Let God spit on you!

That's right. I just told you (and me), to let God spit on you (us)! Yesterday, I heard a homily during mass that spoke right to my heart and I want to share it with you. The priest shared the story from Mark 7. It is about a man who is deaf and could barely talk. People took the man to Jesus and asked  Jesus to heal him. Jesus took the man away from the crowd, so Jesus could be alone with him. Jesus put his fingers in the mans ears and spit on the mans tongue. Jesus said, 'ephphatha,, which means be opened. And, the man was healed. He was fully restored and could hear and talk and see. Our priest pointed out two main points.

1. Jesus took the man away from the crowd so that he could be alone with him. Why did he do this? He wanted to get him away from all the negativity, all of the neighsayers. God wanted him away from the unbelievers and distractions. Jesus wanted him to be solely focused on God and His power.

2. Jesus spit on the man's tongue. Jesus spit on the very problem.,.the man's tongue. Jesus spit on the very thing that was holding the man back. The man was living with this problem, wanted healing, and Jesus spit right on the problem and the man was healed.

So how does this apply to you and me? Well.... I believe that in order to live truly free of all eating disorders, we must rely on God. We must turn from the neighsayers, anyone or anything telling us that we can't recover or that it's too hard to recover. Instead we must turn to God. We must allow God to surround us with his love and with the love and support of other believers. We must choose to go with God. For me, this means I must turn to God rather than other unhealthy blogs. I must turn to God and not look to the media to tell me how to live life. I also need to open up those parts of my life that are holding me back. For the man, it was his tongue.., his inability to speak. For me, it's Ed. My inability to relinquish control and feeling like I always need to control food/my body. I open that area of my life fully to God and I know that he is going to spit on it. He is going to heal me fully. I will be open, for the first time in years. I will be open to living, to life, to God and I know he will transform my life for the better. Som I challenge you to allow God to spit on your problems. What is holding you back?

Nothing and no one....including God will ever make you recover.

I don't know about anyone else, but I have often wished there was something or someone that would make me take the steps I needed to take to recover. As sick as this may sound, there were times I fantasized about getting an illness that would force me to need to take better care of myself or force others to have to take care of me. There were times I wanted someone to put me into a treatment center, where staff would make me do what I needed to do to recover. Even today, I want doctors to tell me that I have to do x,y, and z. But, the truth is nothing and no one, including God, will make me recover.... I MUST CHOOSE RECOVERY! And, I am not sure why... But that's very hard for me. It's hard for me to make that choice. I would must rather be forced to do it. I am sure there is a deep rooted reason behind this. Perhaps I don't want to take responsibility for my actions, perhaps I feel guilty for taking care of myself, perhaps I fear that by choosing recovery I appear weak to others, I fear loosing my identity, etc. etc.

I have spent a great deal of time...years...waiting to recover, hoping something or someone would make me. I waited to just wake up each and everyday wanting nothing but recovery. But, as I have said before, that's just not realistic. Sure, there are many moments and even full days that I just want recovery, but I find that most of the time, I still want someone to make me do it. Not going to happen!

Even now, when I have a doctor telling me that more than likely, hubby and I are not having luck conceiving because of lingering Ed issues, I am finding it difficult to fully throw myself into doing what the doctors are telling me to do. I want there to be no other option than doing what I know is right. That's not how the work works. I have heard people say before that if God truly loves us, if God didn't want us to have Ed's, if God wanted us to do or not do x, y, z, then doesn't He have the power to make us or stop us? The answer is simple...yes, He does have the power, but.... He gives us free will. Much like human relationships, we don't want someone to date us or marry us because we somehow manipulate the situations/relationship. No, we want someone to have a relationship with us/marry us because they want to. god doesnt want us to do what is right because He forces us to. Instead, He wants us to make the choice to do what is right, despite everything else pulling at us to so what's wrong.

