Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Is there an end? All I want to do is binge!
Sunday was a really bad day. I literally wanted to end my life. I sobbed for hours uncontrollably. I talked to my hubby for hours and finally I felt better. Monday,I had new resolve. I again wanted to stop eating in disordered ways. But, Today, I was back to saving calories so that I could eat all the junk food I wanted. So, for breakfast I had a bagel, cream cheese, cottage cheese and a banana. Then, at noon I had a wherthers (saving calories). Then, at 6pm... I was able to binge. I ate 1/2 gallon of ice cream, 4 cookies and 2 Reese's trees. And you know what, the whole time I was trying to figure out how I could do it again tomorrow...and how the next day I could save to eat a whole bag of m&ms. So, my question is, does this ever end??? People say that the desire to binge comes from restricting. But, I do get enough calories at night. And, if I spread them out, i feel like I'm missing out. I just don't know what to do. Do I just need to accept that I Willa,ways be like this?
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I wanted to tell you that it does get better. The miracle of food sanity can come. That's the ONLY way I have been able to keep 60 pounds off. And the only way I will get the rest off is to get back to what works: low carb eating. You sound so much like me with wanting the junk; I haven't read your blog except the last 2 posts, but have you tried low carb for any length of time? I don't think it matters what: South Beach, Paleo, Medifast, etc. But the key to food sanity is getting off the junk. And the key to getting off the junk is cutting carbs and going simple.
ReplyDeleteI also want to say I am very glad you did not hurt yourself, and that you talked to your husband and cried instead. Life is a gift, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes, and our problems are temporary. But suicide is permanent and while it ends one person's suffering, it spreads suffering to all who knew that person. Please know you can feel better; happy times will come. Have you seen a doctor or a counselor about your feelings? It can make a huge difference. Maybe you can speak to your doctor or even your gynecologist about it. They can help you or get you in to a counselor to talk through the feelings.
God loves you and wants you to trust that he has rich blessings in store for you in THIS life. Please take courage, stay and see what He has in mind for you. He has a purpose for you! I pray for you to have peace and find your way. And I do care about you. Hugs.
p.s...
ReplyDeletelow carb is not just for weight loss. I was reading some older posts of yours and thinking about weight issues, and wanted to come back and say you can eat your 2000 calories (or whatever level you need to maintain/gain and be at a healthy weight) of lower carb foods and be satisfied AND get that food sanity. I'm no doctor, so do check with yours, but generally speaking people who follow South Beach or Paleo/Primal eating have bad cravings for a few days and then they feel SO much better and lose the cravings for junk. Can you try a week eating sugar free and grain free? Even just doing that might give you answers. Focus on lots of heathly proteins, fats, veggies... maybe look up the South Beach phase 1 food list or the list of Paleo or Primal foods and go from there. But stay away from sugar, processed junk, etc. If you have to, eat a lot of baked chicken, lean meat, roasted veggies (no potatoes though!) to get you through. I wish you the very best and hope this is helpful!
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