I wanted to kill myself

When I first started writing here, I wanted to give people hope.l. And I still do... But right now,I don't have hope. In fact, I had feelings of wanting to end my life. I am so sick of being fucked up. I am so sick of not being loved and taken care of. I feel l Ike I can't deal with life and I feel like all I do is cause my husband pain...so I want to disappear. I want to disappear so that he can have everything he wants and deserves. This is not a poor me....it's simply how I am feeling right now. For years I have tried to use food to numb me and make me feel good...well, even that's not working anymore. I keep binging more and more tring to feel good. If I give that up, how will I ever feel good? Right now, I don't see a way out and all I want to do is die.

Rambles

I remember hearing that sometimes its good to just write...even if you have no idea what to write. So, here I am....and I plan to come write often. So, here's what's going on in my mind....

I have gained a lot of weight over the past few weeks. My dietician and husband are thrilled... I am not. I feel very out of control with it and it scares me. I know it's good for me and is going to help me start ovulating again, but I just feel l Ike I'm out of control now. I always heard eating disorders are about gaining a false sense of control...guess that's true.

I have been hoarding calories during the day so that I can binge at the end of each day. I wish this wasnt true, but it is. I just can't get rid of my love of bingeing, no matter how hard I try. I don't know what to do.

I have this overwhelming fear of not being completely full and satisfied. Has anyone ever had this? Has anyone overcome this? Anyone have any ideas for me?

When did I start bingeing? I was anorexic for years.,l in and out of treatment centers.... I remember hearing a calorie is a calorie. I learned that if I ate wxyz number of calories of veggies or wxyz calories of junk food...it would have the same effect on,y weight. So, I started to let myself have everything I wanted....I wanted icecream pizza, candy, junk flood! I was able to maintain my weight because I was eating the right amount of calories, but it was mostly junk food. I would also restrict during the day so that I could eat large volumes of food at night...alone. I would have lighter meals and then when my parents went to bed, I would eat 5-6 yogurts with a bag of pretzels mixed in. The next night, I would have 3 yogurts and a bag of bagels... Yes,  a whole bag. I loved the way my stomach felt... Stuffed... Full... No more hunger. I was finally satisfied.

Like I said, know really fear not binge eating. I don't want to feel deprived. I feel so lost and like I'll never be healthy. I feel defeated and depressed.

Rewire my brain

The brain is so complex. I was just thinking today.... Does anyone else find it interesting that people with disordered eating tend to think the same thought? Talk to anyone with disordered eating and you will find that they easily connect with others with disordered eating and often comment on having the 'same brain'. I am no scientist, but I wonder if the reason disordered eaters have the same thoughts is because they have established many of the same behaviors. Now, I do believe that thoughts cause us to act, but I also believe that our actions also bring about out oughts. So, for me, when I repeat the same actions...I have the same thoughts..land the same thoughts trigger more of the same actions. Example....I binge eat, while I am bingeing I think, 'oh this is soooo good! Bingeing makes me feel so good.' now, the next time I want to feel good, and who doesn't want to feel good every day? What am I going to remember? Oh yes... My thought... Bingeing feels so good. Same goes with restricting. Example.... I restricted food intake...thought... 'I am in control. I am strong, I am unique.' Now, who doesn't want to feel these things everyday? I know I do! So, the next time I ant to feel these this... Guess what..there's that behavior again....and the ought will follow. It's a vicious cycle.

So, how can we stop this cycle? I believe that we need to rewire our brains. Our brains are made of millions (totally guessing on the number...but it's a lot) of neuro pathways. Neuro pathways are made stronger ach time a thought or behavior is repeated and soon it becomes automatic. Yep...that's how we can find ourselves bingeing with one little thought. And, that's how we can find ourselves restricting or over exercising without even thinking about it. For me, disordered eating has been happening for years, so imagine how strong those neuro pathways are! Yikes! But, they can be rewired! How? By creating new thought and new behaviors. Again, these will take time to develop and the only way to develop them is through repetition of thoughts and behaviors. So, every day I must make the choices to form those new pathways. Here's how I am going to do it today...

New thoughts:
* food is nourishing for my body. It gives me energy and regenerates healthy cells throughout each day. Food makes my body function the way God designed it to function.

* spending time with family and friends nourishes my soul. It makes me feel connected and loved.

*  being healthy, not a certain weight or size, is what is beautiful. When I am healthy I look and feel my best. My skin glows, my hair shines, and I feel alive.

* bingeing, restricting, and over exercising are destructive habits that kill body, mind and spirit.

New actions:
* when I feel the urge to binge, I will read Gods word because it nourishes my soul.
* when I feel the urge to hoard calories, I will follow the advice of my dietitian because food nourishes my body and I need it consistently throuout the day.

* when I feel stressed, I will meditate (free on iTunes!) because it brings me to the present and helps me relax.

* when I feel scared, I will pray for God is the one who is in control of everything and He loves me and will take care of me and protect me.

Purging thoughts

This is going to be so random, but it's something I feel I need right now. So, here it is...a purging of thoughts.

I am scared to stop all Ed behaviors, yet I want recovery and a full life more than anything.
Gaining weight is scary for me. I feel like I am doing something very wrong. The whole world seems to value emaciated looks, but do people realize how unhealthy eds are???

I hate being scared and sad. I want to live a life of courage, hope, and authenticity.

I miss my brother. I hate thinking about the fact that he died...by his choice. I hate that there is nothing I can do to change what happened. I often try to avoid thinking about it because there's not a damn thing I can do about it. And that kills me.

I hate that my body is still not ovulating, despite eating tons and not working out at all. Is this all for nothing?

I hate that I am still hungry eating over 2000 calories a day. Again, I feel like my body is messed up. I know a lot of women eat way more and can skip meals and say they are never hungry. I hate that my stomach is growling and I am still so hungry eating all of this.

I hate feeling like I am not really myself. I see myself, who I want to be....happy, in lov, a mom who is in love with life and her kids, a woman who is beautiful and full of energy...and I feel like I am walking around dead.

I binged on Monday night. I ate a whole 1/2 gallon of ice cream. After it, I never wanted to binge again. Yesterday, I ate well, but I wanted so badly to binge. For me, I always want to do it one more time. But, there never seems to be a last time. I always want to do it again. Why? Bingeing makes me feel in control and happy. It gives me intense pleasure and excitement. I love the sugar rush...but it doesn't solve my problems and it doesn't get me where I want to be in life. So... Maybe I need to start doing things that give me pleasure and excitement and are aligned with my goals... But what? I hate to admit this, but to me nothing feels as good as bingeing.

I feel guilty for not working out, but at the same time I love it. I have never loved exercise...so this break is actually what I want and enjoy, but I feel guilty because in my mind I am a fat, lazy, slob for not working out.

