Today, I want to share what's been on my mind lately. This is in response to a Reader who commented on one of my posts, I can tell from her comment that she has a beautiful spirit and in writing to her, I found myself realizing what is working to help me overcome the eating disorder that I've battled for years.
It truly amazes me how strong and often the desire to binge arises. It's scary how it can control life. I tried for years to maintain a weight that was too low for me. Those stupid bmi charts try to fit everyone in to a mold that some bodies just don't function well at. And don't even get me started on how low many of those stupid calorie recommendations are! I have been working with a dietitian for a couple of months now and I'll be honest...it didn't take away the urges to binge. I have found for me that no diet plan will take away those urges. For me...i seek food for emotional reasons...not purely physical...(but note that urges to binge also do arise if I eat too little during the day!)
Lately, I have discovered that I binge because I was still obsessed with trying to control my body and my food intake. While I wasn't restricting my intake at all, I was still obsessed with counting calories and obsessed about the most enjoyable ways to get them in. I feared missing out. I tried to control my intake and body because I feared losing control. I would get nervous, anxious, irritable and depressed if I couldn't binge. I chose binging over everything. I was seeking pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment from binging. I realized that I felt in love with and addicted to food. I thought about food all day, everyday. I was looking forward to every opportunity to eat more than anything else. For me, food had become my idol. I worshipped it.
It was important of me to really think about why I loved to binge so much. Like I said, I wanted pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment. It was also important to recognize that I was still obsessed with trying to control my body by micromanaging my food intake and still trying to maintain a too low weight for my body to function (as evidenced by my anovulatory cycles...even though I was menstrating!) I had to recognize that I did this because I wanted to feel secure, loved, accepted, special, and in control.
Now, it is not bad at all to desire these things....pleasure, satisfaction, fulfillment, security, love, acceptance, control.... But, I was seeking them in ways that were harming me. And, since diets and binging/reactive eating patterns only give me these things temporarily...I was constantly longing and needing to do them more intensely and more often. I had to recognize that dieting and binging/reactive eating will never give me the things I long for...at least not permanently. I think that's why before, during, or right after a binge we can declare that it was our last binge...because we believe that this will be it..l we will finally feel totally satisfied and content.
So, where does this leave me??? It certainly does not leave me seeking yet another diet plan to try...been there...done that...doesn't work for me. For me, the answer is filling those desires that I have longed to have filled for years! I have tried before... Relax, take bubble baths, call a friend, etc. and I'm going to be honest...after I did those things... I still wanted to binge. I remember telling therapists many times that I tried all those 'tricks', but for me nothing felt as good as binging. But, I now realize that for me...there is only one that can fill those desires...and it is God. Like I said, I feel like I have tried everything and at some points I thought I even tried Turing to God..and I guess I did on some level. But, at the same time, I still wanted to do things my way. I wanted God to take away my desires to binge, but I still wanted to control all my intake and my body and if the desire to binge arose, I wanted to do it one more time. I am now seeing that the only way I am ever going to get the desires of my heart is by turning to God and believing sniped trusting that He is going to bless me far beyond those desires. The truth is, (God) created my inmost being, (he) knit me together in my mother's womb. (So), I will praise (Him) because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.' I am choosing to no longer listen to what society tells me I should be or look like. I am solely relying on God for that now. I listened to society and 'unhealthy' living blogs for years and where did that get me? It helped the devil accomplish his mission. It kept me stuck in self distraction. I was made for so much more. Now, I am relying on God to lead me where I am destined to go. I know God has big plans for me and all I have to do is stop following the world and turn to Him.
I still get desires to count calories, obsess about by body, binge...but rather than listen to and give in to those desires I run to God. I focus on truth. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made...and I make the choice to follow God.
I share this because it is working for me and I truly believe it is the only thing that can work to overcome this horrible stronghold.