So, I see that yes, I do wish something or someone would force me to live recovery, but that is never going to happen. I have the choice. I need to either choose to live recovery or stay stagnant where I am in this middle area somewhere between Ed and full recovery. While, of course, logically, it is a very easy choice, there is much more than logic involved. There are fears and emotions. However, this is a time where, as I learned in therapy, I must acknowledge those fears and emotions, but not let them lead the way. Instead, I must follow logic on this one. So, I choose to do what I know it right. I take responsibility. I stop wishing someone would make me do what is right and I act as the adult woman I am.

Have you ever wished for someone or something to make you recovery? Have you tried putting that responsibility on someone like a spouse, parent, child? If you have, I encourage you to think about what I have said. Meditate on the truth that God loves you. God does NOT want you to have an Ed. he wants you to choose life, but He gives you free will. While recovery is difficult, the life you gain from recovery is better than imaginable and the other option...living a life with Ed, or that in between recovery and Ed state, is or will become what I call living death. Choose life!

Are you happy?

Are you happy? Has anyone ever asked you this? Lately, my hubby has asked me this or said things like, 'I just want to see you happy' a few times. And, it bothers me. I think... I am so happy! Why is he asking me this? Then I start to wonder.... Maybe he's the one that's not happy. I mean how could he be? He's with me. I'm a wreck. I'm so messed up. Blah blah blah!

But, when I take a minute to really think about it, I realizes that when Ed is around... I very well do not appear happy. I am distracted by numbers. I am hungry. I am thinking about when I can eat next. I am thinking about how much I can eat. I am thinking about how I am going to get exactly what I want. I am focused on Ed and nothing else.

When Ed is around, I get defensive. I get angry at anyone who may get in the way of 'our' plan. I get cranky. I get anxious that I may not be able to listen and follow through with Ed's plan, which he at some point convinces me is my plan/desire.

When Ed is around... I love Ed more than anything and anyone else (on some level). I don't want to be intimate...I'm too busy with Ed and Ed totally makes me not be in the mood. I don't want to go out to eat and have a good time... Ed tells me what I can and can't have and often convinces me to listen to him. I want time to pass quickly so I can follow through with whatever it is that Ed's determined we should do.

No wonder my hubby asked me this. The reality is, with Ed... I do not appear happy. I appear distracted, controlled, tormented, standoffish, angry, miserable, cranky, worried, scared, ticked, etc. there have been times that I have just wanted to take a pill and feel better, but I believ (for me) the only way to feel truly happy and fulfilled is to get rid of Ed once And for all. Again, this mean living recovery...not simply thinking about it, reflecting upon it, etc. recovery = action!

As I said before, life will be full of things that make us sad, angry, hurt, lonely, etc. We can't stop everything from happening, but we can stop allowing Ed to be present in our lives. We can get rid of Ed and allow more room for true living. Have you ever wondered what life would be like without Ed? I have.

I see life without Ed and I see things I've never seen before/haven't seen in my adult life (since before Ed showed up). I see...

Spontaneous dates with my husband.
An increased sex drive (sorry if this is too much information).
More energy.
Genuine laughter.
A sense of peace.
A closer relationship with God.
Ability to eat out... Whatever I am craving.
Ability to eat intuitively.
Ability to maintain a healthy weight (determined by God who made me... Not Ed).
Me being more confident and outgoing.
Ability to have babies.
Ability to put others before myself.
Feeling of being taken care of - not feeling like I need to be in control.
Self love and acceptance.
Ability to feel loved, rather than feeling like I'm messed up and unloveable.

There are so many other things. Now... How can we think of a life being recovered vs. life with Ed and not see that it's worth it-that we are worth it?
So, I ask you..,. Are you happy? Do you appear happy to others? What do you believe will make you happy? Do you think life will be happier if you recover? Why or why not?.

Crying over food?

Food is food. Food is fuel. Food is nourishment for our bodies. Food is simply food. It has no power. So.... Why do we give it so much power? Why do we let it control our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors?

Story time..... Yesterday I had a bone scan done on my left hip, leg, and foot. I've had throbbing pain for over a month and while it doesn't hurt when moving around it THROBS at rest. Weird! I know! Anyways, after the scan my sil (sister in-law) came over. She wanted to go for a walk, so we headed out. During the walk, I felt like my left leg was going to collapse and it hurt so bad. We ended the walk, came home, had dinner with hubby and headed.to my in-laws to visit.