I wish I knew how to fully recover. Part of me just wants to go way to inpatient treatment. I've been through programs before. I guess I want to go away because it's my escape from life. In treatment, recovery is happening. I am well taken care of. People coddle me and help me. In treatment, I am safe and I am forced to take care of myself. I have to follow a healthy meal plan. I am not allowed to workout. I have to gain to a healthier bmi (even though mines not really low now). I get therapy and support 24-7. I am surrounds by inspiring women who become true friends and who are genuine. In treatment, I feel like I am becoming the woman I want to be. Basically, in treatment I feel forced to do recovery...which is really what I want, and I don't have to own it...they make me do it. So, I don't have the guilt of choosing recovery. I don't have the guilt of eating, not exercising, gaining to a weight bigger than society thinks women should be. I am able to live the life I want without guilt when I am inpatient. The reality is, I go to therapy now. I go to a dietitian and have a meal plan...but I feel guilt for living recovery. Plus, there's no bubble of support and protection like inpatient.

God, I need you! I need you to change my heart. God, I need you to be my support and protection. God, I want to live a life that is fearless. I want to live a healthy happy life and stop living this life of half assed recovery. God, I want to feel alive and stop trying to life how the work tells me I should live. God, I beg you to help me!

Don't take our eyes off God

This is the message I received last nigh... Don take your eyes off God. To be honest, I've hear that a time or two before, but last night, I got it. I cannot take my eyes off of God. For when I do, I feel scared, tempted, depressed, and hopeless.

This week, my husband is away at hunting camp with his dad. I knew this was coming because it's a yearly occurrence. Well, last week, I had the thought, 'I can binge all week while hubby is say!' I got excitebegan immediately began planning my binges. Last night, when I was going to bed, I realized what I was doing. I was falling into disordered eating again. I was giving myself permission to sin. I was telling myself it was okay to sin, 'one more time.' but... It's not okay. Sin is sin. There is no difference, in Gods eyes whether we engage in disordered eating (make food/ exercise our idol) or murder someone. Would we ever say, 'it's okay that he/she murdered someone...they just had to do it one last time and now they stopped? Of course not! Well, my planning to binge was no different.

I spent ime reading the bible last night and found this...
'BLESSED is ANYONE who ENDURES temptation.' James1:12
     Who doesn't want to be blessed? What blessings have you been asking for? When I read this, I thought, 'I want to be blessed!' God is the ultimate truth... His word is His promise to us. If I endure temptation, I will be blessed!

I continued to read James 1:13-16...
'no one when tempted should say I am being tempted by God: for God cannot be tempted by evil and He himself tempts no one. But, ONE is TEMPTED BY ONES OWN DESIRE, BEING LURED AND ENTICED BY IT; THEN, WHEN THAT DESIRE HAD CONCEIVED IT GIVES BIRTH TO SIN, AND THAT SIN, WHEN IT IS FULLY GOWN, GIVES BIRTH TO DEATH. DO NOT BE DECEIVED MY BELOVED.'
     What was causing my desire to binge? My own desires. I wanted to feel full. I wanted to give myself a lot of pleasurable food. My desires for fulfillment and pleasure are not sinful.... They are from God. But, when I take my eyes off of God, when I turn to my own desires alone, they breed sin.

James 1:21
'Therefore, rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls. But, be doers of the word and not merely hearers who deceive themselves.'
     We must rid ourslves of our sins and welcome God's word into our lives. We must live his word and not just listen to it and read it. I have listened for years without action and yes, it makes you feel good, but it doesn't change your life. Change takes action!

I must keep my eyes on God. So, I made a plan for the week. I made a plan for what I need to get at the grocery store. I made a plan to give myself pleasure in Godly ways (listening to music, pinterest projects!, going to the bookstore, yoga, hot tub, time with friends, prayer).

Our desires are not evil, but if we focus only on them, the devil has a way of running wild with them and causing us to sin. But, when we keep our eyes on God, we can see those desires more clearly, we can appreciate them and meet them in Godly ways. And, when we do this inspire of temptation to sin, we will be blessed! God promises us that we will be blessed!
   

There's so much more to life than striving for a 'perfect' body

For years, I as so caught up in trying to achieve a 'perfect' body. I counted every calorie. I weighed every morsel of food. I worked out like many disordered 'healthy living' bloggers and my head was consumed with fears of gaining weight, eating out of control, etc.

Today, I sit here SO thankful that my mindset is changing. There is so much more to life than trying to have a perfect body, eating healthy, working out.

There is life! There is ... cooking dinner without caring how many calories is in it, following a recipe without substitutions because it tastes great and enjoying that meal with someone you love. There is ...not feeling guilty for not running and instead realizing that you are an active person just by going about your daily activities and enjoying a few nice walks a week. There is ...buying new clothes and instead of Feeling like you are letting yourself go, you realize and celebrate that your actually freeing yourself. You are freeing yourself to live a full life. You are freeing yourself to truly be healthy.

Today, I am so happy that I no longer beat myself up (physically or emotionally). Over the past wek, i realized that i was looking to healthy living bloggers (many who i believe have disordered eating/unhealthy relationships with workingout/their bodies) to tell me what
 Was best for my body. I am so happy for this realization because it is NOT how i am going to live my life. I have dreams, goals, and a beautiful life that i want to fully participate in. So, If you want me to tell you that it's great to workout to the point that your menstral cycles are irregular, or that you are fatigued all the time, or if you want me to tell you that you should eat clean all the time...I won't. Those are lies! The truth is, we are women. We are suppose to look like women..l.not starved, overstrained women but real women! Today, celebrate who you are, define who you are becoming and live life!

We can stop restricting, bingeing, purging, calorie counting, etc!

It's been a while since I wrote here, but I have been journalist and talking with people a ton.do you ever feel like you spend too much time trying to figure out why you binge, restrict, purge, calorie count, etc? I have felt like this in the past. I spen a lot of time really trying to figure out why I did it. Now, I realize that was one way of staying in the disorder. For me, when I was busy trying to figure it all out, I wasn't active in stopping the behaviors and for me stopping behaviors HAD to happen in order to start really recovering. When we still engage in behaviors, we allow ourselves to continue the disorder.

Now, I do believe I know many of the reasons why I engaged in Ed behaviors. I wanted to feel in control. I wanted to give myself pleasure and make myself feel good. I wanted to feel special and unique. I wanted to feel the comfort it gave to me. Basically, I wanted to feel really great feelings. Heck, I still do! Doesn't everyone? But, we must remember that the feelings the Ed behaviors give us are fleeting and ey come with real, severe consequences. Sure, some may think... Big deal, I calculate very morsel of food I put in my mouth. It controls my weight and I look and feel great. But, I dare o ask what this is doing to your social and emotional health.

Over the past few weeks, I have learned that there will be times when I want to binge, restrict, calorie count, etc. but, I must choose not to engage in those behaviors. Because, each time we engage in behaviors, it strengthens that habit. So, if I want to live a life free of bingeing, restricting, calorie counting...then, I need to continually be binge, restricting and calorie counting free.

There were a couple times this week when I wanted to save calories to binge, but I literally had to tell myself NO! (loudly) and make the choice to do the right thing.

