Are 'healthy living' blogs healthy?

So, I was thinking about how long I have been reading these so called healthy living blogs. Years! I have wasted years of my life reading them...that's right...I said wasted! I started reading them when I was still in a phase of disordered eating and I just kind of got sucked into these blogger's lives. And without even realizing it, I started to truly believe that these people were the picture of health. I believed what they did was what we should all strive for. Thankfully, I have come to the realization that this is not true!

The truth is, most of these healthy living bloggers have suffered or are still suffering with eating disorders. While many bloggers profess health and well being, they take it to the extreme and their past/present disorders  deceive them and others into believing that their behaviors are healthy.

The truth is, it is not normal or healthy to restrict food intake or exercise daily to maintain a weight that is too low for YOUR body.

The truth is, women need to be at an optimal weight for THEIR body in order for it to function properly.

The truth is, you don't have to be a runner, cross fitter (?), body builder, professional yogi, etc. to be healthy.

I fell into this trap where I was believing these healthy living bloggers more than doctors! My doctors  were telling me that I was unhealthy. They were telling me that my body was too stressed and my bmi was too low (for me- even though it was in the normal range) to have normal menstrual cycles. But, I didn't believe them. I mean, bloggers x,y, and z all ate waaaaaaay less, exercised waaaaaay more and had waaaaaay lower bmis, and they are 'healthy'. I avoided following the doctor's advice for a long time, until one day it dawned on me...perhaps these 'healthy living' bloggers aren't really healthy. Sure, they may have low bmis, they may have muscle definition, they may run marathons, they may eat clean.... But they may be tormented with addictive/disordered thoughts and behaviors. Some of their bodies may appear healthy on the outside, but the things they 'must' do to look that way- that's what's unhealthy.

So, if anyone ever stumbles upon this while looking for a healthy living blog, I pray for you. I pray that your heart and eyes will be opened to the truth. The truth that we will all age. Our bodies will all deteriorate and we will all die. And when we do, it won't matter how thin we were, how many days we worked out, how many races we ran or how clean we ate. You are so much more than all of this. You were created to thrive! Stop looking at healthy living blogs to tell you who you are and what you should be doing. Start reading the truth!

Pictures don't tell the whole story

I just deleted a lot of pictures off of my phone. Over the past few days, I have noticed that when I would see some of the pictures, I would feel terrible that I was no longer as skinny as I was. I found myself beating myself up for gaining some weight and I realized that the pictures had to go. Why? Because those pictures don't tell the whole story. Those pictures show what my body looked like, but they do not show what my mind and heart were like. Those pictures don't display the turmoil I was in. They don't show how dizzy and lightheaded I was. They don't show how irritable I was with my husband. They don't show that behind those shallow eyes, all there was is a love of food and nothing else.

This is something that we all need to remember when we find ourselves looking at photos in magazines, on other people's blogs, or in the media. Those photos will never be able to tell you the whole story. So, rather than looking at those photos/images and perhaps longing to be like them/the old you, focus on what you want in life and live it.

Those pictures are now deleted and I feel a sense of relief. I no longer have those images taunting me to return to the life of deprivation. I am free to focus on the life that I want to live and that is a life that is full....not of food, working out, striving for a certain body type, or even a baby. Rather, it is a life that is full of love, freedom, joy, peace and above all God.

Always looking for the next binge

Okay so, here we go....

I am always looking for the next binge. It's true. During one binge and until I can binge again, I continuously think about binge eating over and over again. Ice cream, candy bars, muffins... I become obsessed with thoughts of all of the food I want to eat. That's the other thing to note. I don't just want a dish of ice cream, a regular size candy bar or a muffin. I want pints of ice cream with multiple king sized candy bats. I want packages of muffins with multiple candy bars. I understand that for people without eating disorders, the thought of this would make them sick. But, it excites me. Why? Why do I long for huge quantities of binge foods? What am I really longing for. Some tell me it's becaus ei may be hungry... That's not true because I wouldn't need such huge volumes to be satisfied if it were just that I was physically hungry. Like I said in a different post, I look forward to each binge. It brings me joy and excitement. Is that what I am looking for? If that's the case, the tri is, food- no matter how much I eat and eat and eat, will never bring me the joy and excitement that I long for. Sure, it will bring it to me for the few brief moments I am bingeing, but, when it's over, it's over. Perhaps that's why I am already looking for the next binge.

