Always looking for the next binge

Okay so, here we go....

I am always looking for the next binge. It's true. During one binge and until I can binge again, I continuously think about binge eating over and over again. Ice cream, candy bars, muffins... I become obsessed with thoughts of all of the food I want to eat. That's the other thing to note. I don't just want a dish of ice cream, a regular size candy bar or a muffin. I want pints of ice cream with multiple king sized candy bats. I want packages of muffins with multiple candy bars. I understand that for people without eating disorders, the thought of this would make them sick. But, it excites me. Why? Why do I long for huge quantities of binge foods? What am I really longing for. Some tell me it's becaus ei may be hungry... That's not true because I wouldn't need such huge volumes to be satisfied if it were just that I was physically hungry. Like I said in a different post, I look forward to each binge. It brings me joy and excitement. Is that what I am looking for? If that's the case, the tri is, food- no matter how much I eat and eat and eat, will never bring me the joy and excitement that I long for. Sure, it will bring it to me for the few brief moments I am bingeing, but, when it's over, it's over. Perhaps that's why I am already looking for the next binge.

God's word tells me that He is the only thing that will fill my heart. I have never known this kind of love and fulfillment. I have seen people who love God and profess feeling completely fulfilled by God. To be honest, I long for it, but I have never experienced it. I want to. I wonder of I don't feel it because I am constantly putting food in the place where God wants to be. I really wish God would just email me or call me and let me know exactly what I need to do to be able to fall in love with Him and never again want to use food to get all of the things my heart longs for.

God, where are you? Please help me!

Let's ramble

I really don't know what I am going to write about, so I figure I will just ramble :)

Has anyone else spent an immense amount of time searching for answers to the question, 'how do I overcome disordered eating?' I seriously have searched high and low for the answer for years. You can find a lot of information, but here's the kicker.... Are you ready? You will never overcome disordered eating by answering that question. What?!?!? It's true! The only way we will ever be able to overcome disordered eating is by.... Kicking disordered eating out of our lives...once and for all!

You can read about how personality and past events lead to disordered eating, but unless you change negative thoughts, use your amazing personality traits for good and not evil, and accept the reality that you can't control what has happened to you, but you can control how you live your life now, you will never overcome the disorder.

You need ACTION! It's not enough to read about and think about all that you need to do. You need to DO it! I absolutely hate that so many people lead others to believe that if you just learn about why you do it, the urges will go away. If that were the case, I would have been free looooong ago. The truth is, we need to walk in the freedom that God has already died for is to have. We don't need to wait until we understand why we do it. We don't need to wait until we no longer have urges to act on urges. We need to walk by faith...believing what God has told us. Our old (disordered) selves have died with Christ and now we are a new (no disordered) creation! Did you hear that? We are free! Let's live it!

Why do you binge?

I have read so many reasons for why people binge.
People binge because...
They are trying to stuff down emotions.
They don't eat enough during the day.
They don't drink enough water during the day.
They are trying to be overweight so that they won't receive sexual attention.
they numb their feelings.

Why do I binge? I feel like I don't truly know the answer to this. I do know that no matter how much I eat during the day, I always want to binge. In fact, i am usually planning the next binge right after I finish bingeing (and am stuffed). I wake up thinking about how I am going to get the food and literally waiting all day untl it is time to binge. I anticipate it. I love it. I always hear people say they hate it, but I don't. I really love it. So, I guess the reason I binge is because it brings me an emmense amount of pleasure. It makes me feel incredible and gives me something that I love to look forward to everyday. why do you binge?

Same mountain

How many times will we circle the same mountain? It has been years, and while I have seen various sides of the mountain, I am still circling the same one. I spend countless hours, every day, seeking answers. I ask google how to find freedom from disordered eating. I read blog after blog, studying the blogger's lives, trying to figure out how to be free once and for all. But, here I am still wondering how to be free.