Here's where it gets interesting... On the way home, I asked hubby if he wanted to stop for ice cream (I had determined hours earlier that I 'deserved' a large blizzard with extra pb cups!). He said no! What?!?! I became very upset. I was mad. I felt deprived. I was trying to figure out how in the world I was going to get that fix... And only a large pb cup blizzard would do! I couldn't figure out how I was going to do it. I conituned to drive home. I came into the house, laid on the bed, and hoped hubby would feel so bad he would go back out with me and get some. It didn't work. He came in our room, laid down, and turned on the game. Now, I became even more mad and it went from, I want the damn ice cream to... You don't even care that I am so sad..... (so sad about icecream?!?!?- I took note that it's not 'normal' to give food so much power to make me so upset.) after laying there a few minutes, I began to cry. I mean SOB. I couldn't control it. Hubby asked why I was crying. I told him because my leg hurt and because he wouldn't go get icecream with me. He pointed out that he said we could stop, but that he didn't want any. I cried harder. I told him that I didn't want to have it without him. Then, I told him i was leaving to go get it by myself (note it was 1030pm at this point). But, I didn't go. Instead I sobbed. I was still so mad. He didn't seem to care how much my leg hurt. He didn't care I wanted ice cream so badly. He didn't care. He was frustrated with the crying over ice cream, so he walked out of the room. This upset me even more. When people walk away, it tells me they don't care about me. I went outside to cry alone. Hubby came out... But not because he cared. He came out because he didn't want the neighbors to see me out there crying. Of course, this made me even more sad and cry even harder. I went in the house, had a snack and went to bed feeling very unloved and very mad. I was feeling like all hubby cared about was how he felt, how he looked (to the neighbors), and what he needed (sleep) because he was on call last night. I wanted him to care about me!!!

Now, I must take time to say that hubby calls me every day on his lunch break, he showers me with words of affirmation, and last night when I was walking with sol, he called and offered to pick up my favorite take out for dinner. So, he is a great man and I love him dearly!

I also was mad at Ed last night. I was mad because he has trained me to use and abuse food, he's trained me to have to have what I want to eat...exactly...and when I want it. He has made me inflexible when it comes to food. And, last night, I saw it play out very clearly. It was okay that I was hungry. It was okay that I wanted a snack. It was okay that I wanted icecream, it was not okay that I would have done pretty much anything to get it. This is something I want to change. I want to be more flexible with food and last night was actually a really great eye opener.

Why is it so hard to let go?

Have you ever asked yourself why it is hard to let go of something that you know isn't good for you and that you know has prevented you from living fully? Today, I am asking myself that question. Last night, I was thinking about how for 14years, I have lived in the hell of eating disorders. I lost all of my 20s to the stupid Ed. That's so sad to me. I was thinking about how I don't want to lose all of my 30s. Heck, I don't want to lose even one more day to Ed. So, if I want to live fully, if I want to be Ed free... Then why is it so hard to let go of the behaviors?

For me, change is scary- at least most change. When something changes, I feel anxiety. I play the famous what if game. When stopping Ed behaviors, when changing my life, I am making a commitment to leave what I have known and done for years and years. I am making the choice to leave the known for the unknown and that is terrifying! Ed offers so much comfort.... Despite the hell, there is comfort. It's predictable. I know what I'm doing or not doing every single day. While its a living hell, Ed is more comfortable than recovery. Recovery makes me fear losing what little control Ed offers me. I feel it's impossible to control the unknown, hence why it's so hard to let go. So what's the answer?

I must surrender my fears. To do this, even though it's not easy to let go of Ed behaviors and thoughts, it is what I need to do. It is necessary to let go in order to achieve change.... And change is necessary to achieve recovery. I cannot recover without changing. It's like the saying goes... 'if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!' if I continue to engage in Ed thoughts/behaviors, I will continue to have an Ed. In surrendering my fears, I must be willing to let go of the comfort of Ed, let go of the behaviors I engage in, so that I can create the life God intends for me to have.... A life that is full of life, peace, joy, and true, genuine happiness!

