Rambles

I remember hearing that sometimes its good to just write...even if you have no idea what to write. So, here I am....and I plan to come write often. So, here's what's going on in my mind....

I have gained a lot of weight over the past few weeks. My dietician and husband are thrilled... I am not. I feel very out of control with it and it scares me. I know it's good for me and is going to help me start ovulating again, but I just feel l Ike I'm out of control now. I always heard eating disorders are about gaining a false sense of control...guess that's true.

I have been hoarding calories during the day so that I can binge at the end of each day. I wish this wasnt true, but it is. I just can't get rid of my love of bingeing, no matter how hard I try. I don't know what to do.

I have this overwhelming fear of not being completely full and satisfied. Has anyone ever had this? Has anyone overcome this? Anyone have any ideas for me?

When did I start bingeing? I was anorexic for years.,l in and out of treatment centers.... I remember hearing a calorie is a calorie. I learned that if I ate wxyz number of calories of veggies or wxyz calories of junk food...it would have the same effect on,y weight. So, I started to let myself have everything I wanted....I wanted icecream pizza, candy, junk flood! I was able to maintain my weight because I was eating the right amount of calories, but it was mostly junk food. I would also restrict during the day so that I could eat large volumes of food at night...alone. I would have lighter meals and then when my parents went to bed, I would eat 5-6 yogurts with a bag of pretzels mixed in. The next night, I would have 3 yogurts and a bag of bagels... Yes,  a whole bag. I loved the way my stomach felt... Stuffed... Full... No more hunger. I was finally satisfied.

Like I said, know really fear not binge eating. I don't want to feel deprived. I feel so lost and like I'll never be healthy. I feel defeated and depressed.

Rewire my brain

The brain is so complex. I was just thinking today.... Does anyone else find it interesting that people with disordered eating tend to think the same thought? Talk to anyone with disordered eating and you will find that they easily connect with others with disordered eating and often comment on having the 'same brain'. I am no scientist, but I wonder if the reason disordered eaters have the same thoughts is because they have established many of the same behaviors. Now, I do believe that thoughts cause us to act, but I also believe that our actions also bring about out oughts. So, for me, when I repeat the same actions...I have the same thoughts..land the same thoughts trigger more of the same actions. Example....I binge eat, while I am bingeing I think, 'oh this is soooo good! Bingeing makes me feel so good.' now, the next time I want to feel good, and who doesn't want to feel good every day? What am I going to remember? Oh yes... My thought... Bingeing feels so good. Same goes with restricting. Example.... I restricted food intake...thought... 'I am in control. I am strong, I am unique.' Now, who doesn't want to feel these things everyday? I know I do! So, the next time I ant to feel these this... Guess what..there's that behavior again....and the ought will follow. It's a vicious cycle.

So, how can we stop this cycle? I believe that we need to rewire our brains. Our brains are made of millions (totally guessing on the number...but it's a lot) of neuro pathways. Neuro pathways are made stronger ach time a thought or behavior is repeated and soon it becomes automatic. Yep...that's how we can find ourselves bingeing with one little thought. And, that's how we can find ourselves restricting or over exercising without even thinking about it. For me, disordered eating has been happening for years, so imagine how strong those neuro pathways are! Yikes! But, they can be rewired! How? By creating new thought and new behaviors. Again, these will take time to develop and the only way to develop them is through repetition of thoughts and behaviors. So, every day I must make the choices to form those new pathways. Here's how I am going to do it today...

New thoughts:
* food is nourishing for my body. It gives me energy and regenerates healthy cells throughout each day. Food makes my body function the way God designed it to function.

* spending time with family and friends nourishes my soul. It makes me feel connected and loved.

*  being healthy, not a certain weight or size, is what is beautiful. When I am healthy I look and feel my best. My skin glows, my hair shines, and I feel alive.

* bingeing, restricting, and over exercising are destructive habits that kill body, mind and spirit.