God's word tells me that He is the only thing that will fill my heart. I have never known this kind of love and fulfillment. I have seen people who love God and profess feeling completely fulfilled by God. To be honest, I long for it, but I have never experienced it. I want to. I wonder of I don't feel it because I am constantly putting food in the place where God wants to be. I really wish God would just email me or call me and let me know exactly what I need to do to be able to fall in love with Him and never again want to use food to get all of the things my heart longs for.

God, where are you? Please help me!

Let's ramble

I really don't know what I am going to write about, so I figure I will just ramble :)

Has anyone else spent an immense amount of time searching for answers to the question, 'how do I overcome disordered eating?' I seriously have searched high and low for the answer for years. You can find a lot of information, but here's the kicker.... Are you ready? You will never overcome disordered eating by answering that question. What?!?!? It's true! The only way we will ever be able to overcome disordered eating is by.... Kicking disordered eating out of our lives...once and for all!

You can read about how personality and past events lead to disordered eating, but unless you change negative thoughts, use your amazing personality traits for good and not evil, and accept the reality that you can't control what has happened to you, but you can control how you live your life now, you will never overcome the disorder.

You need ACTION! It's not enough to read about and think about all that you need to do. You need to DO it! I absolutely hate that so many people lead others to believe that if you just learn about why you do it, the urges will go away. If that were the case, I would have been free looooong ago. The truth is, we need to walk in the freedom that God has already died for is to have. We don't need to wait until we understand why we do it. We don't need to wait until we no longer have urges to act on urges. We need to walk by faith...believing what God has told us. Our old (disordered) selves have died with Christ and now we are a new (no disordered) creation! Did you hear that? We are free! Let's live it!

Why do you binge?

I have read so many reasons for why people binge.
People binge because...
They are trying to stuff down emotions.
They don't eat enough during the day.
They don't drink enough water during the day.
They are trying to be overweight so that they won't receive sexual attention.
they numb their feelings.

Why do I binge? I feel like I don't truly know the answer to this. I do know that no matter how much I eat during the day, I always want to binge. In fact, i am usually planning the next binge right after I finish bingeing (and am stuffed). I wake up thinking about how I am going to get the food and literally waiting all day untl it is time to binge. I anticipate it. I love it. I always hear people say they hate it, but I don't. I really love it. So, I guess the reason I binge is because it brings me an emmense amount of pleasure. It makes me feel incredible and gives me something that I love to look forward to everyday. why do you binge?

Same mountain

How many times will we circle the same mountain? It has been years, and while I have seen various sides of the mountain, I am still circling the same one. I spend countless hours, every day, seeking answers. I ask google how to find freedom from disordered eating. I read blog after blog, studying the blogger's lives, trying to figure out how to be free once and for all. But, here I am still wondering how to be free.

The reality is, God has already set me free. That is what the bible says, therefore it is the truth. This is the truth that I need to remind myself of daily. God bought my freedom when He died on the cross for me (and you). He offers us that freedom. It is our choice whether we live in it or not. I have not been living in Christ's freedom. I have continued to live in bondage and the truth is, I will never be free and healed if I don't make the choice to walk in God's freedom.

How can I do this? I need to renew my mind. Keep God first in my life. Study the word of God and meditate on it day and night. I need to live God's truth and reject the devil. I will be writing a lot and most of it won't make sense, but my hope is that by getting everything out, I will find healing and restoration and walk fully in God's freedom- the freedom my heart longs for.

Infertility

I remember being a teenager and believing that the very first time I had sex, I would get pregnant. I'm sure my parents are very greatful that I innocently believed this and didn't make them grandparents while I was in high school.

I remember getting engaged and thinking about having babies with my amazing husband. At this time, I still believed that getting pregnant would be easy.

Now, after a year of trying, I am feeling hopeless. I also find myself wondering if I even want to have children. I mean, I have been reading many blogs written by women who have just had babies and some of it is down right depressing. Am I strong enough to handle the difficulties of motherhood! Perhaps I am looking at all of the negatives because I am scared. I am scared that my body is not capable of ovulating, conceiving and birthing a healthy baby. I see woman all around me, who It is so easy for and it hurts.

Infertility hurts.
I feel angry.
I feel sad.
I feel completely ineffective and broken.
I feel out of control.
 I feel defeated.
I feel old.
I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I feel hopeless.
I feel tired.
I feel depressed.

Now, this is how I want to feel....
I want to feel free.
I want to feel joy.
I want to feel excited about life.
I want to be happy.
I want to have energy again.
I want to feel whole and complete.
I want to feel content.
I want to feel alive.