How do we get out? We must remember that the only way out of it is to go through it. I must go through my fear. I must live recovery inspire of my fears. It is okay to have fear. It is okay to recognize my fears for what they are, but then..... I must live recovery despite my fears! As Eleanor Roosevelt said, 'You must do the thing you think you cannot do.' and, each time we do things that are inline with recovery, we make it easier to do it the next time. As I've said before, we can't wait until we feel like doing them, it is by doing the right thing over and over again that we will begin to want to do them. We must live recovery before the Ed thoughts, desires, and behaviors will go away!

Today, I challenge you to do the things you think you cannot do.... Live recovery! What are some things you think you cannot do? Here is a list that may help you....

Follow your meal plan.
Keep your meals down.
Treat your body with love.
Nourish you body and mind.
Take a rest day.
Eat intuitively.
Avoid calorie counting.
Avoid binge eating.
Use positive affirmations.
Ask God for help. He loves you and will help you!
Get adequate sleep.
Stay hydrated.
Throw away diet pills/laxatives.
Ask for help.
Commit to recovery.
Adress to go into treatment.
Tell someone you trust about your Ed.
Email a friend... Or me...I'm always willing to listen!
Be your own best friend.
Go out with friends.
Take a risk.

Don't want to die

I don't want to sound morbid....because really I'm not. But, today I started thinking... What of you found out you were dying? How would you feel? I started thinking about how I would feel.

I would feel like I didn't have enough time with loved ones.
I would feel sad because I wasted so many years living an eating disordered life.
I would feel mad at myself for not fully living when I had the chance to do so.
I would feel like I missed out on so much.
I would want more time to fully live life.

Here is the reality.... From the moment we are born, we are dying. We don't know how much time we will have here on earth before God calls us home. I don't want to feel, like I have described above, when God does call me home.

How many times have I missed out on spending time with loved ones because Ed convinced me it was best for me? Way too many!
How many years have I wasted living with Ed? Too many!

Recovery means giving up the comfort of Ed, but it means truly living the life we have all been given.

Sometimes we may feel that we don't want to live, but I challenge you to really think about when you have those feelings. I have had feelings that the world would be better without me. I have felt like life is just too hard for me to go on. I have felt depressed, anxious, terrified...but life is worth living. We are loved, we can handle life, we can overcome depression and find joy. god promises us that. It is time to claim that promise and live life fully.

Now is where I'm going to share some heavy things. Feel free to stop reading. This is simply something I've got to get out.

As I sit here, alone on our deck, trying to think of what to write, I can hardly see the keys to type. My eyes are full of tears. I know this is going to be jumbled, but that's okay as long as I get it out.

If you ask me what the worst day of my life was, you may expect me to say something related to Ed. True that everyday with Ed has been hell. But, the worst day of my life was September 25, 2009. That is the day I lost my brother. Nearly 3 years later, it feels like that day never happened, but at the same time, the memories...all the horrific memeries of that day came flashing back and they are so vivid that it feels like its happening all over again.

On September 25, 2009, my brother at the age of 24 decided to believe the lies of Satan. He believed Satan over God. He believed that life wasn't worth living. He believed life would never get any better. He believed he would never be happy again. He believed he was unlovable. He believed life was too much for him to handle. So, he made the choice to end his own life. On September 25, 2009, my brother took his own life.  And, despite my very best efforts, there was nothing I could do to stop him. I tried so hard. I knew the truth. I knew what an amazing man he was. I knew that his life could get better. I knew he would find love again. I knew he would meet someone who deserved to be with someone so loving, so hard working, so fun, so good with kids, so always willing to put everyone ahead of himself, so full of love. I knew Godloved my brother and wanted him to turn away from Satans lies that were tormenting him and turn to God. But, he didn't. He believed Satan and the devil killed him. Despite whatever others may believe, I believe that God knew my brothers heart. My brother was not a follower of God, but I believe he wanted to be. He knew who God was and believed in God, but he didn't know God as his ever-present friend. I believe that today, my brother is in God's presence. I believe that he's happier than he has ever been, but I also believe it was not Gods will for my brother to die that morning. I believe God wanted him here. I believe God wanted him to get to know him here, while enjoying a full life with loved ones. I believe he wanted him to be here the day I got engaged. I believe god wanted him standing on the alter with my hubby and I the day we got married. I believe God wanted him here for my dad, my other brother, my mom, my sister, and I. I believe God wanted him here to enjoy life with his adorable niece and nephew. I believe God had so many wonderful plans for my brother.

