Friday, January 18, 2013

How the eating disorder messed with my fertility

I remember when I was in and out of treatment centers, one thing doctors and my parents warned me about was that eating disorders can decrease your chances of having children.

I am going to be completely honest, at that time, I had no interest in having children. Heck... I hadn't had a boyfriend in years and questioned if I would ever get married. Plus, I was very sick(mentally and physically), and I cared much more about staying thin. Just writing that truth makes me sad for the woman I use to be.

Fast forward to July 9, 2011. I married the most incredible man in the world and from that day started dreaming of having babies. I had to have laparoscopic surgery  2 weeks before the wedding to clean up some adhesions from endometriosis, but my gyn was hopeful that we would have no problem conceiving because the endo was not on my ovaries or tubes. Just a few months after being married, my gyn put me into chemically endured menopause to stop the endo from growing for 6 month as she felt right after would be a great time for us to conceive...and 6 month into marriage sounded great to us too! I will say that I pray to God chemically endured menopause is worse Han real menopause, because I was a disaster. My husband was a saint and loved me and held me and took care of me when my hormones raged and I became seriously depressed and even suicidal.

After the 6 months, hubby and I were really excited about the prospect of getting pregnant. We knew it may take awhile, but we were very optimistic. It has now been almost a year since we started trying and nothing! I have worked with my gyn. She's determined that I have plenty of eggs, but I am just not ovulating. Even with clomid, a fertlity medication, my body is not ovulating.

A few weeks ago, I faced the fact that the reason I am not ovulating is more than likely due to residual Ed behaviors. At the time, I was still trying to maintain a weight that may be too low for my body (even though it's in the 'normal' bmi range. I faced the fact that my body may need more weight and more energy (ie. calories) to function properly- ovulate! So.... I increased my energy intake. I have been eating at least 2500 calories daily, because based on research, that's what bodies need to repair damage after periods of restriction...even though I wasn't starving myself... I was still eating less than my body needed, as evidenced by it shutting down ovulation. I have gained 10 pounds so far and the funny thing is, I feared it for years, but now I am embracing it!

I would like to note that I never stopped menstrating. It is a myth that as long as you keep getting your period you are at a healthy weight for your body. Sometimes woman bleed without ovulating....this is a sign that your body is not functioning at its optimal level. Your body has shut down part of its functioning and the only way to get it working again is to get it back to homeostasis.

Well, I've been doing great for about a month and while I still did not ovulate... I believe my body is healing and I pray that soon it will be fully functioning again and God will bless us with a baby. Last month my progesterone on day 21 was 0.3. This month it was 8.0.... And the gyn said +10 indicates ovulation occurred.

I have been disappointed for so many months. I have cried many tears and found myself jealous of women who can get pregnant easily. Sometimes I fear it will never happen for us. Years ago I wanted nothing more than to stay thin. And, in pursuit of that I forced my body to maintain a 'too low for me' weight. In response, my body stopped functioning the way God designed it to function.

Today, I than God for revealing His truth to me. I believe that God designed my body to bring life into this world. I believe God will bless us with a baby, but I know that I need to continue to do my part. Not just today, not just until I get pregnant or have babies, but for the rest of my life. I want to take care of the body God has given to me. So, for anyone out there struggling with infertility that may be caused by an eating disorder. I do believe Fod will restore your body to health and functioning. But, we must stop abusing our bodies.

Here's to hoping that one day soon I will be here writing that my body is restored and I am ovulating...and I pray one day I get to give birth to a beautiful, healthy creation of love!

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