I do believe that everyone can recover from disordered eating. I believe that the people who don't recover are the ones who truly don't want to fully live without it. I know that was true for me for many years. Yes, I said I wanted to recover, but I wanted half-assed recovery. I wanted to feel good, be normal, have positive thoughts, etc. but I still wanted to control my food and my body. Thank God I am now living with a much different mindset. I want to remain Ed free forever and I know that means choosing recovery. I believe the more we choose it, the more it will just become life and no longer be recovery.

So, for anyone wondering if people can stop engaging in Ed thoughts and behaviors....YES!!!!!!!

Gratitude:
I am greatful for my amazing husband. I adore him!
I am greatful for the time I spent with my niece and nephew yesterday.
I am greatful for God!
I am greatful for the gorgeous day yesterday.
I am greatful for peace.

Prayers:
I pray for those who don't know God and have a relationship with Him to come to know Him.
I pray that God blesses hubby and I with a healthy pregnancy and a beautiful, healthy baby. (soon..he he )
I pray for God to guide us in choosing a president that will show God glory.
I pray for all children who are being mistreate, physically and emotionally. I pray that they see God in others and know His love for them.
I pray for the sick that they will be healed.

Sometimes all I want to do is binge

Ahhhhh! For the past few days...ummm maybe years....all I have wanted to do is binge. I don't know why. I wish I did. But I don't. I eat plenty throuout the day but it doesn't seem to matter. I still want to stuff myself with food. I feel like no one understands. I feel so alone in all of this and I wonder if I'll ever overcome it.

I did hear something yesterday on a Joyce meyers podcast that I liked. She said that we often want to get from where we are to where we want to be without having to go through what we need to go through to get there. I did wonder of that's how I'm feeling about binge eating/being healthy. I have been allowing myself to binge for years. Now, I want to stop bingeing and live without any eating dosoder (note... I don't want to be what many consider 'healthy'... Meaning I don't want to restrict, eat a diet meal plan, eat paleo, eat only superfoods, etc.). I want to eat when I'm hungy, stop when I am full, eat foods I like to eat... Including cupcakes, ice cream, butter, bread, etc. but...I am having a REALLY hard time with the inbetween. I mean, I am having trouble with still having the STRONG urges to binge, but not giving into them. I'll be honest, I have been giving into them a lot. I find that I just can't stop myself from doing it. I constantly think about when I can binge and even if I'm planning not to binge, the minute I see an opportunity to do it, like when hubby is going to be away for the night, I immediately seize the opportunity and binge. I search endlessly for a way to stop, but I can't find the answer. Nothing seems to work. I am so frustrated!

Ed is killing you every time you choose to follow him.

Good morning! It is freezing here in pa! Brrr! Hubby and I like to sleep with the ceiling fan on, because I love snuggling under blankets and hubby acts as a great little heater, but when he leaves for work... Brrrr! I'm not ready for cold weather. I am a total summer girl. I love sweltering heat! :)

So, I am still reading Women, Food, and God, and I am agreeing with so much of what the author is writing. Again, I want to share these thoughts. Then, either today or tomorrow, I want to write about more of my personal thoughts, where I am at, what happening in my life, etc. so, without further ado, here we go. *again, please excuse any and all misspellings. Typing this on the iPad and sometimes I type to fast for it to catch up and it misses letters/words, or it autocorrects and causes it to write what I didn't type. Thanks!

1. We all have a 'voice' inside of us. For those with disordered eating, that is what our voice tends to focus on. It focuses on all of the rules of eating, dieting, working out, etc. When we are still engaged in eating disorder behavior, we are very afraid of the disapproval of the voice a.k.a Ed. We punish ourselves for daring to believe that our lives could be different. We become risk aversive. We become scard to death of change. The voice a.k.a Ed steps in whenever we want to challenge the status quo. Can I get an amen? I find this with myself. When I was young, I was definitely a people pleaser. I wanted to please my parents and while I often thought some of their parenting techniques/ lifestyle choices were off, I was scared to question the status quo....even though I knew the way I was treated was wrong.  I'm not completely sure when or why it happened, but at some point in my life, I went from wanting to please my parents to wanting to please the voice inside of me. I wanted to do everything to please Ed. He gave me a list of rules and regulations and I did everything in my power to follow them. Years later, I am able to recogniz that Ed does not have my best interest in mind either. But, I find hat it is still hard and very scary to change. Whenever I try to take steps to change my life, fully recover, Ed is right there stepping in again. Now, I no longer do exactly what he tells me to do, but he is still there trying to win me back and manipulating my thoughts which at times can cause me to engage in behavior that appears in line with recovery, but is still following Ed. For example, during an appointment with my dietitian, she encouraged me to 'give it up once and for all'. She wants me to gain the remaining weight to get to a bmi that is optimal for conceiving. Immediately, Ed pointed out that I am at a healthy bmi and I eat all the calories I need to maintain my  weight. See, my dietitian was challenging my status quo (which is not allowing hubby and I to concieve despite bing at a 'healthy bmi') and Ed immediately stepped in telling me that I am healthy because a chart says so. Wrong-o Ed. I am not ovulating, despite what the weight chart says. Therefore, this is not a healthy weight for my body!!! Am I afraid of change, you bet I am. I wish I weren't, but I am. I have lived a life of also safety and security for years...years!!! Life has passed me by with me watching from the sidelines, to busy calculating, manipulating, focusing on Ed to live. I agree with the dietitian. It is time to totally let to. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be scared that my life will be worse off, Ed wants me to believe that, bu deep down, I don't believe that's true.

2. Ed's main warning is: don't cross the line, maintain the status quo. Ed usurps your strength, passion, and energy and turns them against you. Ed's intent is to keep you from being thrown out of whatever it perceives to be the circle of love and safety. Again, yes, yes, YES! How many times a day does Ed tell us not to cross the line. Not to follow doctors orders. Not to gain weight. Not to cut back on exercise. Not to challenge him. Not to change. We all have strength, passion, and energy. But, Ed takes all of that and forces us to use it to destroy ourselves and the lives we are meant o be living. I do agree that when we developed Ed, we did so to in some way protect ourselves (unconsciously). That is why Ed continues to try to keep us from being thrown from what we feel is safe. We believe our eds keep us safe from the bad inks in this world. But, it's a false sense of security. For me, my real security comes from God.

3. Ed renders you incapable of contacting your own authority. It treats you like a child in need of a moral compass, but its due north does not include any terrain that is fresh, new and alive. Have you ever felt that, even when Ed is screaming in your ear, you knew what YOU wanted and needed. Do to live a full life? I sure have. But, Ed does indeed tell me that I am incapable of making good decisions. He tells me that my ways are not good for me and will lead to misery. I can't help but think of other bloggers to need to gain weight, but Ed won't let them. They know what is good for them. They know  that full recovery is not possible without weight restoration, but Ed convinces them time and again that they need him to be their guide. Where has Ed lead us though? Has he led us to happiness and fulfillment? No! Ed never leads us to a new, full life, he keeps asking us on the same roads... Death, destruction, depression, loneliness, fear. It's time we become our own authority and use the compass that leads to a full life.