New actions:
* when I feel the urge to binge, I will read Gods word because it nourishes my soul.
* when I feel the urge to hoard calories, I will follow the advice of my dietitian because food nourishes my body and I need it consistently throuout the day.

* when I feel stressed, I will meditate (free on iTunes!) because it brings me to the present and helps me relax.

* when I feel scared, I will pray for God is the one who is in control of everything and He loves me and will take care of me and protect me.

Purging thoughts

This is going to be so random, but it's something I feel I need right now. So, here it is...a purging of thoughts.

I am scared to stop all Ed behaviors, yet I want recovery and a full life more than anything.
Gaining weight is scary for me. I feel like I am doing something very wrong. The whole world seems to value emaciated looks, but do people realize how unhealthy eds are???

I hate being scared and sad. I want to live a life of courage, hope, and authenticity.

I miss my brother. I hate thinking about the fact that he died...by his choice. I hate that there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I often try to avoid thinking about it because there's not a damn thing I can do about it. And that kills me.

I hate that my body is still not ovulating, despite eating tons and not working out at all. Is this all for nothing?

I hate that I am still hungry eating over 2000 calories a day. Again, I feel like my body is messed up. I know a lot of women eat way more and can skip meals and say they are never hungry. I hate that my stomach is growling and I am still so hungry eating all of this.

I hate feeling like I am not really myself. I see myself, who I want to be....happy, in lov, a mom who is in love with life and her kids, a woman who is beautiful and full of energy...and I feel like I am walking around dead.

I binged on Monday night. I ate a whole 1/2 gallon of ice cream. After it, I never wanted to binge again. Yesterday, I ate well, but I wanted so badly to binge. For me, I always want to do it one more time. But, there never seems to be a last time. I always want to do it again. Why? Bingeing makes me feel in control and happy. It gives me intense pleasure and excitement. I love the sugar rush...but it doesn't solve my problems and it doesn't get me where I want to be in life. So... Maybe I need to start doing things that give me pleasure and excitement and are aligned with my goals... But what? I hate to admit this, but to me nothing feels as good as bingeing.

I feel guilty for not working out, but at the same time I love it. I have never loved exercise...so this break is actually what I want and enjoy, but I feel guilty because in my mind I am a fat, lazy, slob for not working out.

I wish I knew how to fully recover. Part of me just wants to go way to inpatient treatment. I've been through programs before. I guess I want to go away because it's my escape from life. In treatment, recovery is happening. I am well taken care of. People coddle me and help me. In treatment, I am safe and I am forced to take care of myself. I have to follow a healthy meal plan. I am not allowed to workout. I have to gain to a healthier bmi (even though mines not really low now). I get therapy and support 24-7. I am surrounds by inspiring women who become true friends and who are genuine. In treatment, I feel like I am becoming the woman I want to be. Basically, in treatment I feel forced to do recovery...which is really what I want, and I don't have to own it...they make me do it. So, I don't have the guilt of choosing recovery. I don't have the guilt of eating, not exercising, gaining to a weight bigger than society thinks women should be. I am able to live the life I want without guilt when I am inpatient. The reality is, I go to therapy now. I go to a dietitian and have a meal plan...but I feel guilt for living recovery. Plus, there's no bubble of support and protection like inpatient.

God, I need you! I need you to change my heart. God, I need you to be my support and protection. God, I want to live a life that is fearless. I want to live a healthy happy life and stop living this life of half assed recovery. God, I want to feel alive and stop trying to life how the work tells me I should live. God, I beg you to help me!

Don't take our eyes off God

This is the message I received last nigh... Don take your eyes off God. To be honest, I've hear that a time or two before, but last night, I got it. I cannot take my eyes off of God. For when I do, I feel scared, tempted, depressed, and hopeless.

This week, my husband is away at hunting camp with his dad. I knew this was coming because it's a yearly occurrence. Well, last week, I had the thought, 'I can binge all week while hubby is say!' I got excitebegan immediately began planning my binges. Last night, when I was going to bed, I realized what I was doing. I was falling into disordered eating again. I was giving myself permission to sin. I was telling myself it was okay to sin, 'one more time.' but... It's not okay. Sin is sin. There is no difference, in Gods eyes whether we engage in disordered eating (make food/ exercise our idol) or murder someone. Would we ever say, 'it's okay that he/she murdered someone...they just had to do it one last time and now they stopped? Of course not! Well, my planning to binge was no different.