So, I am going to focus on those things. I am going to focus on living this life. I am going to get excited about my upcoming vacation with my husband! I am going to reach out and try to make friend... I seriously have none! Of course I am going to continue ttc, but I don't want it to consume me any longer. So, today I am going to do the following things for me...
I am going to get in a workout.
I am going to take a long, hot shower.
I am going to do m hair and makeup.
I am going to book reservations for dinners out for our vacation.
I am going to read a magazine.
I am going to pray and read the bible.
I am going to bake.
I am going to curl up with my husband when he gets home and just enjoy him and our love!

I just want to be healthy

I couldn't even begin to count how many time I said, 'I just want to be healthy.' I said it when I first started engaging in eating disorder (Ed) behaviors. I said it to doctors in treatment centers. I said it to my parents, boyfriends, therapists, friends, myself... everyone. I was thinking about this today. So many people with eating disorders make that statement, 'I just want to be healthy.'

But, let's be honest here....if that's what people with eating disorders truly want, then why are they restricting, binging, over exercising, purging, trying to maintain a too low body weight, etc.? I can't speak for anyone but myself. So, I will tell you why I did it. I engaged in these unhealthy and destructive behaviors, while professing that I just wanted to be healthy, because I, Karla, really did want to be healthy. I wanted to eat in moderating, enjoy all types of foods (including high fat and calorie foods), move my body, have energy, enjoy relationships, eat with others, have no fear of food, maintain a healthy weight, like and appreciate my body, ect. But......Ed was in charge and it would not allow those things to happen. Ed had convinced me that I needed to engage in unhealthy eating disorder behaviors in order to feel safe, secure, satisfied, fulfilled, in control, etc. 

Eating disorders are faithful in that when all else in the world seems to be scary and out of control, they are right there...the familiar behaviors that bring a sense of calm and order. But, the truth is, eating disorders are strongholds. They entrap their hosts with their lies and deceit. They get the person to believe that they need the eating dosorder in order to feel safe, secure, satisfied, fulfilled, and in control. These are all LIES! We do not need to have an eating disorder to be in control, safe, secure, fulfilled, or amusing else. In fact, the eating disorder will actually ensure that you don't have any of those things.

If you truly want to be healthy here is the first step.... Commit to recovery and start getting Ed out of your life! 

The only thing that will work to stop binging

It saddens me to think about how many people are suffering from addictions, disease, depression, eating disorders, loneliness, hopelessness, ect.

Today, I want to share what's been on my mind lately. This is in response to a Reader who commented on one of my posts, I can tell from her comment that she has a beautiful spirit and in writing to her, I found myself realizing what is working to help me overcome the eating disorder that I've battled for years.

It truly amazes me how strong and often the desire to binge arises. It's scary how it can control life. I tried for years to maintain a weight that was too low for me. Those stupid bmi charts try to fit everyone in to a mold that some bodies just don't function well at. And don't even get me started on how low many of those stupid calorie recommendations are! I have been working with a dietitian for a couple of months now and I'll be honest...it didn't take away the urges to binge. I have found for me that no diet plan will take away those urges. For me...i seek food for emotional reasons...not purely physical...(but note that urges to binge also do arise if I eat too little during the day!) 

Lately, I have discovered that I binge because I was still obsessed with trying to control my body and my food intake. While I wasn't restricting my intake at all, I was still obsessed with counting calories and obsessed about the most enjoyable ways to get them in. I feared missing out. I tried to control my intake and body because I feared losing control. I would get nervous, anxious, irritable and depressed if I couldn't binge. I chose binging over everything. I was seeking pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment from binging. I realized that I felt in love with and addicted to food. I thought about food all day, everyday. I was looking forward to every opportunity to eat more than anything else. For me, food had become my idol. I worshipped it. 

It was important of me to really think about why I loved to binge so much. Like I said, I wanted pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment. It was also important to recognize that I was still obsessed with trying to control my body by micromanaging my food intake and still trying to maintain a too low weight for my body to function (as evidenced by my anovulatory cycles...even though I was menstrating!) I had to recognize that I did this because I wanted to feel secure, loved, accepted, special, and in control. 

Now, it is not bad at all to desire these things....pleasure, satisfaction, fulfillment, security, love, acceptance, control.... But, I was seeking them in ways that were harming me. And, since diets and binging/reactive eating patterns only give me these things temporarily...I was constantly longing and needing to do them more intensely and more often. I had to recognize that dieting and binging/reactive eating will never give me the things I long for...at least not permanently. I think that's why before, during, or right after a binge we can declare that it was our last binge...because we believe that this will be it..l we will finally feel totally satisfied and content. 

