Sunday, November 24, 2013

Always looking for the next binge

Okay so, here we go....

I am always looking for the next binge. It's true. During one binge and until I can binge again, I continuously think about binge eating over and over again. Ice cream, candy bars, muffins... I become obsessed with thoughts of all of the food I want to eat. That's the other thing to note. I don't just want a dish of ice cream, a regular size candy bar or a muffin. I want pints of ice cream with multiple king sized candy bats. I want packages of muffins with multiple candy bars. I understand that for people without eating disorders, the thought of this would make them sick. But, it excites me. Why? Why do I long for huge quantities of binge foods? What am I really longing for. Some tell me it's becaus ei may be hungry... That's not true because I wouldn't need such huge volumes to be satisfied if it were just that I was physically hungry. Like I said in a different post, I look forward to each binge. It brings me joy and excitement. Is that what I am looking for? If that's the case, the tri is, food- no matter how much I eat and eat and eat, will never bring me the joy and excitement that I long for. Sure, it will bring it to me for the few brief moments I am bingeing, but, when it's over, it's over. Perhaps that's why I am already looking for the next binge.

God's word tells me that He is the only thing that will fill my heart. I have never known this kind of love and fulfillment. I have seen people who love God and profess feeling completely fulfilled by God. To be honest, I long for it, but I have never experienced it. I want to. I wonder of I don't feel it because I am constantly putting food in the place where God wants to be. I really wish God would just email me or call me and let me know exactly what I need to do to be able to fall in love with Him and never again want to use food to get all of the things my heart longs for.

God, where are you? Please help me!

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