4. Freedom comes when we hear Ed ramble and posture and lecture and we don't believe a word of it. I love this. If we want to be truly free, we must stop believing and acting on what Ed says. So, I can hear Ed tell me, 'youre at a healthy bmi. You don't want to get to where the dietitian wants you to be. That's not the lowest you can be while still being healthy. You will be a failure at healthy living. Your husband surly won't find you attractive. You are so toned now, you don't want to lose all of that. Plus, do you really want a baby? You'll be a horrible mom. You are so messed up. You are selfish. You are a lunatic. You have no friends. You are so ugly. Your getting so old. If you cut back on exercise, you are going to be even more lazy than you already are. Bloggers who are pregnant work out ten times more than you do. You are lazy!' and on and on and on. So, freedom comes when I am able to hear all of this and disengage from Ed. I have access to myself and everything that Ed supposedly offers- clarity, intelligence, true discernment, strength, value, joy, compassion, curiosity, love. Nothing is wrong because there is no perfectly right to which to compare it. When I stop responding to the continual comments, from Ed, about my weight, value, existence... When I no longer believe that anyone, especially Ed, knows what's supposed to be happening, simple facts remain. When I release myself from Ed, I suddenly realize how long I've been mistaking Ed's death grip for my life.

5. Listening to and engaging in the antics of Ed keeps you outside of yourself. It keeps you bound, ashamed, anxious, panicked. No real or lasting change can ever occur as long as you are kneeling at the alter of Ed. How many times have you said that you wanted to change? How many times have you said that you want to recover? I have said these things for the past 14 years! And, yes, I have made significant changes. I am no longer in physical danger, and I haven't been for many, many years. But, I am still controlled by Ed. Is truth sparks to my heart.... I will NEVER be free. I will NEVER experience the real and lasting change a.k.a freedom from Ed UNTIL I stop kneeling at his alter. I will write more soon about how I am no longer kneeling at Ed's alter!

I would love to hear your thought and feelings about this or anything else that's on your mind in the comment section.

More recovery thoughts

Well, once again, I've been spending a lot of time reading and thinking and I want to share some random thought that have come up over the past couple of days.

1. Eds and prolonged attempts at half attempted recovery are an investment in brokenness. They are a constant attempt to fix ourselves. If we believe that our constant job is to fix ourselves, we will keep finding more places to fix.

2. When we no longer believe that engaging in Ed behavior will save us from feeling exhausted or overwhelmed or out of control, or lonely, we will stop. When we believe in God, and in who God says we are as people, more than we believe in Ed, we will stop using Ed as if it were our only way not to fall apart. Now, I think it's important to realize here that, again, we can't simply sit back and wait to feel this way and expect Ed behaviors to just stop. Action comes first. We have to walk in faith of recovery while we learn to stop believing and relying on Ed.

3. To be given wings, we must believe we were put on this earth for more than our endless attempts to maintain a 'perfect body'. We must believe goodness and loveliness are possible.

4. When I have a desire to binge, at that moment I am believing the lie that, 'Food is the only true pleasure in life so I might as well eat.' obviously, this is not true! But, it is a lie I've told myself for years.

5. another lie I've told myself is, 'If I don't control what I eat and how much I workout, I will never be the best that I can be.'

6. Feelings don't destroy us. It's what we tell ourselves about the feelings. It's that we perceive a present-day feeling through historical eyes-eyes of a child.

7. When we have urges to engage in Ed behavior, it is beneficial for us to spend time checking in with ourselves, ask yourself what you are feeling, where is that feeling coming from, what belief do you associate with those feelings? I tried this and here is a belief that comes up A LOT... I believe that if I am pretty enough, thin enough, strong enough- I will be lovable and my husband will never want to look at or be with another woman. I believe that the reason men look at or want women ore than their wives/girlfriends is because they are not enough (yet are too must to handle all at the same time). I learned this as a child. My dad often talked about wanting a prettier woman than my mom... A thinner woman, who wasn't a 'bitch'. As a child, this made me feel scared, fearful of being abandoned, out of control. This is a belief that I carry around and fear daily. And no matter how hard I try to overcome it, I can't.

8. When we are given a meal plan or exercise plan to follow, we believe that if we are faithful to the plan, we will find peace from the relentless self hatred caused by Ed.

9. Engaging in Ed behavior shows that we believe that chaos is imminent and steps need to be taken (engaging in Ed), now to minimize the impact of chaos.

10. We believe that if we limit our body size, we can limit our suffering. If we limit our suffering, we can control our lives. We can make sure bad things don't happen. We can stop chaos.

11. We believe that if less of us shows up, less will get hurt. Upwelling believe that if we cut ourselves off at e knees, we won't have far to fall when someone else brings out a sword. Eating less/exercising more- being thin is equated with being safe.

12. We believe that in life, there is not enough of what we need to go around. We fear we won't get what we need. We react to this belief by depriving ourselves before we can be deprived or storing up before the love/attention runs out.

13. We often use childhood defenses, as adults, to protect ourselves from losses that already happened in our lives. We need to believe that, as adults, we have a plethora of choices and skills to keep us safe... We don't need Ed!

14. When we use defenses (Ed behaviors), that we developed years ago, we freeze ourselves in the past. We lose touch with reality, and we live a lie.

15. For those with Ed, wanting is scary.... To them, wanting means losing control.

16. We need to discover who we are taking ourselves to be. Is it a young child who believes she needs to manage her environment so that everyone will be happy and she will be safe? When we understand that we are taking ourselves to be a child, who no longer exists, we become aware of what does exist. We can start living.

17. Labels- such as anorexic, bulimic, over eater, orthopedic, etc. can become excuses for not taking action... For not recovering... For not truly living life you were destined to live. We start believing e lies... 'I am ridgid about what I eat because I am anorexic and like structure.' 'I binge because I am trying to fill a void.' while these may be true, we cannot let them become excuses for not living.

18. People utterly focused on food and weight never consider that they are ignoring the most obvious solution. We tell ourselves the answer is out there and our job is to keep looking (keep searching for how to be perfect, how to fully recover, how to do it all just right), to never give up until we find a solution. We use the hunt for answers to abdicate personal responsibility-and with it- any semblance of power for our relationship with food and weight.

19. Freedom from Ed does not only come from what you do, living recovery, but it also comes from knowing who you are. It's about recognizing what sustains you and what exhausts you. What you love and what you think you love because you believe you can't have it.

We'll... Those are all my thoughts for now. What do you think? I would love to hear your insight!

*these thoughts came from 'women, food, and God'

Meal favorites

Call me a dork, if you want but I love doing thes. Haha

BREAKFAST

.

1. Favorite cereal as a child?

I loved Golden Grahams. Confession... I was never a fan of fruity cereals like trix or fruit loops and I didn't like things with marshmallows either like lucky charms. It was pretty much just golden grahams when I did eat cereal. But, does anyone remember the chocolate peanut butter carnation instant breakfast bars. Seriously, that all I wanted to eat for breakfast everyday as a kid.

2. Coffee or Tea? With milk or without?

I love the smell of coffee, but I can't stand the taste. I always have wanted to like it, along with beer, but gag! I do like hit tea thought. Just sugar no milk. 