So, where does this leave me??? It certainly does not leave me seeking yet another diet plan to try...been there...done that...doesn't work for me. For me, the answer is filling those desires that I have longed to have filled for years! I have tried before... Relax, take bubble baths, call a friend, etc. and I'm going to be honest...after I did those things... I still wanted to binge. I remember telling therapists many times that I tried all those 'tricks', but for me nothing felt as good as binging. But, I now realize that for me...there is only one that can fill those desires...and it is God. Like I said, I feel like I have tried everything and at some points I thought I even tried Turing to God..and I guess I did on some level. But, at the same time, I still wanted to do things my way. I wanted God to take away my desires to binge, but I still wanted to control all my intake and my body and if the desire to binge arose, I wanted to do it one more time. I am now seeing that the only way I am ever going to get the desires of my heart is by turning to God and believing sniped trusting that He is going to bless me far beyond those desires. The truth is, (God) created my inmost being, (he) knit me together in my mother's womb. (So), I will praise (Him) because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.' I am choosing to no longer listen to what society tells me I should be or look like. I am solely relying on God for that now. I listened to society and 'unhealthy' living blogs for years and where did that get me? It helped the devil accomplish his mission. It kept me stuck in self distraction. I was made for so much more. Now, I am relying on God to lead me where I am destined to go. I know God has big plans for me and all I have to do is stop following the world and turn to Him. 

I still get desires to count calories, obsess about by body, binge...but rather than listen to and give in to those desires I run to God. I focus on truth. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made...and I make the choice to follow God. 

I share this because it is working for me and I truly believe it is the only thing that can work to overcome this horrible stronghold. 

How the eating disorder messed with my fertility

I remember when I was in and out of treatment centers, one thing doctors and my parents warned me about was that eating disorders can decrease your chances of having children.

I am going to be completely honest, at that time, I had no interest in having children. Heck... I hadn't had a boyfriend in years and questioned if I would ever get married. Plus, I was very sick(mentally and physically), and I cared much more about staying thin. Just writing that truth makes me sad for the woman I use to be.

Fast forward to July 9, 2011. I married the most incredible man in the world and from that day started dreaming of having babies. I had to have laparoscopic surgery  2 weeks before the wedding to clean up some adhesions from endometriosis, but my gyn was hopeful that we would have no problem conceiving because the endo was not on my ovaries or tubes. Just a few months after being married, my gyn put me into chemically endured menopause to stop the endo from growing for 6 month as she felt right after would be a great time for us to conceive...and 6 month into marriage sounded great to us too! I will say that I pray to God chemically endured menopause is worse Han real menopause, because I was a disaster. My husband was a saint and loved me and held me and took care of me when my hormones raged and I became seriously depressed and even suicidal.

After the 6 months, hubby and I were really excited about the prospect of getting pregnant. We knew it may take awhile, but we were very optimistic. It has now been almost a year since we started trying and nothing! I have worked with my gyn. She's determined that I have plenty of eggs, but I am just not ovulating. Even with clomid, a fertlity medication, my body is not ovulating.

A few weeks ago, I faced the fact that the reason I am not ovulating is more than likely due to residual Ed behaviors. At the time, I was still trying to maintain a weight that may be too low for my body (even though it's in the 'normal' bmi range. I faced the fact that my body may need more weight and more energy (ie. calories) to function properly- ovulate! So.... I increased my energy intake. I have been eating at least 2500 calories daily, because based on research, that's what bodies need to repair damage after periods of restriction...even though I wasn't starving myself... I was still eating less than my body needed, as evidenced by it shutting down ovulation. I have gained 10 pounds so far and the funny thing is, I feared it for years, but now I am embracing it!

I would like to note that I never stopped menstrating. It is a myth that as long as you keep getting your period you are at a healthy weight for your body. Sometimes woman bleed without ovulating....this is a sign that your body is not functioning at its optimal level. Your body has shut down part of its functioning and the only way to get it working again is to get it back to homeostasis.

Well, I've been doing great for about a month and while I still did not ovulate... I believe my body is healing and I pray that soon it will be fully functioning again and God will bless us with a baby. Last month my progesterone on day 21 was 0.3. This month it was 8.0.... And the gyn said +10 indicates ovulation occurred.

I have been disappointed for so many months. I have cried many tears and found myself jealous of women who can get pregnant easily. Sometimes I fear it will never happen for us. Years ago I wanted nothing more than to stay thin. And, in pursuit of that I forced my body to maintain a 'too low for me' weight. In response, my body stopped functioning the way God designed it to function.