The reality is, God has already set me free. That is what the bible says, therefore it is the truth. This is the truth that I need to remind myself of daily. God bought my freedom when He died on the cross for me (and you). He offers us that freedom. It is our choice whether we live in it or not. I have not been living in Christ's freedom. I have continued to live in bondage and the truth is, I will never be free and healed if I don't make the choice to walk in God's freedom.

How can I do this? I need to renew my mind. Keep God first in my life. Study the word of God and meditate on it day and night. I need to live God's truth and reject the devil. I will be writing a lot and most of it won't make sense, but my hope is that by getting everything out, I will find healing and restoration and walk fully in God's freedom- the freedom my heart longs for.

Infertility

I remember being a teenager and believing that the very first time I had sex, I would get pregnant. I'm sure my parents are very greatful that I innocently believed this and didn't make them grandparents while I was in high school.

I remember getting engaged and thinking about having babies with my amazing husband. At this time, I still believed that getting pregnant would be easy.

Now, after a year of trying, I am feeling hopeless. I also find myself wondering if I even want to have children. I mean, I have been reading many blogs written by women who have just had babies and some of it is down right depressing. Am I strong enough to handle the difficulties of motherhood! Perhaps I am looking at all of the negatives because I am scared. I am scared that my body is not capable of ovulating, conceiving and birthing a healthy baby. I see woman all around me, who It is so easy for and it hurts.

Infertility hurts.
I feel angry.
I feel sad.
I feel completely ineffective and broken.
I feel out of control.
 I feel defeated.
I feel old.
I feel confused.
I feel lost.
I feel hopeless.
I feel tired.
I feel depressed.

Now, this is how I want to feel....
I want to feel free.
I want to feel joy.
I want to feel excited about life.
I want to be happy.
I want to have energy again.
I want to feel whole and complete.
I want to feel content.
I want to feel alive.

So, I am going to focus on those things. I am going to focus on living this life. I am going to get excited about my upcoming vacation with my husband! I am going to reach out and try to make friend... I seriously have none! Of course I am going to continue ttc, but I don't want it to consume me any longer. So, today I am going to do the following things for me...
I am going to get in a workout.
I am going to take a long, hot shower.
I am going to do m hair and makeup.
I am going to book reservations for dinners out for our vacation.
I am going to read a magazine.
I am going to pray and read the bible.
I am going to bake.
I am going to curl up with my husband when he gets home and just enjoy him and our love!

I just want to be healthy

I couldn't even begin to count how many time I said, 'I just want to be healthy.' I said it when I first started engaging in eating disorder (Ed) behaviors. I said it to doctors in treatment centers. I said it to my parents, boyfriends, therapists, friends, myself... everyone. I was thinking about this today. So many people with eating disorders make that statement, 'I just want to be healthy.'

But, let's be honest here....if that's what people with eating disorders truly want, then why are they restricting, binging, over exercising, purging, trying to maintain a too low body weight, etc.? I can't speak for anyone but myself. So, I will tell you why I did it. I engaged in these unhealthy and destructive behaviors, while professing that I just wanted to be healthy, because I, Karla, really did want to be healthy. I wanted to eat in moderating, enjoy all types of foods (including high fat and calorie foods), move my body, have energy, enjoy relationships, eat with others, have no fear of food, maintain a healthy weight, like and appreciate my body, ect. But......Ed was in charge and it would not allow those things to happen. Ed had convinced me that I needed to engage in unhealthy eating disorder behaviors in order to feel safe, secure, satisfied, fulfilled, in control, etc. 

Eating disorders are faithful in that when all else in the world seems to be scary and out of control, they are right there...the familiar behaviors that bring a sense of calm and order. But, the truth is, eating disorders are strongholds. They entrap their hosts with their lies and deceit. They get the person to believe that they need the eating dosorder in order to feel safe, secure, satisfied, fulfilled, and in control. These are all LIES! We do not need to have an eating disorder to be in control, safe, secure, fulfilled, or amusing else. In fact, the eating disorder will actually ensure that you don't have any of those things.

If you truly want to be healthy here is the first step.... Commit to recovery and start getting Ed out of your life! 