As I write this, I can't help but see the parallel between committing suicide and living with an eating disorder. They both kill you. Even living in half recovery and half Ed is still killing you, because you arent really living life fully. Just like God had more planned for my brothers life, he has more planned for mine. he has so much more than Ed behaviors and feelings of depression. He offers so much. It's time to do what I wish my brother would have done. It's time to turn from Ed, Satan, and turn to God!

The hard part of recovery

I don't know about you, but the numerous times I've decided I wanted to live a life of recovery, it was kind of easy for the first few days. It was like I was on a little recovery high. I felt good, I had more energy, I was excited about all the new possibilities recovery would bring. It was great. That happened this time too.

But, now I sit here and I feel like I am at a crossroad. Part of me wants to say screw it. This is too hard. This is too time consuming. I have less energy now than I did before. I feel bummed...I though recovery would make me feel great. I am not seeing benefits of recovery. Yadda yadda yadda!

Writing that out... Getting those thought out of my head helps. I can see that those thoughts are more than likely coming from Ed...who does not want me living in recovery at all. It is true that's how I am feeling rig now, but I know that I must persevere. I must choose to continue to live in recovery.

I went to an appointment with my dietitian yesterday. I started seeing her about 3 months ago because my hubby and I were about to start trying to concieve and I wanted to have a professionals advice (not Ed's) on what I would need to a healthy pregnancy. Well, we are still trying to concieve, but I found out from my gyno that even though I get a normal period every month, I am not ovulating. (side note.... Don't let Ed convince you that if you get a period you are at a healthy weight. Sure your bmi may be 'okay' but you still may not be at a healthy weight for ovulation to occur!) sooo.. Once I discovered this, my dietitian reccommended that I gain some more weight (despite being at a healthy bmi according to the charts).

I am going to be honest, I am scared! I like the way my body looks now and I am scared to gain the weight. At the same time, deep down, I really believe the lack of ovulation is do to maintains this weight, that is too low for me. This frustrates me because others work out way more than me, eat less than me, weigh way less than me and have lots of babies. Iso, I feel like I have a choice to make... Stay the way I am and risk fertility or change and possibly increase my fertility. Most would think this is an easy choice, but for someone with an Ed, it's a hard choice. Like I said, I like my body the way it is. I feel I've worked hard to get this body and gaining more weight, decreasing exercise even more makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

I am so frustrated I could cry! I know it is Ed that is making me want to hang on to what I imagine to be my idealistic body and weight. He wants me to stay the way I am. He views listening to the doctors as failure Nd of course, he never thinks about future consequences. But, how am I going to feel in 10 years when I am past the point of being able to have kids (I am 32 now) and I think about how Ed could have been the one who prevented that from happening.

I just had a realization....Ed always makes me feel like I can recover later. Ed makes me believe that there will always be time later in life and that right now the only thing I need to do is listen to him and obey him. As I wrote my age, It hit me hard that I have lived obeying Ed for the past 14 years! But, it feels like I was just diagnosed with an Ed yesterday. Sure, I am a loooooooong way from where I was when I was diagnosed. I am sooooo much healthier physically and mentally. But, I am still letting Ed dictate my life. I am still letting him control my life and prevent me from being fully alive.

I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him show me all of the things he had planned for my life that I missed out on. More importantly, I DO NOT want to meet Jesus and have him tell me that I do not know him. When I choose to obey Ed, I am choosing the devil over Jesus. It is a great sin. I need Gods strength to overcome Ed. I know he offers it to me. I need to grab ahold of it.

Have you ought about you fertility?
Does Ed tell you that there will be time to recover later?
Have you ever felt you had to choose between being healthy and being the size/weight you felt you wanted to be?
Any advice for me or others struggling?