I spent ime reading the bible last night and found this...
'BLESSED is ANYONE who ENDURES temptation.' James1:12
     Who doesn't want to be blessed? What blessings have you been asking for? When I read this, I thought, 'I want to be blessed!' God is the ultimate truth... His word is His promise to us. If I endure temptation, I will be blessed!

I continued to read James 1:13-16...
'no one when tempted should say I am being tempted by God: for God cannot be tempted by evil and He himself tempts no one. But, ONE is TEMPTED BY ONES OWN DESIRE, BEING LURED AND ENTICED BY IT; THEN, WHEN THAT DESIRE HAD CONCEIVED IT GIVES BIRTH TO SIN, AND THAT SIN, WHEN IT IS FULLY GOWN, GIVES BIRTH TO DEATH. DO NOT BE DECEIVED MY BELOVED.'
     What was causing my desire to binge? My own desires. I wanted to feel full. I wanted to give myself a lot of pleasurable food. My desires for fulfillment and pleasure are not sinful.... They are from God. But, when I take my eyes off of God, when I turn to my own desires alone, they breed sin.

James 1:21
'Therefore, rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls. But, be doers of the word and not merely hearers who deceive themselves.'
     We must rid ourslves of our sins and welcome God's word into our lives. We must live his word and not just listen to it and read it. I have listened for years without action and yes, it makes you feel good, but it doesn't change your life. Change takes action!

I must keep my eyes on God. So, I made a plan for the week. I made a plan for what I need to get at the grocery store. I made a plan to give myself pleasure in Godly ways (listening to music, pinterest projects!, going to the bookstore, yoga, hot tub, time with friends, prayer).

Our desires are not evil, but if we focus only on them, the devil has a way of running wild with them and causing us to sin. But, when we keep our eyes on God, we can see those desires more clearly, we can appreciate them and meet them in Godly ways. And, when we do this inspire of temptation to sin, we will be blessed! God promises us that we will be blessed!
   

There's so much more to life than striving for a 'perfect' body

For years, I as so caught up in trying to achieve a 'perfect' body. I counted every calorie. I weighed every morsel of food. I worked out like many disordered 'healthy living' bloggers and my head was consumed with fears of gaining weight, eating out of control, etc.

Today, I sit here SO thankful that my mindset is changing. There is so much more to life than trying to have a perfect body, eating healthy, working out.

There is life! There is ... cooking dinner without caring how many calories is in it, following a recipe without substitutions because it tastes great and enjoying that meal with someone you love. There is ...not feeling guilty for not running and instead realizing that you are an active person just by going about your daily activities and enjoying a few nice walks a week. There is ...buying new clothes and instead of Feeling like you are letting yourself go, you realize and celebrate that your actually freeing yourself. You are freeing yourself to live a full life. You are freeing yourself to truly be healthy.

Today, I am so happy that I no longer beat myself up (physically or emotionally). Over the past wek, i realized that i was looking to healthy living bloggers (many who i believe have disordered eating/unhealthy relationships with workingout/their bodies) to tell me what
 Was best for my body. I am so happy for this realization because it is NOT how i am going to live my life. I have dreams, goals, and a beautiful life that i want to fully participate in. So, If you want me to tell you that it's great to workout to the point that your menstral cycles are irregular, or that you are fatigued all the time, or if you want me to tell you that you should eat clean all the time...I won't. Those are lies! The truth is, we are women. We are suppose to look like women..l.not starved, overstrained women but real women! Today, celebrate who you are, define who you are becoming and live life!

We can stop restricting, bingeing, purging, calorie counting, etc!