The only thing that will work to stop binging

It saddens me to think about how many people are suffering from addictions, disease, depression, eating disorders, loneliness, hopelessness, ect.

Today, I want to share what's been on my mind lately. This is in response to a Reader who commented on one of my posts, I can tell from her comment that she has a beautiful spirit and in writing to her, I found myself realizing what is working to help me overcome the eating disorder that I've battled for years.

It truly amazes me how strong and often the desire to binge arises. It's scary how it can control life. I tried for years to maintain a weight that was too low for me. Those stupid bmi charts try to fit everyone in to a mold that some bodies just don't function well at. And don't even get me started on how low many of those stupid calorie recommendations are! I have been working with a dietitian for a couple of months now and I'll be honest...it didn't take away the urges to binge. I have found for me that no diet plan will take away those urges. For me...i seek food for emotional reasons...not purely physical...(but note that urges to binge also do arise if I eat too little during the day!) 

Lately, I have discovered that I binge because I was still obsessed with trying to control my body and my food intake. While I wasn't restricting my intake at all, I was still obsessed with counting calories and obsessed about the most enjoyable ways to get them in. I feared missing out. I tried to control my intake and body because I feared losing control. I would get nervous, anxious, irritable and depressed if I couldn't binge. I chose binging over everything. I was seeking pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment from binging. I realized that I felt in love with and addicted to food. I thought about food all day, everyday. I was looking forward to every opportunity to eat more than anything else. For me, food had become my idol. I worshipped it. 

It was important of me to really think about why I loved to binge so much. Like I said, I wanted pleasure, satisfaction and fulfillment. It was also important to recognize that I was still obsessed with trying to control my body by micromanaging my food intake and still trying to maintain a too low weight for my body to function (as evidenced by my anovulatory cycles...even though I was menstrating!) I had to recognize that I did this because I wanted to feel secure, loved, accepted, special, and in control. 

Now, it is not bad at all to desire these things....pleasure, satisfaction, fulfillment, security, love, acceptance, control.... But, I was seeking them in ways that were harming me. And, since diets and binging/reactive eating patterns only give me these things temporarily...I was constantly longing and needing to do them more intensely and more often. I had to recognize that dieting and binging/reactive eating will never give me the things I long for...at least not permanently. I think that's why before, during, or right after a binge we can declare that it was our last binge...because we believe that this will be it..l we will finally feel totally satisfied and content. 

So, where does this leave me??? It certainly does not leave me seeking yet another diet plan to try...been there...done that...doesn't work for me. For me, the answer is filling those desires that I have longed to have filled for years! I have tried before... Relax, take bubble baths, call a friend, etc. and I'm going to be honest...after I did those things... I still wanted to binge. I remember telling therapists many times that I tried all those 'tricks', but for me nothing felt as good as binging. But, I now realize that for me...there is only one that can fill those desires...and it is God. Like I said, I feel like I have tried everything and at some points I thought I even tried Turing to God..and I guess I did on some level. But, at the same time, I still wanted to do things my way. I wanted God to take away my desires to binge, but I still wanted to control all my intake and my body and if the desire to binge arose, I wanted to do it one more time. I am now seeing that the only way I am ever going to get the desires of my heart is by turning to God and believing sniped trusting that He is going to bless me far beyond those desires. The truth is, (God) created my inmost being, (he) knit me together in my mother's womb. (So), I will praise (Him) because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.' I am choosing to no longer listen to what society tells me I should be or look like. I am solely relying on God for that now. I listened to society and 'unhealthy' living blogs for years and where did that get me? It helped the devil accomplish his mission. It kept me stuck in self distraction. I was made for so much more. Now, I am relying on God to lead me where I am destined to go. I know God has big plans for me and all I have to do is stop following the world and turn to Him. 

I still get desires to count calories, obsess about by body, binge...but rather than listen to and give in to those desires I run to God. I focus on truth. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made...and I make the choice to follow God. 

I share this because it is working for me and I truly believe it is the only thing that can work to overcome this horrible stronghold.