3. The one food you eat most often at breakfast?

I almost always have a banana and cottage cheese with strawberry jelly mixed into it along with my other breakfast items.

LUNCH

1. Sandwiches are generally considered a “lunch food.” If you had to choose between a grilled cheese and a peanut butter and jelly, which would you pick?

Hmmm... That's a hard choice to make. I really like both...grilled cheese with ketchup and pb and j with strawberry jelly. 

2. You can only put four ingredients in your salad (not including greens); what do you throw in the mix? Additionally, which greens and dressing do you pick?

Taco seasoned meat, crushed up Doritos, cheese, and creamy Italian = taco salad!

3. One food you can’t live without at lunch?

I tend to really mix up my food for lunch, but one thing I need is some h2o to wash down my delicious eats.

DINNER

1. It’s the end of the day. You’re tired, hungry, and your fridge is empty. If a fast food (from a chain) is your only option, where do you go and what do you order?

Chipotle all the way! I always get a chicken burrito with mild salsa and lettuce and yes I eat the whole humongous burrito every-single-time.

2. TV/computer on or off while you’re eating?

For breakfast and lunch, i am always doning solo, so I always have my iPad on. But, for dinner it's nothing. I just like to enjoy eating with hubby!

3. The one food you eat most often at dinner?

Broccoli and cheese as a side dish. Mmm. Can't get enough of that stuff lately.

DESSERT

1. Choose between these two American desserts: cheesecake or apple pie?

I am a huge fan of both, but if my life depended on choosing only one, I would go with cheesecake.

2. Choose between these two foreign desserts: tiramisu (Italy) or flan (Spain)?

Neither! I don't like coffee and flan just looks nasty to me.

3. Ice cream: cone or cup?

I get a cup because my ice cream is almost alway a blizzard from dq or a pint of Ben and Jerry's!

Recovery thoughts

For the past few days, I've spent a lot of time really thinking about Ed and Ed recovery and what it is, exactly, that I want out of life. So many random thoughts are spinning in my head and I need to get them out so, here they are.

1. I am realizing that there are more changes I need to make if I want to have a baby. I make sure that I eat more than enough every day to meet my body's needs and I am proud of that. But, I am realizing, after talking to Mallory! Who has an AMAZING blog http://ifgravityhappens.wordpress.com/
that I may want to try making some more changes to icrease my chances.

2. I still struggle with the desire to binge sometimes. I read this and it was how I've felt, 'The sight of the Hostess Sno Ball turned the world into a riot of colors.' I can remember telling my therapist that binging, for me, was like having my own little party. The same author also said, 'I turned to food for the same reasons that people turn to God: it was my sigh of ecstasy, my transport to heaven, my concrete proof that relief from everyday life was possible.' I feel this is the way it is for many with any kind of Ed. Ed gives us relief from life and we turn to Ed behaviors to experience relief, pleasure, etc.

3. Ed behaviors are used in an attempt to control the world. We believe that because we are x, y, and z, bad thing have happens, are happening, or are going to happen. So, we use Ed to try to stop, prevent, or numb ourselves from those things.

4. When we make the choice to stop engaging in Ed behavior (or just dieting behavior for those who don't suffer from a diagnosed Ed, but who have dieted or over exercise, etc.) it often feels like we are breaking some sacred promise that goes against everything we believe is right. It's like breaking a promise that we feel we are never supposed to break. But, the reality is that we made those promises when we were sick. Ed made those promises! Breaking them is the right thing to do!

5. I believe that in a way, recovery happens when we stop trying to fix ourselves. Now, I don't mean that we shouldn't get professional help, follow advice of doctors and dietitians, or work on therapy. What I mean is, we need to stop fighting with our true selves. I remember in the throws of Ed, I knew I didn't really want to do half the things I as doing. Recovery happens when we stop fighting with that inner part of us, that although it may buried, it is there. We must stop fighting with ourselves, stop blaming ourselves, and start listening to our true selves.

6. As long as we are living in that I between stage of recovery (where we are only doing it half way... Maybe therapy work without weight restoration, maybe diagnosed but still engaging in behaviors...etc.) we have something to strive for, to push towards (recovery). We know we have a purpose. We are someone who is working hard. We don't have to feel lost or hopeless because we have a goal. But, at what cost? It is a false sense of purpose we have created. Again, we are not really living but nearly existing. It's time to fully recover and really live life!

7. In attempting to recover, sometimes we become so obsessed with getting rid of Ed that we lose the pieces of ourselves that can be discovered.what I mean is, we focus so much on researching the best ways to recover, how others recovered, what are the perfect foods to eat while recovering, etc. that we don't take time to listen to our true selves. We become to busy listening to everyone lose. Again, don't let Ed twist what I am saying. Do not confuse listening to your true self for listening to Ed.

8. The relentless attempts we make to become or stay thin or toned or whatever perfection we are trying to obtain, are taking us further and further away from what could actually once and for all end our suffering!

9. Our obsessions with controlling our food and weight are attempts to avoid the absence of love, comfort, knowing what do do, etc.

10. Ending our obsession with food and weight is about the capacity to stay in the present moment.
We must start staying where we are with our feelings or what we are seeing or sensing. When we don't use our obsession to shut ourselves down, to leave our bodies, we will feel alive!

11.Our obsessions with food and weight is a refusal to be fully alive. It's our way of giving up on life without having to say so. We start to believe that it is not possible to live any other way.

12. When we be one obsessed with food and weight, it looks to us and others around us, that our obsession is our only real problem and if we fix that, life will be everything we want it to be. But, this is not our only problem. It's the lies we tell ourselves and believe about ourselves and the world we live in. It's time to speak the truth about who we are and the blessings God wants to give us.

Those are my random thought for now. I will be back soon with more. god has been blessing me with such insight and truth and I am enjoying living that truth! I pray that God is blessing you!

Walk the walk

Do you ever feel like you just want/need to talk, but you really have no idea where to start or if you really have anything to say? I've heard that when you feel this way, it's best to just randomly talk/write and more than likely, things of importance will come out. So, here I go...

Hubby and I really want to have a baby. It's proving much more difficult than we want. It's frustrating because I feel I am doing everything right, yet it's not happening. Ugh! Thankfully, I just found an ad in the newspaper revealing where my gyn moved to and I called this morning and got an appointment for Wednesday. Score! She's amazing and I am hoping she has some insight.

Sometimes, okay a lot of the time...maybe even all of the time... I get so tired of thinking about Ed/recovery. It totally feels like a double edged sword. I want to totally let go of all Ed behaviors, but at the same time, I feel scared to death about the whole thing.....while typing that a scripture verse came to mind. James 1:8 says 'a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.' can I get an amen? Isn't that the truth? When I am double minded, I am unstable. This causes me to stay where I am at, frozen in fear... Not yet at Gods best for my life. So, what am I to do?

James 4:8 tells me to 'draw near to God, and He will draw near to (me). Cleanse (my) hands, and purify (my) heart.

