well. After the binge, I didn't feel the way I use to. I didn't feel happy and content. I didn't feel on a high. In fact, I felt pretty 'normal'. It's hard to describe. Of course, soon after Ed was already chirping in my ear to plan another binge. He was saying....
Ed: hmmm... You didn't take enough time to really enjoy that binge. Plan just one more so you can REALLY enjoy it this time.
Me: Ed, you do this every time. You try to convince me that I need to binge one more time. It has never been, nor will it ever be enough for you.
Ed: well, you are the one who was too busy watching tv and thinking to enjoy all that amazing food. Just really take time to focus on the amazingness of the food this time and then you won't want to do it again. You just need one finally, really good hooray!
Me: Ed, you will always find a reason for me to binge. You are the one who likes to binge. You like it because it keeps you in charge of my life. I won't binge!
Ed: but hubby is working this Saturday, so it's the perfect time to do it again. In fact, you can do it many times this week and then you can go back to this recovery thing after. You'll crave recovery after you devote a week or so to all your past favorite binges.
Me: Ed, i know that in the past you've convinced me to seek opportunities to binge. I know I can binge a lot this week, but I won't! I am in recovery. I won't listen to you this time. I will make plans when hubby is working. I will make plans to take care of myself. You try to destroy me and I am finished listening to you.
While it sometimes feels weird to write it out, it helps to distinguish Ed from myself through dialogue. We must remember that Ed is not us. Ed is not our friend. In fact, ed is our greatest enemy. I truly believe Ed is Satan, working to keep us in the hell of disordered eating. I once heard a sermon in which he'll was defined and the definition was being completely alone. I don't know about you, but when I engage in Ed behaviors, I am completely alone... It's just me and Ed (Satan). Not because family, friends, my hubby, and of course God aren't there for me, but rather because when I engage in Ed behaviors, I shut them out. I focus only on myself and Ed. I am done living in hell. I recognize that I fell back into Ed's lies yesterday. I believed that liar. But, I was immediately able to recognize what happened and I am even more committed to recovery. I refuse to live a life in hell any longer. Today, right now, I am committing to living in recovery each day.I know a lot of people believe that recovery is full of slips and relapses, but to be honest, I believe that is yet another one of Ed's clever tactics he uses to get us to engage in Ed behavior. I mean, if we are all destined to slip/relapse because that is 'part of recovery' then wouldn't we all just give in/allow ourselves to engage in Ed behaivior when we are tempted to do so? Yesterday, I made the choice to binge. I made the choice to not live in recovery. I made the choice to believe Ed and follow his directives. His offer was so tempting and I wanted to do it. I need to remember his lies always lead to my 'death' . So, this makes it even more clear to me that every day, I must make the choice...l Ed or recovery. There really are only two choices and I really must decide throughout each and every day. So, what will I do when Ed tries to tempt me again....because he will.... I will.... refuse to live a life of slips and relapses. I am commiting to live a life of freedom and victory.... A life here present on earth, not hell.
So... Whenever Ed comes at me with temptation to engage in Ed behaviors I will live this truth....
All of you must keep awake (give strict attention, be cautious and active) and watch and pray, that you may not come into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Matthew 26: 41
Well. After the binge, I didn't feel the way I use to. I didn't feel happy and content. I didn't feel on a high. In fact, I felt pretty 'normal'. It's hard to describe. Of course, soon after Ed was already chirping in my ear to plan another binge. He was saying....
Ed: hmmm... You didn't take enough time to really enjoy that binge. Plan just one more so you can REALLY enjoy it this time.
Me: Ed, you do this every time. You try to convince me that I need to binge one more time. It has never been, nor will it ever be enough for you.
Ed: well, you are the one who was too busy watching tv and thinking to enjoy all that amazing food. Just really take time to focus on the amazingness of the food this time and then you won't want to do it again. You just need one finally, really good hooray!
Me: Ed, you will always find a reason for me to binge. You are the one who likes to binge. You like it because it keeps you in charge of my life. I won't binge!
Ed: but hubby is working this Saturday, so it's the perfect time to do it again. In fact, you can do it many times this week and then you can go back to this recovery thing after. You'll crave recovery after you devote a week or so to all your past favorite binges.