Today, I than God for revealing His truth to me. I believe that God designed my body to bring life into this world. I believe God will bless us with a baby, but I know that I need to continue to do my part. Not just today, not just until I get pregnant or have babies, but for the rest of my life. I want to take care of the body God has given to me. So, for anyone out there struggling with infertility that may be caused by an eating disorder. I do believe Fod will restore your body to health and functioning. But, we must stop abusing our bodies.

Here's to hoping that one day soon I will be here writing that my body is restored and I am ovulating...and I pray one day I get to give birth to a beautiful, healthy creation of love!

Do what scares you..it will free you!

Freedom....it's a word that I longed to become a reality in my life. I wanted freedom from perfectionism, freedom from anorexia, freedom from binging, freedom from negative thoughts, freedom from judgement, freedom from all the heavy chains that weighed me down for years. And you know what.... Today, more than ever I am experiencing that freedom!

For years, literally, I sought the advice of others suffering from eating disorders, therapists, dietitians, friends, family members, pastors, bloggers and of course good ol google. I wanted desperately to know how to find the freedom I longed for. Today, I realize that each and every person was telling me what I needed to do...and they were right...but I was too scared to do any of the things they suggested. Sure, sometimes I would implement a thing or two, but I never fully commit and I usually tweaked their advice.

Recently, I committed to following the advice I've been collecting for years...inspire of fear and this is what is leading me to true freedom. I have been following my dietitians advice. I've been getting rid of 'stinking thinking', I've been praying and reading the bible, I've been working out in moderation- approved by my dietitian, I've been being my own best friend. I am no longer a perfectionist...because no one is...even those who strive to be. Perfection is an endless goal that no one will ever be capable of achieving. Sure, I can be super thin, but I won't be healthy...that's not perfection. I can be really good at math, but I may suck at writing...that's not perfection and that's okay!

So, for anyone out ere that may be speaking answers to how to finally have freedom, here it is... Start following the advice and inner wisdom you already have! That will lead you to true freedom and it's the most beautiful thing you will ever experience!

God bless your,
Karla

God can take away ANY and EVERY pain you feel.

I read this quote today in Beth Moore's, 'Scripture and quotations from Breaking Free'. It said, 'Only God can put the pieces of our heart back together again, close up all the wounds, and bind them with a porpous bandage that protects from infection, yet keeps the heart free to inhale and exhale love.' 

I remember the day my brother, Eric, died so vividly. In fact, sometimes the whole day plays in my mind in 30 seconds and while it's been almost 2 and 1/2 years, in those moments it feels like I am living it all over again.

I remember crying for days...and feeling like my heart had been ripped apart. I remember asking God why he didn't save Eric. I knew that God could have and I asked Him why He didn't. I remember wondering if I would ever be able to go a single day without feeling the pain that pierced my heart deeper than anything ever had before.

As I said, there are days where I relive that pain and in fact, they still come fairly regularly. To be honest, they came while I was writing this and in an instant I was sobbing and my heart ached. But, as Beth Moore said, God can put the pieces of our hearts together again. While I miss Eric and my heart breaks over losing him, God has comforted me and brought me peace. He has healed my shattered heart and brings joyful memories of Eric to my mind regularly. 

No matter what you are going through or have been through, no matter how shattered your heart is, God can put your shattered heart back together. He desperately wants to do that for you. He wantes to bless you and protect you. All you have to do is allow Him to.

There is another way....

Last time I wrote, I had fallen back under the attack of negative thoughts and feelings. Since then, I have come back to the place of recovery. Over the past few weeks, I have truly been living life differently. I have been allowing myself to stretch beyond the limitations I placed in my life years ago. And you know what? I am happier! I am more at peace...even with my body. For years I struggled with overcoming eating disorder behaviors and that struggle was built upon fear. I feared letting go of the false security the eating disorder gave me. I feared letting go of the control I had over my body. I feared that I would be miserable if I gained weight, let go of dietary restrictions. I don't know about anyone else, but when I experience fear I usually run back to comforting things...rather than face it. But... I have been facing it. I have been doing what works...I have been living life differently and I have learned that it truly is possible to live without eating disorder behaviors and be happy... truly happy! Now, I want to make it a priority to share what I have learned with everyone I can. I remember for years I wanted to meet someone that was truly recovered... Not just said they were recovered, but lived a life of excessive exercise or restriction still. So, I will be here sharing my journey of true recovery. If you every have any questions or want to talk, please contact me! God bless you, Karla

Is there an end? All I want to do is binge!