And, James 1:22-25 tells me to, 'be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving (myself). For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in the mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But, the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty (God's word), being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

Wow! Another blessing, speaking right to my heart! Thank God! It's written right here, I need to again be a doer of the word, not just a hearer of the word. I can go to church, I can read scripture, I can pray, I can proclaim God as my savior, but if I do not do what I hear/learn, I will not be changed. I will not be blessed. I will remain a woman with a double mind. (side note- how many times have you heard that there is the real you and the Ed voice....this is what the bible is referring to... A double mind. It's evil and God wants us to be healed!)

Again, Satan wants to badly for us to only hear the word, but not do what God is calling us to do. We must cling to Gods word and be people of faith. Even though I am scared, I must be a doer of Gods word. God promises that He will never give us more than we can take. We cannot wait to act until we are no longer afraid to act, that is not faith. Faith is trusting Gods word and believing him, despite what you see around you or feel/think inside of you. How will you act in faith today? How will you be a doer or the word and not just a hearer?

*** I will not fear recovery, for God says do not fear, I am with you.
*** I will not count calories, for God says do not worry about what you eat or what you drink or what you wear.
*** I will listen to and honor my body, for my body is God's temple.
*** I will live recovery because God says, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Let God spit on you!

That's right. I just told you (and me), to let God spit on you (us)! Yesterday, I heard a homily during mass that spoke right to my heart and I want to share it with you. The priest shared the story from Mark 7. It is about a man who is deaf and could barely talk. People took the man to Jesus and asked  Jesus to heal him. Jesus took the man away from the crowd, so Jesus could be alone with him. Jesus put his fingers in the mans ears and spit on the mans tongue. Jesus said, 'ephphatha,, which means be opened. And, the man was healed. He was fully restored and could hear and talk and see. Our priest pointed out two main points.

1. Jesus took the man away from the crowd so that he could be alone with him. Why did he do this? He wanted to get him away from all the negativity, all of the neighsayers. God wanted him away from the unbelievers and distractions. Jesus wanted him to be solely focused on God and His power.

2. Jesus spit on the man's tongue. Jesus spit on the very problem.,.the man's tongue. Jesus spit on the very thing that was holding the man back. The man was living with this problem, wanted healing, and Jesus spit right on the problem and the man was healed.

So how does this apply to you and me? Well.... I believe that in order to live truly free of all eating disorders, we must rely on God. We must turn from the neighsayers, anyone or anything telling us that we can't recover or that it's too hard to recover. Instead we must turn to God. We must allow God to surround us with his love and with the love and support of other believers. We must choose to go with God. For me, this means I must turn to God rather than other unhealthy blogs. I must turn to God and not look to the media to tell me how to live life. I also need to open up those parts of my life that are holding me back. For the man, it was his tongue.., his inability to speak. For me, it's Ed. My inability to relinquish control and feeling like I always need to control food/my body. I open that area of my life fully to God and I know that he is going to spit on it. He is going to heal me fully. I will be open, for the first time in years. I will be open to living, to life, to God and I know he will transform my life for the better. Som I challenge you to allow God to spit on your problems. What is holding you back?

Nothing and no one....including God will ever make you recover.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have often wished there was something or someone that would make me take the steps I needed to take to recover. As sick as this may sound, there were times I fantasized about getting an illness that would force me to need to take better care of myself or force others to have to take care of me. There were times I wanted someone to put me into a treatment center, where staff would make me do what I needed to do to recover. Even today, I want doctors to tell me that I have to do x,y, and z. But, the truth is nothing and no one, including God, will make me recover.... I MUST CHOOSE RECOVERY! And, I am not sure why... But that's very hard for me. It's hard for me to make that choice. I would must rather be forced to do it. I am sure there is a deep rooted reason behind this. Perhaps I don't want to take responsibility for my actions, perhaps I feel guilty for taking care of myself, perhaps I fear that by choosing recovery I appear weak to others, I fear loosing my identity, etc. etc.

I have spent a great deal of time...years...waiting to recover, hoping something or someone would make me. I waited to just wake up each and everyday wanting nothing but recovery. But, as I have said before, that's just not realistic. Sure, there are many moments and even full days that I just want recovery, but I find that most of the time, I still want someone to make me do it. Not going to happen!

Even now, when I have a doctor telling me that more than likely, hubby and I are not having luck conceiving because of lingering Ed issues, I am finding it difficult to fully throw myself into doing what the doctors are telling me to do. I want there to be no other option than doing what I know is right. That's not how the work works. I have heard people say before that if God truly loves us, if God didn't want us to have Ed's, if God wanted us to do or not do x, y, z, then doesn't He have the power to make us or stop us? The answer is simple...yes, He does have the power, but.... He gives us free will. Much like human relationships, we don't want someone to date us or marry us because we somehow manipulate the situations/relationship. No, we want someone to have a relationship with us/marry us because they want to. god doesnt want us to do what is right because He forces us to. Instead, He wants us to make the choice to do what is right, despite everything else pulling at us to so what's wrong.

So, I see that yes, I do wish something or someone would force me to live recovery, but that is never going to happen. I have the choice. I need to either choose to live recovery or stay stagnant where I am in this middle area somewhere between Ed and full recovery. While, of course, logically, it is a very easy choice, there is much more than logic involved. There are fears and emotions. However, this is a time where, as I learned in therapy, I must acknowledge those fears and emotions, but not let them lead the way. Instead, I must follow logic on this one. So, I choose to do what I know it right. I take responsibility. I stop wishing someone would make me do what is right and I act as the adult woman I am.

Have you ever wished for someone or something to make you recovery? Have you tried putting that responsibility on someone like a spouse, parent, child? If you have, I encourage you to think about what I have said. Meditate on the truth that God loves you. God does NOT want you to have an Ed. he wants you to choose life, but He gives you free will. While recovery is difficult, the life you gain from recovery is better than imaginable and the other option...living a life with Ed, or that in between recovery and Ed state, is or will become what I call living death. Choose life!

Are you happy?

Are you happy? Has anyone ever asked you this? Lately, my hubby has asked me this or said things like, 'I just want to see you happy' a few times. And, it bothers me. I think... I am so happy! Why is he asking me this? Then I start to wonder.... Maybe he's the one that's not happy. I mean how could he be? He's with me. I'm a wreck. I'm so messed up. Blah blah blah!

But, when I take a minute to really think about it, I realizes that when Ed is around... I very well do not appear happy. I am distracted by numbers. I am hungry. I am thinking about when I can eat next. I am thinking about how much I can eat. I am thinking about how I am going to get exactly what I want. I am focused on Ed and nothing else.

When Ed is around, I get defensive. I get angry at anyone who may get in the way of 'our' plan. I get cranky. I get anxious that I may not be able to listen and follow through with Ed's plan, which he at some point convinces me is my plan/desire.

When Ed is around... I love Ed more than anything and anyone else (on some level). I don't want to be intimate...I'm too busy with Ed and Ed totally makes me not be in the mood. I don't want to go out to eat and have a good time... Ed tells me what I can and can't have and often convinces me to listen to him. I want time to pass quickly so I can follow through with whatever it is that Ed's determined we should do.