It's been a while since I wrote here, but I have been journalist and talking with people a ton.do you ever feel like you spend too much time trying to figure out why you binge, restrict, purge, calorie count, etc? I have felt like this in the past. I spen a lot of time really trying to figure out why I did it. Now, I realize that was one way of staying in the disorder. For me, when I was busy trying to figure it all out, I wasn't active in stopping the behaviors and for me stopping behaviors HAD to happen in order to start really recovering. When we still engage in behaviors, we allow ourselves to continue the disorder.

Now, I do believe I know many of the reasons why I engaged in Ed behaviors. I wanted to feel in control. I wanted to give myself pleasure and make myself feel good. I wanted to feel special and unique. I wanted to feel the comfort it gave to me. Basically, I wanted to feel really great feelings. Heck, I still do! Doesn't everyone? But, we must remember that the feelings the Ed behaviors give us are fleeting and ey come with real, severe consequences. Sure, some may think... Big deal, I calculate very morsel of food I put in my mouth. It controls my weight and I look and feel great. But, I dare o ask what this is doing to your social and emotional health.

Over the past few weeks, I have learned that there will be times when I want to binge, restrict, calorie count, etc. but, I must choose not to engage in those behaviors. Because, each time we engage in behaviors, it strengthens that habit. So, if I want to live a life free of bingeing, restricting, calorie counting...then, I need to continually be binge, restricting and calorie counting free.

There were a couple times this week when I wanted to save calories to binge, but I literally had to tell myself NO! (loudly) and make the choice to do the right thing.

I do believe that everyone can recover from disordered eating. I believe that the people who don't recover are the ones who truly don't want to fully live without it. I know that was true for me for many years. Yes, I said I wanted to recover, but I wanted half-assed recovery. I wanted to feel good, be normal, have positive thoughts, etc. but I still wanted to control my food and my body. Thank God I am now living with a much different mindset. I want to remain Ed free forever and I know that means choosing recovery. I believe the more we choose it, the more it will just become life and no longer be recovery.

So, for anyone wondering if people can stop engaging in Ed thoughts and behaviors....YES!!!!!!!

Gratitude:
I am greatful for my amazing husband. I adore him!
I am greatful for the time I spent with my niece and nephew yesterday.
I am greatful for God!
I am greatful for the gorgeous day yesterday.
I am greatful for peace.

Prayers:
I pray for those who don't know God and have a relationship with Him to come to know Him.
I pray that God blesses hubby and I with a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful, healthy baby. (soon..he he )
I pray for God to guide us in choosing a president that will show God glory.
I pray for all children who are being mistreate, physically and emotionally. I pray that they see God in others and know His love for them.
I pray for the sick that they will be healed.

Sometimes all I want to do is binge

Ahhhhh! For the past few days...ummm maybe years....all I have wanted to do is binge. I don't know why. I wish I did. But I don't. I eat plenty throuout the day but it doesn't seem to matter. I still want to stuff myself with food. I feel like no one understands. I feel so alone in all of this and I wonder if I'll ever overcome it.

I did hear something yesterday on a Joyce meyers podcast that I liked. She said that we often want to get from where we are to where we want to be without having to go through what we need to go through to get there. I did wonder of that's how I'm feeling about binge eating/being healthy. I have been allowing myself to binge for years. Now, I want to stop bingeing and live without any eating dosoder (note... I don't want to be what many consider 'healthy'... Meaning I don't want to restrict, eat a diet meal plan, eat paleo, eat only superfoods, etc.). I want to eat when I'm hungy, stop when I am full, eat foods I like to eat... Including cupcakes, ice cream, butter, bread, etc. but...I am having a REALLY hard time with the inbetween. I mean, I am having trouble with still having the STRONG urges to binge, but not giving into them. I'll be honest, I have been giving into them a lot. I find that I just can't stop myself from doing it. I constantly think about when I can binge and even if I'm planning not to binge, the minute I see an opportunity to do it, like when hubby is going to be away for the night, I immediately seize the opportunity and binge. I search endlessly for a way to stop, but I can't find the answer. Nothing seems to work. I am so frustrated!