Sunday was a really bad day. I literally wanted to end my life. I sobbed for hours uncontrollably. I talked to my hubby for hours and finally I felt better. Monday,I had new resolve. I again wanted to stop eating in disordered ways. But, Today, I was back to saving calories so that I could eat all the junk food I wanted. So, for breakfast I had a bagel, cream cheese, cottage cheese and a banana. Then, at noon I had a wherthers (saving calories). Then, at 6pm... I was able to binge. I ate 1/2 gallon of ice cream, 4 cookies and 2 Reese's trees. And you know what, the whole time I was trying to figure out how I could do it again tomorrow...and how the next day I could save to eat a whole bag of m&ms. So, my question is, does this ever end??? People say that the desire to binge comes from restricting. But, I do get enough calories at night. And, if I spread them out, i feel like I'm missing out. I just don't know what to do. Do I just need to accept that I Willa,ways be like this?

I wanted to kill myself

When I first started writing here, I wanted to give people hope.l. And I still do... But right now,I don't have hope. In fact, I had feelings of wanting to end my life. I am so sick of being fucked up. I am so sick of not being loved and taken care of. I feel l Ike I can't deal with life and I feel like all I do is cause my husband pain...so I want to disappear. I want to disappear so that he can have everything he wants and deserves. This is not a poor me....it's simply how I am feeling right now. For years I have tried to use food to numb me and make me feel good...well, even that's not working anymore. I keep binging more and more tring to feel good. If I give that up, how will I ever feel good? Right now, I don't see a way out and all I want to do is die.

Rambles

I remember hearing that sometimes its good to just write...even if you have no idea what to write. So, here I am....and I plan to come write often. So, here's what's going on in my mind....

I have gained a lot of weight over the past few weeks. My dietician and husband are thrilled... I am not. I feel very out of control with it and it scares me. I know it's good for me and is going to help me start ovulating again, but I just feel l Ike I'm out of control now. I always heard eating disorders are about gaining a false sense of control...guess that's true.

I have been hoarding calories during the day so that I can binge at the end of each day. I wish this wasnt true, but it is. I just can't get rid of my love of bingeing, no matter how hard I try. I don't know what to do.

I have this overwhelming fear of not being completely full and satisfied. Has anyone ever had this? Has anyone overcome this? Anyone have any ideas for me?

When did I start bingeing? I was anorexic for years.,l in and out of treatment centers.... I remember hearing a calorie is a calorie. I learned that if I ate wxyz number of calories of veggies or wxyz calories of junk food...it would have the same effect on,y weight. So, I started to let myself have everything I wanted....I wanted icecream pizza, candy, junk flood! I was able to maintain my weight because I was eating the right amount of calories, but it was mostly junk food. I would also restrict during the day so that I could eat large volumes of food at night...alone. I would have lighter meals and then when my parents went to bed, I would eat 5-6 yogurts with a bag of pretzels mixed in. The next night, I would have 3 yogurts and a bag of bagels... Yes,  a whole bag. I loved the way my stomach felt... Stuffed... Full... No more hunger. I was finally satisfied.

Like I said, know really fear not binge eating. I don't want to feel deprived. I feel so lost and like I'll never be healthy. I feel defeated and depressed.

Rewire my brain

The brain is so complex. I was just thinking today.... Does anyone else find it interesting that people with disordered eating tend to think the same thought? Talk to anyone with disordered eating and you will find that they easily connect with others with disordered eating and often comment on having the 'same brain'. I am no scientist, but I wonder if the reason disordered eaters have the same thoughts is because they have established many of the same behaviors. Now, I do believe that thoughts cause us to act, but I also believe that our actions also bring about out oughts. So, for me, when I repeat the same actions...I have the same thoughts..land the same thoughts trigger more of the same actions. Example....I binge eat, while I am bingeing I think, 'oh this is soooo good! Bingeing makes me feel so good.' now, the next time I want to feel good, and who doesn't want to feel good every day? What am I going to remember? Oh yes... My thought... Bingeing feels so good. Same goes with restricting. Example.... I restricted food intake...thought... 'I am in control. I am strong, I am unique.' Now, who doesn't want to feel these things everyday? I know I do! So, the next time I ant to feel these this... Guess what..there's that behavior again....and the ought will follow. It's a vicious cycle.