No wonder my hubby asked me this. The reality is, with Ed... I do not appear happy. I appear distracted, controlled, tormented, standoffish, angry, miserable, cranky, worried, scared, ticked, etc. there have been times that I have just wanted to take a pill and feel better, but I believ (for me) the only way to feel truly happy and fulfilled is to get rid of Ed once And for all. Again, this mean living recovery...not simply thinking about it, reflecting upon it, etc. recovery = action!

As I said before, life will be full of things that make us sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc. We can't stop everything from happening, but we can stop allowing Ed to be present in our lives. We can get rid of Ed and allow more room for true living. Have you ever wondered what life would be like without Ed? I have.

I see life without Ed and I see things I've never seen before/haven't seen in my adult life (since before Ed showed up). I see...

Spontaneous dates with my husband.
An increased sex drive (sorry if this is too much information).
More energy.
Genuine laughter.
A sense of peace.
A closer relationship with God.
Ability to eat out... Whatever I am craving.
Ability to eat intuitively.
Ability to maintain a healthy weight (determined by God who made me... Not Ed).
Me being more confident and outgoing.
Ability to have babies.
Ability to put others before myself.
Feeling of being taken care of - not feeling like I need to be in control.
Self love and acceptance.
Ability to feel loved, rather than feeling like I'm messed up and unloveable.

There are so many other things. Now... How can we think of a life being recovered vs. life with Ed and not see that it's worth it-that we are worth it?
So, I ask you..,. Are you happy? Do you appear happy to others? What do you believe will make you happy? Do you think life will be happier if you recover? Why or why not?.

Crying over food?

Food is food. Food is fuel. Food is nourishment for our bodies. Food is simply food. It has no power. So.... Why do we give it so much power? Why do we let it control our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors?

Story time..... Yesterday I had a bone scan done on my left hip, leg, and foot. I've had throbbing pain for over a month and while it doesn't hurt when moving around it THROBS at rest. Weird! I know! Anyways, after the scan my sil (sister in-law) came over. She wanted to go for a walk, so we headed out. During the walk, I felt like my left leg was going to collapse and it hurt so bad. We ended the walk, came home, had dinner with hubby and headed.to my in-laws to visit.

Here's where it gets interesting... On the way home, I asked hubby if he wanted to stop for ice cream (I had determined hours earlier that I 'deserved' a large blizzard with extra pb cups!). He said no! What?!?! I became very upset. I was mad. I felt deprived. I was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to get that fix... And only a large pb cup blizzard would do! I couldn't figure out how I was going to do it. I conituned to drive home. I came into the house, laid on the bed, and hoped hubby would feel so bad he would go back out with me and get some. It didn't work. He came in our room, laid down, and turned on the game. Now, I became even more mad and it went from, I want the damn ice cream to... You don't even care that I am so sad..... (so sad about icecream?!?!?- I took note that it's not 'normal' to give food so much power to make me so upset.) after laying there a few minutes, I began to cry. I mean SOB. I couldn't control it. Hubby asked why I was crying. I told him because my leg hurt and because he wouldn't go get icecream with me. He pointed out that he said we could stop, but that he didn't want any. I cried harder. I told him that I didn't want to have it without him. Then, I told him i was leaving to go get it by myself (note it was 1030pm at this point). But, I didn't go. Instead I sobbed. I was still so mad. He didn't seem to care how much my leg hurt. He didn't care I wanted ice cream so badly. He didn't care. He was frustrated with the crying over ice cream, so he walked out of the room. This upset me even more. When people walk away, it tells me they don't care about me. I went outside to cry alone. Hubby came out... But not because he cared. He came out because he didn't want the neighbors to see me out there crying. Of course, this made me even more sad and cry even harder. I went in the house, had a snack and went to bed feeling very unloved and very mad. I was feeling like all hubby cared about was how he felt, how he looked (to the neighbors), and what he needed (sleep) because he was on call last night. I wanted him to care about me!!!

Now, I must take time to say that hubby calls me every day on his lunch break, he showers me with words of affirmation, and last night when I was walking with sol, he called and offered to pick up my favorite take out for dinner. So, he is a great man and I love him dearly!

I also was mad at Ed last night. I was mad because he has trained me to use and abuse food, he's trained me to have to have what I want to eat...exactly...and when I want it. He has made me inflexible when it comes to food. And, last night, I saw it play out very clearly. It was okay that I was hungry. It was okay that I wanted a snack. It was okay that I wanted icecream, it was not okay that I would have done pretty much anything to get it. This is something I want to change. I want to be more flexible with food and last night was actually a really great eye opener.

Why is it so hard to let go?

Have you ever asked yourself why it is hard to let go of something that you know isn't good for you and that you know has prevented you from living fully? Today, I am asking myself that question. Last night, I was thinking about how for 14years, I have lived in the hell of eating disorders. I lost all of my 20s to the stupid Ed. That's so sad to me. I was thinking about how I don't want to lose all of my 30s. Heck, I don't want to lose even one more day to Ed. So, if I want to live fully, if I want to be Ed free... Then why is it so hard to let go of the behaviors?

For me, change is scary- at least most change. When something changes, I feel anxiety. I play the famous what if game. When stopping Ed behaviors, when changing my life, I am making a commitment to leave what I have known and done for years and years. I am making the choice to leave the known for the unknown and that is terrifying! Ed offers so much comfort.... Despite the hell, there is comfort. It's predictable. I know what I'm doing or not doing every single day. While its a living hell, Ed is more comfortable than recovery. Recovery makes me fear losing what little control Ed offers me. I feel it's impossible to control the unknown, hence why it's so hard to let go. So what's the answer?

I must surrender my fears. To do this, even though it's not easy to let go of Ed behaviors and thoughts, it is what I need to do. It is necessary to let go in order to achieve change.... And change is necessary to achieve recovery. I cannot recover without changing. It's like the saying goes... 'if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!' if I continue to engage in Ed thoughts/behaviors, I will continue to have an Ed. In surrendering my fears, I must be willing to let go of the comfort of Ed, let go of the behaviors I engage in, so that I can create the life God intends for me to have.... A life that is full of life, peace, joy, and true, genuine happiness!

How do we get out? We must remember that the only way out of it is to go through it. I must go through my fear. I must live recovery inspire of my fears. It is okay to have fear. It is okay to recognize my fears for what they are, but then..... I must live recovery despite my fears! As Eleanor Roosevelt said, 'You must do the thing you think you cannot do.' and, each time we do things that are inline with recovery, we make it easier to do it the next time. As I've said before, we can't wait until we feel like doing them, it is by doing the right thing over and over again that we will begin to want to do them. We must live recovery before the Ed thoughts, desires, and behaviors will go away!

Today, I challenge you to do the things you think you cannot do.... Live recovery! What are some things you think you cannot do? Here is a list that may help you....

Follow your meal plan.
Keep your meals down.
Treat your body with love.
Nourish you body and mind.
Take a rest day.
Eat intuitively.
Avoid calorie counting.
Avoid binge eating.
Use positive affirmations.
Ask God for help. He loves you and will help you!
Get adequate sleep.
Stay hydrated.
Throw away diet pills/laxatives.
Ask for help.
Commit to recovery.
Adress to go into treatment.
Tell someone you trust about your Ed.
Email a friend... Or me...I'm always willing to listen!
Be your own best friend.
Go out with friends.
Take a risk.