Me: Ed, i know that in the past you've convinced me to seek opportunities to binge. I know I can binge a lot this week, but I won't! I am in recovery. I won't listen to you this time. I will make plans when hubby is working. I will make plans to take care of myself. You try to destroy me and I am finished listening to you.
While it sometimes feels weird to write it out, it helps to distinguish Ed from myself through dialogue. We must remember that Ed is not us. Ed is not our friend. In fact, ed is our greatest enemy. I truly believe Ed is Satan, working to keep us in the hell of disordered eating. I once heard a sermon in which he'll was defined and the definition was being completely alone. I don't know about you, but when I engage in Ed behaviors, I am completely alone... It's just me and Ed (Satan). Not because family, friends, my hubby, and of course God aren't there for me, but rather because when I engage in Ed behaviors, I shut them out. I focus only on myself and Ed. I am done living in hell. I recognize that I fell back into Ed's lies yesterday. I believed that liar. But, I was immediately able to recognize what happened and I am even more committed to recovery. I refuse to live a life in hell any longer. Today, right now, I am committing to living in recovery each day.I know a lot of people believe that recovery is full of slips and relapses, but to be honest, I believe that is yet another one of Ed's clever tactics he uses to get us to engage in Ed behavior. I mean, if we are all destined to slip/relapse because that is 'part of recovery' then wouldn't we all just give in/allow ourselves to engage in Ed behaivior when we are tempted to do so? Yesterday, I made the choice to binge. I made the choice to not live in recovery. I made the choice to believe Ed and follow his directives. His offer was so tempting and I wanted to do it. I need to remember his lies always lead to my 'death' . So, this makes it even more clear to me that every day, I must make the choice...l Ed or recovery. There really are only two choices and I really must decide throughout each and every day. So, what will I do when Ed tries to tempt me again....because he will.... I will.... refuse to live a life of slips and relapses. I am commiting to live a life of freedom and victory.... A life here present on earth, not hell.
So... Whenever Ed comes at me with temptation to engage in Ed behaviors I will live this truth....
All of you must keep awake (give strict attention, be cautious and active) and watch and pray, that you may not come into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. Matthew 26: 41
For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin), [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.
1 Corinthians 10: 13
1 Corinthians 10: 13
But those who crave to be rich fall into temptation and a snare and into many foolish (useless, godless) and hurtful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction and miserable perishing. 1 Timothy 6: 9
And lead (bring) us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen. Matthew 6: 13
And those upon the rock [are the people] who, when they hear [the Word], receive and welcome it with joy; but these have no root. They believe for a while, and in time of trial and temptation fall away (withdraw and stand aloof). Luke 8: 13
Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him. James 1: 12
Now if [all these things are true, then be sure] the Lord knows how to rescue the godly out of temptations and trials, and how to keep the ungodly under chastisement until the day of judgment and doom. 2 Peter 2: 9
Because you have guarded and kept My word of patient endurance [have held fast the lesson of My patience with the expectant endurance that I give you], I also will keep you [safe] from the hour of trial (testing) which is coming on the whole world to try those who dwell upon the earth.
Revelation 3: 10
Revelation 3: 10
That is the reason that, when I could bear [the suspense] no longer, I sent that I might learn [how you were standing the strain, and the endurance of] your faith, [for I was fearful] lest somehow the tempter had tempted you and our toil [among you should prove to] be fruitless and to no purpose.
1 Thessalonians 3: 5
1 Thessalonians 3: 5
And the tempter came and said to Him, If You are God's Son, command these stones to be made [loaves of] bread. Matthew 4: 3
Let no one say when he is tempted, I am tempted from God; for God is incapable of being tempted by [what is] evil and He Himself tempts no one. James 1: 13
[You should] be exceedingly glad on this account, though now for a little while you may be distressed by trials and suffer temptations. 1 Peter 1: 6
For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning. Hebrews 4: 15
But because of the temptation to impurity and to avoid immorality, let each [man] have his own wife and let each [woman] have her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7: 2
And when the devil had ended every [the complete cycle of] temptation, he [temporarily] left Him [that is, stood off from Him] until another more opportune and favorable time. Luke 4: 13
Woe to the world for such temptations to sin and influences to do wrong! It is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the person on whose account or by whom the temptation comes!Matthew 18: 7
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