So, how can we stop this cycle? I believe that we need to rewire our brains. Our brains are made of millions (totally guessing on the number...but it's a lot) of neuro pathways. Neuro pathways are made stronger ach time a thought or behavior is repeated and soon it becomes automatic. Yep...that's how we can find ourselves bingeing with one little thought. And, that's how we can find ourselves restricting or over exercising without even thinking about it. For me, disordered eating has been happening for years, so imagine how strong those neuro pathways are! Yikes! But, they can be rewired! How? By creating new thought and new behaviors. Again, these will take time to develop and the only way to develop them is through repetition of thoughts and behaviors. So, every day I must make the choices to form those new pathways. Here's how I am going to do it today...

New thoughts:
* food is nourishing for my body. It gives me energy and regenerates healthy cells throughout each day. Food makes my body function the way God designed it to function.

* spending time with family and friends nourishes my soul. It makes me feel connected and loved.

*  being healthy, not a certain weight or size, is what is beautiful. When I am healthy I look and feel my best. My skin glows, my hair shines, and I feel alive.

* bingeing, restricting, and over exercising are destructive habits that kill body, mind and spirit.

New actions:
* when I feel the urge to binge, I will read Gods word because it nourishes my soul.
* when I feel the urge to hoard calories, I will follow the advice of my dietitian because food nourishes my body and I need it consistently throuout the day.

* when I feel stressed, I will meditate (free on iTunes!) because it brings me to the present and helps me relax.

* when I feel scared, I will pray for God is the one who is in control of everything and He loves me and will take care of me and protect me.

Purging thoughts

This is going to be so random, but it's something I feel I need right now. So, here it is...a purging of thoughts.

I am scared to stop all Ed behaviors, yet I want recovery and a full life more than anything.
Gaining weight is scary for me. I feel like I am doing something very wrong. The whole world seems to value emaciated looks, but do people realize how unhealthy eds are???

I hate being scared and sad. I want to live a life of courage, hope, and authenticity.

I miss my brother. I hate thinking about the fact that he died...by his choice. I hate that there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I often try to avoid thinking about it because there's not a damn thing I can do about it. And that kills me.

I hate that my body is still not ovulating, despite eating tons and not working out at all. Is this all for nothing?

I hate that I am still hungry eating over 2000 calories a day. Again, I feel like my body is messed up. I know a lot of women eat way more and can skip meals and say they are never hungry. I hate that my stomach is growling and I am still so hungry eating all of this.

I hate feeling like I am not really myself. I see myself, who I want to be....happy, in lov, a mom who is in love with life and her kids, a woman who is beautiful and full of energy...and I feel like I am walking around dead.

I binged on Monday night. I ate a whole 1/2 gallon of ice cream. After it, I never wanted to binge again. Yesterday, I ate well, but I wanted so badly to binge. For me, I always want to do it one more time. But, there never seems to be a last time. I always want to do it again. Why? Bingeing makes me feel in control and happy. It gives me intense pleasure and excitement. I love the sugar rush...but it doesn't solve my problems and it doesn't get me where I want to be in life. So... Maybe I need to start doing things that give me pleasure and excitement and are aligned with my goals... But what? I hate to admit this, but to me nothing feels as good as bingeing.

I feel guilty for not working out, but at the same time I love it. I have never loved exercise...so this break is actually what I want and enjoy, but I feel guilty because in my mind I am a fat, lazy, slob for not working out.

I wish I knew how to fully recover. Part of me just wants to go way to inpatient treatment. I've been through programs before. I guess I want to go away because it's my escape from life. In treatment, recovery is happening. I am well taken care of. People coddle me and help me. In treatment, I am safe and I am forced to take care of myself. I have to follow a healthy meal plan. I am not allowed to workout. I have to gain to a healthier bmi (even though mines not really low now). I get therapy and support 24-7. I am surrounds by inspiring women who become true friends and who are genuine. In treatment, I feel like I am becoming the woman I want to be. Basically, in treatment I feel forced to do recovery...which is really what I want, and I don't have to own it...they make me do it. So, I don't have the guilt of choosing recovery. I don't have the guilt of eating, not exercising, gaining to a weight bigger than society thinks women should be. I am able to live the life I want without guilt when I am inpatient. The reality is, I go to therapy now. I go to a dietitian and have a meal plan...but I feel guilt for living recovery. Plus, there's no bubble of support and protection like inpatient.

God, I need you! I need you to change my heart. God, I need you to be my support and protection. God, I want to live a life that is fearless. I want to live a healthy happy life and stop living this life of half assed recovery. God, I want to feel alive and stop trying to life how the work tells me I should live. God, I beg you to help me!