Don't want to die

I don't want to sound morbid....because really I'm not. But, today I started thinking... What of you found out you were dying? How would you feel? I started thinking about how I would feel.

I would feel like I didn't have enough time with loved ones.
I would feel sad because I wasted so many years living an eating disordered life.
I would feel mad at myself for not fully living when I had the chance to do so.
I would feel like I missed out on so much.
I would want more time to fully live life.

Here is the reality.... From the moment we are born, we are dying. We don't know how much time we will have here on earth before God calls us home. I don't want to feel, like I have described above, when God does call me home.

How many times have I missed out on spending time with loved ones because Ed convinced me it was best for me? Way too many!
How many years have I wasted living with Ed? Too many!

Recovery means giving up the comfort of Ed, but it means truly living the life we have all been given.

Sometimes we may feel that we don't want to live, but I challenge you to really think about when you have those feelings. I have had feelings that the world would be better without me. I have felt like life is just too hard for me to go on. I have felt depressed, anxious, terrified...but life is worth living. We are loved, we can handle life, we can overcome depression and find joy. god promises us that. It is time to claim that promise and live life fully.

Now is where I'm going to share some heavy things. Feel free to stop reading. This is simply something I've got to get out.

As I sit here, alone on our deck, trying to think of what to write, I can hardly see the keys to type. My eyes are full of tears. I know this is going to be jumbled, but that's okay as long as I get it out.

If you ask me what the worst day of my life was, you may expect me to say something related to Ed. True that everyday with Ed has been hell. But, the worst day of my life was September 25, 2009. That is the day I lost my brother. Nearly 3 years later, it feels like that day never happened, but at the same time, the memories...all the horrific memeries of that day came flashing back and they are so vivid that it feels like its happening all over again.

On September 25, 2009, my brother at the age of 24 decided to believe the lies of Satan. He believed Satan over God. He believed that life wasn't worth living. He believed life would never get any better. He believed he would never be happy again. He believed he was unlovable. He believed life was too much for him to handle. So, he made the choice to end his own life. On September 25, 2009, my brother took his own life.  And, despite my very best efforts, there was nothing I could do to stop him. I tried so hard. I knew the truth. I knew what an amazing man he was. I knew that his life could get better. I knew he would find love again. I knew he would meet someone who deserved to be with someone so loving, so hard working, so fun, so good with kids, so always willing to put everyone ahead of himself, so full of love. I knew Godloved my brother and wanted him to turn away from Satans lies that were tormenting him and turn to God. But, he didn't. He believed Satan and the devil killed him. Despite whatever others may believe, I believe that God knew my brothers heart. My brother was not a follower of God, but I believe he wanted to be. He knew who God was and believed in God, but he didn't know God as his ever-present friend. I believe that today, my brother is in God's presence. I believe that he's happier than he has ever been, but I also believe it was not Gods will for my brother to die that morning. I believe God wanted him here. I believe God wanted him to get to know him here, while enjoying a full life with loved ones. I believe he wanted him to be here the day I got engaged. I believe god wanted him standing on the alter with my hubby and I the day we got married. I believe God wanted him here for my dad, my other brother, my mom, my sister, and I. I believe God wanted him here to enjoy life with his adorable niece and nephew. I believe God had so many wonderful plans for my brother.

As I write this, I can't help but see the parallel between committing suicide and living with an eating disorder. They both kill you. Even living in half recovery and half Ed is still killing you, because you arent really living life fully. Just like God had more planned for my brothers life, he has more planned for mine. he has so much more than Ed behaviors and feelings of depression. He offers so much. It's time to do what I wish my brother would have done. It's time to turn from Ed, Satan, and turn to God!

The hard part of recovery

I don't know about you, but the numerous times I've decided I wanted to live a life of recovery, it was kind of easy for the first few days. It was like I was on a little recovery high. I felt good, I had more energy, I was excited about all the new possibilities recovery would bring. It was great. That happened this time too.

But, now I sit here and I feel like I am at a crossroad. Part of me wants to say screw it. This is too hard. This is too time consuming. I have less energy now than I did before. I feel bummed...I though recovery would make me feel great. I am not seeing benefits of recovery. Yadda yadda yadda!

Writing that out... Getting those thought out of my head helps. I can see that those thoughts are more than likely coming from Ed...who does not want me living in recovery at all. It is true that's how I am feeling rig now, but I know that I must persevere. I must choose to continue to live in recovery.

I went to an appointment with my dietitian yesterday. I started seeing her about 3 months ago because my hubby and I were about to start trying to concieve and I wanted to have a professionals advice (not Ed's) on what I would need to a healthy pregnancy. Well, we are still trying to concieve, but I found out from my gyno that even though I get a normal period every month, I am not ovulating. (side note.... Don't let Ed convince you that if you get a period you are at a healthy weight. Sure your bmi may be 'okay' but you still may not be at a healthy weight for ovulation to occur!) sooo.. Once I discovered this, my dietitian reccommended that I gain some more weight (despite being at a healthy bmi according to the charts).

I am going to be honest, I am scared! I like the way my body looks now and I am scared to gain the weight. At the same time, deep down, I really believe the lack of ovulation is do to maintains this weight, that is too low for me. This frustrates me because others work out way more than me, eat less than me, weigh way less than me and have lots of babies. Iso, I feel like I have a choice to make... Stay the way I am and risk fertility or change and possibly increase my fertility. Most would think this is an easy choice, but for someone with an Ed, it's a hard choice. Like I said, I like my body the way it is. I feel I've worked hard to get this body and gaining more weight, decreasing exercise even more makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

I am so frustrated I could cry! I know it is Ed that is making me want to hang on to what I imagine to be my idealistic body and weight. He wants me to stay the way I am. He views listening to the doctors as failure Nd of course, he never thinks about future consequences. But, how am I going to feel in 10 years when I am past the point of being able to have kids (I am 32 now) and I think about how Ed could have been the one who prevented that from happening.

I just had a realization....Ed always makes me feel like I can recover later. Ed makes me believe that there will always be time later in life and that right now the only thing I need to do is listen to him and obey him. As I wrote my age, It hit me hard that I have lived obeying Ed for the past 14 years! But, it feels like I was just diagnosed with an Ed yesterday. Sure, I am a loooooooong way from where I was when I was diagnosed. I am sooooo much healthier physically and mentally. But, I am still letting Ed dictate my life. I am still letting him control my life and prevent me from being fully alive.

I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him show me all of the things he had planned for my life that I missed out on. More importantly, I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him tell me that I do not know him. When I choose to obey Ed, I am choosing the devil over Jesus. It is a great sin. I need Gods strength to overcome Ed. I know he offers it to me. I need to grab ahold of it.

Have you ought about you fertility?
Does Ed tell you that there will be time to recover later?
Have you ever felt you had to choose between being healthy and being the size/weight you felt you wanted to be?
Any advice for me or others struggling?