Purging thoughts

This is going to be so random, but it's something I feel I need right now. So, here it is...a purging of thoughts.

I am scared to stop all Ed behaviors, yet I want recovery and a full life more than anything.
Gaining weight is scary for me. I feel like I am doing something very wrong. The whole world seems to value emaciated looks, but do people realize how unhealthy eds are???

I hate being scared and sad. I want to live a life of courage, hope, and authenticity.

I miss my brother. I hate thinking about the fact that he died...by his choice. I hate that there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I often try to avoid thinking about it because there's not a damn thing I can do about it. And that kills me.

I hate that my body is still not ovulating, despite eating tons and not working out at all. Is this all for nothing?

I hate that I am still hungry eating over 2000 calories a day. Again, I feel like my body is messed up. I know a lot of women eat way more and can skip meals and say they are never hungry. I hate that my stomach is growling and I am still so hungry eating all of this.

I hate feeling like I am not really myself. I see myself, who I want to be....happy, in lov, a mom who is in love with life and her kids, a woman who is beautiful and full of energy...and I feel like I am walking around dead.

I binged on Monday night. I ate a whole 1/2 gallon of ice cream. After it, I never wanted to binge again. Yesterday, I ate well, but I wanted so badly to binge. For me, I always want to do it one more time. But, there never seems to be a last time. I always want to do it again. Why? Bingeing makes me feel in control and happy. It gives me intense pleasure and excitement. I love the sugar rush...but it doesn't solve my problems and it doesn't get me where I want to be in life. So... Maybe I need to start doing things that give me pleasure and excitement and are aligned with my goals... But what? I hate to admit this, but to me nothing feels as good as bingeing.

I feel guilty for not working out, but at the same time I love it. I have never loved exercise...so this break is actually what I want and enjoy, but I feel guilty because in my mind I am a fat, lazy, slob for not working out.

I wish I knew how to fully recover. Part of me just wants to go way to inpatient treatment. I've been through programs before. I guess I want to go away because it's my escape from life. In treatment, recovery is happening. I am well taken care of. People coddle me and help me. In treatment, I am safe and I am forced to take care of myself. I have to follow a healthy meal plan. I am not allowed to workout. I have to gain to a healthier bmi (even though mines not really low now). I get therapy and support 24-7. I am surrounds by inspiring women who become true friends and who are genuine. In treatment, I feel like I am becoming the woman I want to be. Basically, in treatment I feel forced to do recovery...which is really what I want, and I don't have to own it...they make me do it. So, I don't have the guilt of choosing recovery. I don't have the guilt of eating, not exercising, gaining to a weight bigger than society thinks women should be. I am able to live the life I want without guilt when I am inpatient. The reality is, I go to therapy now. I go to a dietitian and have a meal plan...but I feel guilt for living recovery. Plus, there's no bubble of support and protection like inpatient.

God, I need you! I need you to change my heart. God, I need you to be my support and protection. God, I want to live a life that is fearless. I want to live a healthy happy life and stop living this life of half assed recovery. God, I want to feel alive and stop trying to life how the work tells me I should live. God, I beg you to help me!