Don't take our eyes off God

This is the message I received last nigh... Don take your eyes off God. To be honest, I've hear that a time or two before, but last night, I got it. I cannot take my eyes off of God. For when I do, I feel scared, tempted, depressed, and hopeless.

This week, my husband is away at hunting camp with his dad. I knew this was coming because it's a yearly occurrence. Well, last week, I had the thought, 'I can binge all week while hubby is say!' I got excitebegan immediately began planning my binges. Last night, when I was going to bed, I realized what I was doing. I was falling into disordered eating again. I was giving myself permission to sin. I was telling myself it was okay to sin, 'one more time.' but... It's not okay. Sin is sin. There is no difference, in Gods eyes whether we engage in disordered eating (make food/ exercise our idol) or murder someone. Would we ever say, 'it's okay that he/she murdered someone...they just had to do it one last time and now they stopped? Of course not! Well, my planning to binge was no different.

I spent ime reading the bible last night and found this...
'BLESSED is ANYONE who ENDURES temptation.' James1:12
     Who doesn't want to be blessed? What blessings have you been asking for? When I read this, I thought, 'I want to be blessed!' God is the ultimate truth... His word is His promise to us. If I endure temptation, I will be blessed!

I continued to read James 1:13-16...
'no one when tempted should say I am being tempted by God: for God cannot be tempted by evil and He himself tempts no one. But, ONE is TEMPTED BY ONES OWN DESIRE, BEING LURED AND ENTICED BY IT; THEN, WHEN THAT DESIRE HAD CONCEIVED IT GIVES BIRTH TO SIN, AND THAT SIN, WHEN IT IS FULLY GOWN, GIVES BIRTH TO DEATH. DO NOT BE DECEIVED MY BELOVED.'
     What was causing my desire to binge? My own desires. I wanted to feel full. I wanted to give myself a lot of pleasurable food. My desires for fulfillment and pleasure are not sinful.... They are from God. But, when I take my eyes off of God, when I turn to my own desires alone, they breed sin.

James 1:21
'Therefore, rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls. But, be doers of the word and not merely hearers who deceive themselves.'
     We must rid ourslves of our sins and welcome God's word into our lives. We must live his word and not just listen to it and read it. I have listened for years without action and yes, it makes you feel good, but it doesn't change your life. Change takes action!

I must keep my eyes on God. So, I made a plan for the week. I made a plan for what I need to get at the grocery store. I made a plan to give myself pleasure in Godly ways (listening to music, pinterest projects!, going to the bookstore, yoga, hot tub, time with friends, prayer).

Our desires are not evil, but if we focus only on them, the devil has a way of running wild with them and causing us to sin. But, when we keep our eyes on God, we can see those desires more clearly, we can appreciate them and meet them in Godly ways. And, when we do this inspire of temptation to sin, we will be blessed! God promises us that we will be blessed!
   

There's so much more to life than striving for a 'perfect' body

For years, I as so caught up in trying to achieve a 'perfect' body. I counted every calorie. I weighed every morsel of food. I worked out like many disordered 'healthy living' bloggers and my head was consumed with fears of gaining weight, eating out of control, etc.

Today, I sit here SO thankful that my mindset is changing. There is so much more to life than trying to have a perfect body, eating healthy, working out.

There is life! There is ... cooking dinner without caring how many calories is in it, following a recipe without substitutions because it tastes great and enjoying that meal with someone you love. There is ...not feeling guilty for not running and instead realizing that you are an active person just by going about your daily activities and enjoying a few nice walks a week. There is ...buying new clothes and instead of Feeling like you are letting yourself go, you realize and celebrate that your actually freeing yourself. You are freeing yourself to live a full life. You are freeing yourself to truly be healthy.

Today, I am so happy that I no longer beat myself up (physically or emotionally). Over the past wek, i realized that i was looking to healthy living bloggers (many who i believe have disordered eating/unhealthy relationships with workingout/their bodies) to tell me what
 Was best for my body. I am so happy for this realization because it is NOT how i am going to live my life. I have dreams, goals, and a beautiful life that i want to fully participate in. So, If you want me to tell you that it's great to workout to the point that your menstral cycles are irregular, or that you are fatigued all the time, or if you want me to tell you that you should eat clean all the time...I won't. Those are lies! The truth is, we are women. We are suppose to look like women..l.not starved, overstrained women but real women! Today, celebrate who you are, define who you are becoming and live life!